NAGIN-BHAI TELLS ME
Nagin-bhai Tells Me
R Y Deshpande
Sri Aurobindo Ashram Pondicherry
1st Edition, 9 May 2001
ISBN: 81-7060-122-3
© R. Y. Deshpande
Published by M/S Aurosoorya
Printed at Sri Aurobindo Ashram Press, Pondicherry - 605 002
PRINTED IN INDIA
J186/19.7.2000/1000
It was about six years ago, in 1994, that something unusual happened. I got a message through three or four friends telling me that Nagin-bhai wanted to see me as early as possible. I didn't get time and then followed another spate of errands. I was told that I should see him immediately, in the Ashram the next day during the 9:30 School recess. He also told me later that he wished to confide in me something very important and consult me about certain things which were to some extent crucial for him at that time. But my own feeling, in retrospect, is that it was perhaps more in the nature of opening himself out rather than seeking my views in connection with what he was going to tell me.
Nagin-bhai used to be in the Ashram doing Samadhi-duty between 8 and 10 in the morning and he thought that the most convenient time to have a brief rendezvous with me, just for a few minutes, would be the School recess period. We thus decided to meet for this short duration two or three times in a week.
In the beginning he would ask me questions of a probing manner, about some passages from The Life Divine or from the Letters. It looked as if he wanted some clarifications, for instance, about what Sri Aurobindo is conveying by the term Reality, whether this Reality is an abstract notion or an entity or a person. He even justified this kind of exchange with me by saying that it gave him a certain mental support which for him was essential in what was yogically happening within him during that period.
After this quick period of warming up, Nagin-bhai started telling me the important aspects of his sadhana as it was progressing in those days. His statements were always concise, and also precise. Moreover, I must say that generally he remembered well, word to word, what he had told me on earlier occasions. 1 believe my comments apropos of them, besides the contextual basis they provided to him, were helpful to him in some respect. Perhaps he got a degree of confidence to open himself out and talk to me more freely about his experiences. This I can maintain because he was extremely careful to speak about such matters to others.
Long ago, in the thirties when he was just a boy in his teens, Nagin-bhai had written the following to Sri Aurobindo: "In the
early days of my sadhana I once had an experience of great stillness in which my consciousness rose upward; at a certain height it felt the bliss, consciousness and existence all together and at the same time." Afterwards his sadhana went through many stages, with several long interruptions, sometimes coming almost to a stop. It seems that it began again, at a much higher level, or rather going deeper into the physical also, and he had a distinct intuition that presently something definite was being done in him. It is in this context that we may possibly understand what he was trying to tell me during our brief meetings. From the indicative statements he made it is quite clear that a great advance was made by him in his spiritual pursuits. He always regarded the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, to put it in his own words, "like my own mother and father'' and there is no doubt that it is they who were doing Yoga in him as his spiritual parents. This also means that he was a Yogi of a high order with remarkable spiritual achievements to his credit. I may quote here a poem of his, marking the intuition he had, much before the event of 29 February 1956, of the supramental manifestation in the subtle-physical of the earth:
Standing on the last horizon
I saw a golden gate opening.
It had no bolts, no hinges—
Only a huge lid that looked like a sun.
Amazed I watched on, forgetting my very self.
The opening lid made no sound,
Only a movement of light.
Then gushed out air the world had never breathed before.
Coming back to our meetings. These continued regularly for the first three years or so and later less often than in the beginning. I do not know whether he was becoming more and more reluctant to speak about his sadhana or whether there was a general lack of intensity because of his indifferent health. He was in his late
eighties. The last meeting was in February 1997.
I have put down in the following his experiences as faithfully as I could. I used to make the records the same day and therefore they are generally true to what he had told me. While I can say that these are mostly reproduced in his own words, they had to be redrafted at places for the sake of clarity of written expression. But I must also admit that he had never seen these records. However, I am pretty certain he must have thought that I would be recording them in my notebooks. Perhaps he wanted these to be left behind, although of it he never gave any hint to me.
PART I
16:02:1994
"I am the Reality. I want to make you a part of my Reality."
I am getting the experience after a long time. My sadhana had almost stopped in between. But it seems it has started again. This is happening after a long time.
27:02:1994
But what is Reality?
I am here for such a long time and I still do not know it. I tried to read The Life Divine. What is Reality? I do not know.
Reality is creative Divinity.
10:03:1994
I went to the Supreme and, while I was coming back, saw just for a quick while a huge golden Form.
Yes, it was a huge golden Form. I saw it only for an extremely short duration.
17:03:1994
I was in the physical body of Sri Aurobindo; the Mother was doing some work in me.
My psychic being went to the Transcendent; yes, to the Transcendent—and about it I was told afterwards. But I do not know which part of me had gone along with it. Which part of me had gone along with the psychic being to the Transcendent, that I do not know.
07:04:1994
"I am working on your essential human elements." I heard this distinctly. Sri Aurobindo was telling me that.
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And then this happened, what I am going to tell you. I don't know the connection between the two; but this is the sequence.
It was a concrete experience. It happened at the Samadhi. I had kept my forehead on the Samadhi. Sri Aurobindo rubbed some paste on the forehead,—as is done in our temples.
I had a distinct feeling that he had come physically; the feeling of his rubbing the paste was there for a long time.
09:04:1994
I was shown the Height. I was also told to bring it down in me, bring down that Height in me.
I did not see the Mother anywhere; no, I did not see her but she must have been there around. Sri Aurobindo was there, but he was not doing anything.
As for the Height, I could not bring down the Height in me. Why did they want me to do it when they were there?
Surely they are doing the sadhana in us, but we have to also participate in it, do our bit.
20:04:1994
It was a big work. The field was to be brought down in me. But my spirit could not do it. It asked the Mother to pray to the Grace. My spirit had asked it to the Mother.
Later on, in another meditation, I was told,—Sri Aurobindo had told it to me,—that the Mother had prayed to the supreme Grace. The field had come, or will be coming down,—I do not know exactly when. It was a difficult work.
23:04:1994
Two days after that, I was told that the Grace had descended. It did its work.
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There was a difficulty in the cosmic field, which I felt in me. That was removed.
The work in the individual field remains to be done.
27:04:1994
Yes, I was freed from the cosmic field.
Long ago, a woman had approached me—not in a doubtful sense, she is a mother of several children. But I did not allow her to come closer to me, come to me at all.
The force went back. I did not mean it but, because I did not accept it, it had to go back. It did harm to her, to that woman. It had to work somewhere because I did not accept it.
I was free from the environmental forces.
On yet another occasion, a woman could not even touch my environment.
So, you see, that freedom was there. But now with the working of the Grace I have become free, free from the cosmic field.
30:04:1994
Yesterday I wanted to go to the Samadhi. But I could not do that.
My spirit was busy with Sri Aurobindo, as if in a discussion. But it was not a discussion. They were busy and I could not disturb them.
My psychic being was standing a little behind, at the back. This whole thing went on like that for a long time. How could I then do Pranam?
Two days ago, in the evening, just before the general meditation in the Ashram, there was an embodied Presence and my being was in it.
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I wanted to leave the Ashram before the meditation would start; but the Presence was still there. I came out and stood on the footpath, outside the Ashram. The Presence continued to be there for a long time.
04:05:1994
What is Ananda? I had first a brief experience of it. But then I was going to the Samadhi. It descended in me.
I was standing at my usual place, close by the pillar, with my hands holding the slab of the structure; it was so for a long time.
How could I recognise that it was Ananda?
Sri Aurobindo told me that what was descending was Ananda. I could see him; I could see Sri Aurobindo there. Normally he does not interfere when the experience is going on. But, this time, he told me that it was Ananda. I could see him only for a brief while.
He was very powerful. I could not have withstood him, that presence, for too long. But my psychic being was there with him. I could see it.
The Ananda continued to come down. However, in spite of that I came out of the Ashram. The general meditation time in the evening was approaching. So I came out, as I had done on an earlier occasion. I stood on the pavement for a long time.
It continued to pour, and it continued so to my utter surprise. Ananda was still pouring even as I stood there outside, on the pavement.
Earlier I had suffered physically for too long; in contrast to that the present experience of Ananda was marvelous. This was new. No, it had never happened to me before. It was altogether new. It was marvelous.
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07:05:1994
I was told that the Being of Ananda had gone back. Earlier, it was the descent of Ananda; now the Being of Ananda is mentioned.
It must have been for the second time. Ananda cannot stay for so many days. No, Ananda cannot stay for so many days. That is why I say it was the second time that it must have come. But about the departure of the previous experience and the coming of the Being of Ananda,—about that I do not know anything more.
The entire body up to the subtle-physical was very still, it was very still all the while. Possibly this itself was the result of the descent of Ananda; it might have been due to the descent of Ananda, though Ananda cannot descend without that stillness. No vibration, no movement; only the stillness. The body was still. It was still all the while.
How is it that I did not know Ananda?
For that one must have Supermind first. Only Supermind can know Ananda.
Because I did not know it, I was told about it. Yes, that is why I was told that it was Ananda that had descended.
11:05:1994
I was in the body of the Supreme Mother. I could very clearly see that, that I was in her; I was in her but then I could not see her face,—I do not know whether it was there.
I looked so small in her; I was so small in her.
She did her work in me. I do not know what work, but she did it in me.
Afterwards, while coming back, I told her that she should mould herself into my human groove. I told her that I find it difficult to
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be in her. She agreed to mould herself into my human groove. That was the only way by which she could do the work.
Next time she came down in that way, to do the work in me. I felt so happy. But I could not hold it, that happiness. My body was shaking and trembling for a long time; yes, it continued quivering even after she left it. In fact, in the night, before going to bed I had to take a sleeping tablet.
Next day I took some flowers and went to Sri Aurobindo's Room.
I do not know who in me had asked the Supreme Mother to mould herself and come into my human groove. The psychic being or the spirit?
Must be the psychic being.
14:05:1994
Remain in Pure Existence. The work is being done at the base.
What is this base? The whole of Nature, Prakriti I suppose, including the subconscious on an individual level.
Pure Existence should mean the Self, Atman. The work is in the base and it can be done best in that state, by remaining in the Self.
Who could have spoken about Pure Existence, I mean who could have given this phrase to my outward awareness? What for was it used? I do not know. It might have been the spirit that translated it into our language, the language known to the outer personality.
15:05:1994
The Essence is descending. Remain in the base.
18:05:1994
I was told that the impersonal work was going on. I saw neither Sri Aurobindo nor the Mother. Also, I did not notice my psychic being; nor the spirit, none.
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On the first day, it was just going on, the impersonal work, but without my being told about it. I just allowed it to go on, simply to let it happen.
Next day I was told that it was the impersonal work which was being done.
It means basically that nature is being tackled,—perhaps first the inner nature.
Can I say that I am liberated? Am I liberated?
Not quite.
21:05:1994
I am told now about the 'physical' appearance of Sri Aurobindo I had experienced at the Samadhi sometime ago when I was offering my Pranam there.
It was psychological and was very necessary for the work.
I am physically very weak and, in fact, I had a nervous breakdown in the past. The Mother had advised me to get treated by Dr. Surya.
My physical would not have been able to bear the impact of the work that was going on at that time. That would have been difficult, risky also perhaps.
This, they know it well; they know my condition well and they do take all the precautions.
It is for this that Sri Aurobindo had come 'physically' to prepare me.
I am told about it now.
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28:05:1994
I was told that the work is over. My consciousness is free, free from the lower nature.
This was done by the Supreme Mother.
When I went to the Samadhi, I saw the consciousness going up from the crown of my head, rising up; yes, going up. It went high, very high,—I do not know where. I have no idea.
06:06:1994
I should not have done that, but it happened.
I interrupted my meditation to see people who had come from my place, Bhavanagar.
For the next two or three days I did not get anything. Everything had stopped, everything.
There was some obstacle.
I prayed for the grace; I prayed to the higher and yet higher grace. I went on praying so, in that manner.
I was told that I must ask for the supramental grace.
I did. It came down. I was surprised. Yes, it did come down.
The obstacle was removed.
The work was going on. I was told that it is the supramental force working, working step by step from above down to the vital-physical centre.
But as my higher parts are also weak, I asked for the work to be done directly in the vital-physical, not gradually down below. And it happened so.
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As the work was going on, I saw Sri Aurobindo present there.
My usual duration of meditation was coming to a close, but then I decided to let the work go on. How could I stop when Sri Aurobindo was present there?
I stood at the Samadhi for one hour, up to 8 in the evening. In spite of standing there for such a long time, I did not feel tired. I usually stand for 30 to 45 minutes; this time it was for one hour and there was no fatigue whatsoever.
The spirit was present above the vital-physical centre, watching from above. It must have told my external being about the experience.
I was told that this could happen, my unusually long meditation, because the Being of Ananda had come down earlier.
Otherwise I could not have stood there for such a length of time.
Later, when Sri Aurobindo was not there, I stopped the meditation. I did not see the Mother but, certainly, she must have been doing the whole work.
08:06:1994
I cannot imagine how much he has done. Indeed, how much he has done, how much work in me!
And there is a perfect logic in all the steps, in the whole sequence, one step following another step. The action directly in the vital-physical has speeded up the entire process.
They surely know what is to be done and when it is to be done.
It is good I had asked it to be worked out directly, directly at the vital-physical level. The Being of Ananda,—I never knew him earlier; but he preceded before this action was carried out. Had it
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not been so, I would not have been able to withstand the force, that force in my vital-physical.
I understand, I mean I recognise that there is a perfect logic in the whole operation. I recognize it now; I perceive the logic of the entire sequence.
You see, my physical is very weak, and I had two heart-attacks and so things have to be done without going through the several stages, without coming from the head down to the vital-physical. That method would have been impossible in my case; it could not have been a practical way. But here the action is direct.
11:06:1994
The work in the vital-physical was difficult. It could be done only by the supramental Grace. The problem of the vital-physical was there with me for a long time.
I am now told that it, the vital-physical, is in rapport with Sri Aurobindo. It has direct connection with him.
What does that mean?
Sri Aurobindo will do whatever is to be done to tackle it for whatever purpose it be. It has opened to his action.
I had asked that the Grace should work directly on it.
It worked in that way. Had it come down from centre to centre, descending to lower and lower levels, it would have perhaps taken a longer time. Or perhaps got weakened.
Then, while I was meditating, I saw a big well. This well deepened from my heart to the sex centre, even a little down below, down to the thighs; it was a very large well, but it was empty. There was nothing in it, a hollow well, but perhaps not dry.
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It was held from below by my psychic being. The psychic being supported the well. I could see it. This time it was the psychic being; the spirit was not visible to me there.
I do not know what it is there for, the psychic being; nor do I know what is going to happen to it.
The meditation was long, very long. Physically I was feeling a little tired also, but not that much. But then I continued my meditation; I let it proceed.
I had experienced emptiness earlier, but the empty well was something different.
It is good that the psychic being is supporting the well from below. It is safer also.
There cannot be transformation unless sex is conquered. The well is deepening below that centre. It is an empty well.
13:06:1994
The Mother was working directly on the sex centre. Ananda had descended earlier and stopped at the vital. When the Mother was working, I could see from the psychic centre energy rising up and going above. It was released completely.
Is it Ojas?
I am not told about it, but it must be that. Energy rising above from this centre must be that.
In the evening when I went to the Samadhi, Sri Aurobindo told me to enter into him, into his consciousness. I entered into him.
The Mother started working in me.
She said that now Power is descending in Sri Aurobindo's consciousness. It is not Force, it is Power.
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She said several times that it is Power descending in Sri Aurobindo's consciousness. I do not know why she repeatedly told this to me, several times.
I said, "Let it descend." It was descending in his consciousness. It went on for half an hour. It had come down to the vital level.
She said at this stage that it is enough for the present. It is Power. As it is descending for the first time, it is enough for the present.
Then it stopped. I was not conscious of anything until then. I knew only then of its coming down to the vital centre. I was neither conscious of the spirit nor of the psychic being.
15:06:1994
Now I can understand why the Mother repeated several times that the Power is descending in Sri Aurobindo's consciousness,—I had entered into him. Her telling it repeatedly to me acted like a Mantra. Otherwise what else could have been the necessity of repeating it so many times?
Earlier the Power had descended down to the higher vital level. But with the present experience it came further down, descending into the lower vital, and the physical. The work that was to be done had to be taken up and it could not have been stopped, that I should have first got ready for the descent.
They know what is the best. Up to the lower vital there was not much difficulty. But as far as the physical is concerned, I could hardly feel any descent; it appeared as if it was coming into it only drop by drop. It continued that way.
The Mother said that she was coming with the Power. There was considerable difficulty; there was pain which I did not feel in the earlier stages. I did not feel it when it was coming down in the vital. It was quite hard.
Page 14
Was it the supramentalised Overmind? Or the Supermind itself acting directly? I do not know. But then the supramental Grace had come with the Mother. It only and nothing else must have cleared the way.
In the physical there was that difficulty still present. That is why the Being of Ananda had come earlier, preceding the descent of the Power.
The work is going on.
I do not know why Power and not Force.
They want to achieve something definite. It has come to the physical. Then, you see, I was told that my physical Purusha was detached from Prakriti, the physical Nature. He is now free, this physical Purusha.
18:06:1994
Last time I told you about the descent of Power in the physical. But it was not quite that. I was told later that the descent was in the vital-physical. It had come down to the sex-centre. The physical is below that. So the work being done is in the vital-physical.
Then I went to the Samadhi. I saw a solid Square, a concrete Square coming down. It came down and was around my waist and the sex-centre.
Sri Aurobindo told me: "I am the Square." It was there for a long time, that square. "I am the Square," he told me. Yes, he told me so.
Later, I moved away and walked out; but I could not walk much. I was feeling tired. I went home, ate my dinner, and took a sleeping pill. I was feeling nervous.
I am a heart-patient and I do not want something to happen in the
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process. Next day 1 went to Dr. Datta. I told him that the work is going on in the physical. I wanted him to examine me thoroughly. He examined me for more than half an hour and told me that medically I am in good health. He also said that my heart is better than what it was.
This nervousness,—ask for peace in the body.
The descent of Power in the sex-centre,—can it not be dangerous?
But the Mother had said that she was coming down with the Power. She was entering into Sri Aurobindo's consciousness. That should take care of it.
20:06:1994
I could see the Square being put. It was not as if assembled around the waist. It came down from the head to the waist. As it came down, a hole was made and all the while it fitted the body closely. It was fitted snugly.
Sri Aurobindo had said: "I am the Square."
He did not say that he was putting the Square; he had said that he is the Square.
I was meditating when the Square was coming down from the head. I was standing at the Samadhi at my usual place. I could see it all the while, for forty minutes, the Square being put; it was not a brief experience.
When Ananda had come earlier, I could not see it happening. Only when it departed 1 was told that it was the Being of Ananda who had come. Neither was that experience so long. But then it was an important experience.
Sri Aurobindo had told me very clearly not to imagine it, but that
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I should let it simply come down. He did not want me to imagine it and interfere in the work in any way. They know what is needed and what is to be done—I was told.
The descent of Power was like the descent of some thick fluid. It was certainly something far different and much more than the descent of Force. I could see it.
Sri Aurobindo and the Mother quite know that I speak about these things and about these experiences to you,—that you are my consultant. What you explained to me about the Square seems to be correct. Sri Aurobindo is the Square in its four aspects of Sat, Chit, Ananda, and Vijnan. This is perfectly correct. You have also told me why the Square is there around the waist, at the level of the sex-centre and Muladhar. Below that is the physical, in the legs. We have to find out what it is.
I feel nervous. That is why I am going to Kailash's place for a cup of tea. I had taken tea in the morning, but I must have one more cup now.
22:06:1994
I think the work is going to be in the physical. I feel tired, nervous; I have to take sleeping pills at night. After meditation in the evening I stand outside the Ashram for twenty minutes, at times even for longer durations. I feel tired; I just can't walk.
I must ask for supramental peace and strength in the body, both the peace and strength in the body, in the physical. Nothing less than the supramental will do.
25:06:1994
It is a difficult work. My psychic being was asked to rise. The Grace came and it rose, rose very high. I could follow it up to a certain stage; but then it went far above, very high. I could follow it, I suppose, up to the Overmind. Beyond that,—I do not know.
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It went very high, that definitely I know.
Can the psychic being rise of its own?
I know, my mental being could rise. So too could the psychic being. If it is free from the bondage of nature, it should be possible. Yes, it can. But here, there was Grace and so it could rise. Yes, it was asked to rise, and it rose.
I could see Power descending. I could see it. But perhaps there was something obstructing and the work could not be done. That is why my psychic being was told to rise. When it came back, returned, it must have certainly brought something with it.
I must ask for peace and strength, supramental peace and strength, directly in the physical, coming down into the physical from above.
I must have strength. My head must be able to take the load of the Overmind. Peace and strength,—both are needed. I must ask for these.
27:06:1994
I suspect that the Power is stuck at the vital-physical. Nothing is happening. I thought that the work was in the physical. But it is not quite so, it is still in the vital-physical. I prayed for the Grace. My consciousness rose very high, very high, and saw the supreme Mother seated on a mountain top. I could see her there, but then I could not go up there. I asked for Grace and it came down.
But how to know Grace?
We can know about it only by the results or by the effects it produces,—by the results.
But Grace can have form and it can also be without form. Only by
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recognizing it can we perhaps know Grace when it is actually descending. Only Supermind can know the supreme Grace; intuition may see some reflection of it, but it can get misled.
I am praying for Grace. It is only then my sadhana may proceed further. Of course, they must be already working, they always do that; yes, they do it. But then I too have to do my bit; it is necessary. But I do not know, I do not know.
29:06:1994
The process seems to be very difficult. I do not know what is happening. Neither do I know the sequence of operation, nothing. What I think is that something was taken up and then left again.
The last three days I see the Mother standing very close, in her full form. Perhaps she wants to come into me, in my heart or my psychic being. I do not know. She is simply standing there, in full form.
But the Being of Ananda came and from the Square Sri Aurobindo came to receive her. I could see all that.
My being was not there; only the psychic being and the spirit were there. She is standing there for a long time, for the last three days, and I have to go out after the meditation, and go out with all that. Very difficult. Don't know what all that means.
Sri Aurobindo had told me once: "Don't bring in your imagination." He had spoken very strongly. "Look at me," he had told me. Something was there visibly on my forehead also. People could have noticed it, something very physical, reflected from him.
You see, the last 30-40 years there was really no sadhana. The work is going on now. But very difficult. He has not described it anywhere in his writings.
The last three days she has been coming and standing there for a
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long time, but not entering in me. The Power seems to have got stuck somewhere, at the vital-physical.
I have asked for supramental peace and strength. And she is standing there. She wants to enter in me.
02:07:1994
Is there Ananda in the supramental peace?
There could be. It is there everywhere. It depends upon what it wants to project.
I feel something like that. But the sadhana is stuck. Nothing seems to be happening. The Square is there; the Being of Ananda is behind; the Mother is behind the veil. I saw her standing there, for 3 or 4 days now. Power got stuck at the vital-physical. It cannot be the supramental Power. It got stuck. I do not know what to do. I am asking for supramental peace.
In the night I have to take sleeping tablets 2 or 3 times. The work is very difficult. The entire nervous system gets affected. I am physically weak.
I think my psychic being should take the lead. It must be my guide. The effort must be in that direction. But to bring out the psychic being is not easy. It seems, for 50-60 years I have not done anything. And if it should go on like this, nothing will be achieved.
Yes, the psychic being should be the leader of the sadhana.
09:07:1994
There is nothing to tell. During the last few days nothing has happened. I do not want to strain myself in any way. Nervous being is very weak. Let us see.
13:07:1994
What I have been telling you the last few months,—they are
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states of consciousness. They are not experiences, or even realisations; they are the states of consciousness. The Being of Ananda is there, and the Mother standing. And the working of Power,—they are all states of consciousness.
Long back I had the experience of the Self. Sri Aurobindo had written about it to me. But now it is more than that. This is permanent, the states of consciousness.
16:07:1994
I think, things have started happening again. The vital is definitely taken care of, it is now over. The difficulty is the physical. There is a lot of resistance.
But I am asking for supramental peace, strength and purity.
The Mother is standing there, Sri Aurobindo is there, my spirit and my psychic being too; the Being of Ananda and Power are there. But the physical is very difficult, very obdurate.
But they want to achieve something now. Today the work started as soon as I came to the Ashram, at 8.00 a.m. During my duty hours itself the work was going on. They want to achieve something by the end of this month.
I feel the work is going on in me. For the work that is going on in me, I am going to be not only their instrument but their collaborator.
20:07:1994
The Mother was there. Sri Aurobindo was there. He was very powerful, very powerful.
He told me not to touch him, nor to touch Power. "Do not try to touch me," was his clear instruction.
What does that mean? Why was he telling me that?
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Perhaps it means that the issue should not be forced. Things should be allowed to go on without any insistence of any kind.
I was asking for supramental peace and strength and purity; I even willed for them. But it seems I should not exercise my will. I should aspire, but not will. The sadhana should be left in their hands. They know what is needed for me. I should leave it to them. They will do whatever is to be done. After all, supramental peace is also supramental and I should be able to bear it. How can I ask for it? Am I really ready to receive it?
Aspire, but not will.
23:07:1994
Things have started happening.
The Mother used to stand while the work was going on. This time she told me that the descent will not do. "I will come myself in you." That was her clear indication.
Instead of the descent she herself will be in me. Descent means a lot of resistance. It means changing the nature. But when she comes she will take care of everything. So not descent, but she herself.
My spirit has become very powerful. I could see that.
I was asking for the supramental peace. But I was told that that is not the way.
Supermind cannot come like that. We must recognize that that peace is an aspect of supermind itself; its coming should mean the coming of other aspects too, though not in a prominent way.
"What should I do then ?" I was told that some part of me must be established in the Overmind. It is through that that the higher will come and operate. At least some part must reach the Overmind.
Page 22
I was not asking for immortality; I was asking only for immunity from physical disability. Supramental peace I wanted for that purpose.
To receive anything from that, there has to be something in the Overmind and it is through it that it will act.
25:07:1994
The Mother has entered in me because, as she had said, the path of the descent will not be the right one for me.
She is in me now and receiving and doing whatever is to be received and whatever is to be done. But I do not see her now.
She used to stand there, fully dressed, in a sari; but now I do not see her. She has entered in me. My spirit has become very powerful.
She has taken up the work, I suppose.
Sri Aurobindo had told me not to touch him or touch Power; now this has happened. I had asked,—and I had willed,—for supramental peace and strength and purity.
But now I have become very nervous; my external or waking consciousness,—there is nervousness in it. For some time now I have stopped meditating in the morning.
The Mother has entered in me and I am told that my body is becoming consciousness.
Not that my body is becoming conscious; it is becoming consciousness. It is becoming consciousness.
There is no mistake about it.
At the same time, while in the waking state, I am becoming nervous.
Page 23
I asked Sri Aurobindo. He told me that this is a transition. He told me: "Your body is becoming consciousness." Yes, he told me that. I used to walk around the Ashram but now I have stopped it.
27:07:1994
I should not force the issue. I should simply ask the Mother for peace, without qualifying it in any way.
Yet there is an element of will also. But I will leave it to them. I see Power behind peace; I see it very clearly.
Nobody knows about my experiences. Only to you I have told these things. They have to be always kept secret. I did not publish letters written to me by Sri Aurobindo. It was only long afterwards that I published them. I had to publish them because the handwriting was becoming more and more faint. The writing was getting faded. Most of the letters he had written to me were in pencil and not in ink. Very few were in ink. With pencil he could write fast. The manuscripts were becoming faint. So I had to get them published. This was necessary. Besides, a lot of time was allowed in between, and so it was perfectly all right.
N. has told E. that I see the Mother and Sri Aurobindo in my meditations. How does he know that? Nobody has informed or told him to that effect. But then even if he knows about it, why should he talk about these matters to others? Now she will speak to others and it will spread. It is not good for me. Already E. has started respecting me so much. You see, the other day she brought so many things for me to eat; she got these for me from the Cottage. By the way, the Cottage does not charge for whatever she takes from them. She tried to pay the bill, but they refused to accept money from her. But why should N. tell it to others? I asked E. how he had come to know that I see Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Her answer was that he had been with Sri Aurobindo for years and that he must have received something from him, to know about these things, these matters of sadhana. I do not know. Anyway, there is always protection
Page 24
around me. Sri Aurobindo told me about that. Once I was shown pots made of concrete—flowerpots—around me. So even if people sit close to me when I meditate, nothing really disturbs me. I am quite safe. I am aware of it. Still, I must take precautions. N. should not have told anybody.
30:07:1994
My nervous being has become very weak. I am practically not doing anything now. But can't the strength I am asking for do something?
Of course; but to receive that, one has to be ready. There is the aspect of the instrument, ādhāra.
03:08:1994
Everything has stopped. It will take a long time, a very long time to start again. But the Mother is there. She had descended and she is there. Power also. But the nervous being is very weak. I do not know how to proceed. Why can't the psychic being or the spirit guide? I don't know what to do.
I should leave it to the Guru. He knows best. He will do whatever is to be done. It seems, it will take a long time to start again.
06:08:1994
Sadhana has stopped. I don't see anything happening. But it must be still going on. That is certain. I feel now great energy flowing in my limbs. It is very tangible; it is almost a physical sensation. Of course, it must be in the subtle-physical; but it is felt by the outer body too. There is energy and there is Power.
The Mother has descended and the work must be going on. But about the next step,—I have no idea, I know nothing.
To will, to ask for something, to go a step forward,—I don't know what to do. Perhaps the best is to aspire and leave everything to them. If the Mother has descended in me, the best is
Page 25
for the psychic being to get closer to her.
Perhaps that is the best.
09:08:1994
Nothing is happening at the moment; at least I don't see anything happening. The work might be going on, but—I don't know.
My nervous being is very weak and I don't want to force anything. I had to go to see the doctor; he wanted me to get admitted in the Nursing Home.
The matter is serious and I should be careful. I will leave everything to them. They will do the best and I am sure something will happen with the Darshan.
But now I will involve the participation of my psychic being. It must take the lead. This is very important.
You must have heard of Paul Brunton. Once he had gone to a magician. He wanted to know whether these magic tricks really mean anything. He wanted to have an actual demonstration from him. The magician asked him to bring a turkey the next day. Brunton did so. As soon as he was to enter the magician's house, he was told to strangle it to death; he also told him to make sure that it was done. The dead turkey was laid on the table. The magician did something and the dead bird revived. It flew to the ceiling and fell down on the table, once again dead. Brunton saw it and he was convinced. When asked how he could do it, the magician replied that he had brought from the universal a vital force and put it in the turkey that was lying dead earlier on the table. But the vital force could not stay in it for too long and disappeared. The bird was again dead.
We are something of that sort. The supramental race is ready, but there is no superman yet. Unless the superman arrives the new creation cannot appear and remain firm here. Our effort must be
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towards becoming supermen. Then only will the Mother's work progress. She has done her part of the job; we have yet to do ours. Her help is always there, of course. But it must be done.
17:08:1994
Nothing is happening by way of sadhana. But I am happy. I am involving more and more my psychic being in it. I am living constantly in the delight of existence. I am not forcing anything; I am leaving everything simply to them. Aspiration is there, but no forcing.
Sri Aurobindo knows the condition I have been in during the last couple of weeks. He has not told me anything directly; but he told me about it through one person. She came to my house specifically to tell me about it. Sri Aurobindo told it to her and she, without knowing anything about my sadhana, came and spoke to me.
I am happy he is taking care of everything. I am very happy.
24:08:1994
Nothing yet. Nervous being is very weak. But I know Sri Aurobindo is taking care of my physical also. It will take some more time for things to begin happening.
Everything is there,—all that was achieved is there in the background.
07:09:1994
I am much better now. See, I am a heart patient; I had two heart-attacks and for the last four years I have been taking medicine three times a day. The doctor has now asked me to stop it. I have discontinued it now. My heart is quite good, in good shape. It may not be as good as it was before the heart-attacks; but medicine is not necessary any more. However, I go to the doctor for regular check-ups, every fortnight or so. No medicine,—that is his advice, the doctor's.
Page 27
You see, Sri Aurobindo is working. I may not be conscious of it, but he is working. There is no doubt about that, no doubt at all. He is working with all the foresight.
The way he has fixed the Square is really wonderful. Nothing disturbs me now.
He is aware that my birthday is coming soon, tomorrow. In earlier days I used to write to him in advance. But now he knows it already.
When he was in his body he used to wait for my letter. N. recently told it to somebody; it is through him I came to know about it. Why did not N. inform me earlier? Why did he not tell it to me directly? He should have informed me. It is not that he got the message from Sri Aurobindo now; he is not in touch with Sri Aurobindo. Had he told me earlier, my approach would have been different.
I am not doing any sadhana now. I have stopped taking medicine. But my head is empty; I feel it empty. It will take time to be all right.
But he will do everything.
15:09:1994
Last year on my birthday I had gone for the Darshan as usual. But at that time the Mother appeared very serious.
I had given appointments to a number of friends, as it was my birthday; they wanted to see me.
But then I ignored all the appointments; I came down and sat there for a long time, for half an hour. I ignored all the appointments. She had given a very serious look.
Plenty of things have happened after that. I was expecting the
Page 28
same thing this year also. You see, on the seventh evening, on the eve of my birthday, I was at the Mother's Couch, in the Meditation Hall. I saw the Mother's feet and bowed down.
But then there were Sri Aurobindo's feet, instead of the Mother's. And these two sets of feet kept on alternating for quite some time.
Next day Kailash told me about his dream-experience. He saw in his dream the Mother and Sri Aurobindo's feet alternating. He saw me bowing at the feet. He saw this happening in his dream; he saw the feet alternating and me bowing.
There is a descent, but I don't know when it takes place. It happens suddenly.
Things are happening again. But I will take precaution. I think I was forcing things earlier; but now I will not do that. Now my health is also much better.
You see, I am eighty but now I am all right. I have stopped taking medicine. I had suffered two heart-attacks and I had to undergo an operation for my broken thigh-bone. But I am much better now.
I am sure something will happen.
My effort will be through the psychic being or through intuition. It is through one of these I will try. I will try through the psychic being. Let us see.
27:09:1994
Day before yesterday. Just before waking up. I saw five candles coming out of my body. Big candles. In a bundle of five. Somebody wanted one of them; but I could not remove any from the bundle. They were all stuck together. Big large candles.
It seems, things have started happening. I am approaching
Page 29
through my psychic being. Now the sadhana will perhaps be different. But there is no descent in the usual sense.
But there was one descent the other day, for a long time. It was for such a long duration that I could not even go to the Samadhi. I was sitting on the cement bench under the Reading Room window, and it was happening all the while.
10:10:1994
I will have to go through the spiritual path, and not the psychic. I am told so. Spiritual consciousness must open to the higher.
12:10:1994
Day before yesterday, in the afternoon, I was taking my usual nap. When I was about to wake up I saw a dream.
I was escorting somebody to the Playground. The door was closed. I heard Sri Aurobindo giving the orders for Gymnastic Marching, conducting the Group.
It was Sri Aurobindo, and not Mona who gives the orders for Marching. It was a very loud voice. We stood outside the door.
When the door opened, I sent the visitors in and stood outside. I didn't want to disturb the Gymnastic Marching as Sri Aurobindo was giving the orders. From inside nobody could have seen me standing there at the door.
Then, suddenly I heard Sri Aurobindo's loud voice: "Who is the young man standing there outside?" I heard it very distinctly, "... the young man... ?" Then I went inside.
19:10:1994
The path is the spiritual. Yes, it is the spiritual path, and not the psychic. Can the supermind come down directly ?
Unless the necessary instruments are ready it will not. Otherwise
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these will get shattered. The spiritual planes must be able to receive it.
It has come to the individual-cosmic plane, to the cosmic consciousness.
22:10:1994
My spirit went down, went below to the inconscient. Or was it to the subconscient?
I do not know; but it must be the latter. I can't distinguish these, must be the subconscient.
It was directed to go there, my spirit. There is the experience of delight even in the physical. Mind well, it is not the delight of existence, but delight in the physical.
It is happening. It happened yesterday.
08:11:1994
It was our new year day, a few days back, I had gone to Sri Aurobindo's Room. As I was coming out, he told me: "This is your psychic being." I did not see it, but I felt great calm and happiness.
27:11:1994
Sri Aurobindo told me: "I am descending in your psychic being."
On another occasion, later on, something from my lower nature was taken up. Yes, I could see it, taken up and lifted very high.
I could follow it, up to a certain point. It went very high, very high, to the Overmind, I believe. Sri Aurobindo himself had done it. But I did not see him.
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Then again, some other day, Sri Aurobindo said that he was descending in me. I went deep within and saw the Mother sitting there. She said that she is bringing Purity in my sex-centre. I could feel the flow there, of Purity.
In another meditation she told me that she is making me global. The action is now directly from the Overmind.
I was also told that it is the impersonal that is working in me.
There were many other things also which were happening in between.
She said: "I am now acting in you directly from the Overmind."
I feel the difference. It is something wonderful. Its effect is very definite.
05:12:1994
Day before yesterday the Mother told me that she was descending in me. I went within and opened out myself. Nothing happened. Yesterday the same.
I did not know what the matter was. Then Sri Aurobindo told me that she has already done the work and gone back. "A new consciousness has descended in you," he said.
06:12:1994
Yesterday evening, after the meditation, I was going to the Samadhi. Sri Aurobindo said: "Power."
I aspired for Power and opened out myself.
The Power was coming down continuously. It was coming down like that for a long time. All the while I kept myself open to it.
I saw that it was coming from the Mother. Through my spirit it
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went directly to my subconscient. The spirit was receiving it, carrying it; it was the channel.
I saw her being of Power standing separate, apart. I saw both of them, the full Mother and her being of Power.
Long back she had told me that she was descending in Sri Aurobindo's consciousness in me. I saw from her Power coming into me. The Mother was standing on top and she had told me that it was not she herself who was descending, but it was the being of Power. And she showed me the being of Power.
This was yesterday in the evening, the evening of 5th December.
07:12:1994
There was a column connecting me with the Overmind. After meditation in the evening I went to the Samadhi. I was standing there for almost half an hour.
The time for general meditation around the Samadhi was approaching and I could not go to the Samadhi for doing Pranam.
But Sri Aurobindo told me that I need not do it.
He himself moved towards me where I was standing. He blessed me.
This column was coming from top down almost to my knees. It was a solid column, very concrete. But no indication about what it was there for, no indication of any sort available.
I did not see the column descending and I do not know if it happened very quickly. It was there standing, solid and erect.
Later on I felt it was Consciousness, not impersonal but personal.
08:12:1994
In the evening after my meditation I was going to the Samadhi. I
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was told that the column from the Overmind to the knees down below is passive.
I was also told that it is for me to make it dynamic. They have done their work and now whatever is to be done should be done by me; I have to do it now.
The work seems to have been done at the vital-physical centre. So the sadhana has come back to the same point, again to the same position.
I have to make the column dynamic.
10:12:1994
Yesterday I went to Sri Aurobindo's Room. Nothing happened there, really. But during my morning meditation, at 10 o'clock, there was a great experience.
When I had gone to Sri Aurobindo's Room on an earlier occasion, he had told me: "This is your psychic being." He had repeated it three times, three or four times, from the moment I entered the Room till I came out. This time nothing had happened in the Room. I also did not stay there for too long, as we had to come out and go for the general meditation of the 9th morning.
During meditation he had put me floating in the Cosmic Consciousness. I was floating in it for a long time, for a long time, in the Cosmic Consciousness.
In the evening as there was no general meditation, I could sit in the Ashram and meditate as long as I liked.
During this meditation my lower parts started opening one after another. This process went on for a long time, yes, for a long time. It was very wonderful, marvelous indeed.
But from the place where normally I sit I could not even go to the
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Samadhi. The whole place was filled up with environmental consciousness. It was very difficult to stir and move out from there.
The column which was there until then is not there now. It is not there now. Even the resistance in the lower vital-physical is also not there.
Interesting things are happening, very interesting.
17:12:1994
Long ago, more than a year back, I was meditating in the evening, as usual. There was a strong and continuous descent. But then I was told that the descent was not steadying but all going away, leaving me, as if getting drained out. This is very strange.
I did not know what the cause was. A little later I found that it was related with a young girl; this girl could have been easily my grand-daughter; she was receiving it all. I did not know her; I had no connection with her whatsoever. There was neither at any time any thought about any girl. Now she was drawing the force I was receiving. I knew it and at once snapped the connection. The descent stayed in me afterwards.
Presently the entire difficulty seems to be a difficult one.
But then they know how to handle it? My physical Purusha must be separated from the physical Prakriti.
23:12:1994
The day before yesterday, when I was in a meditative state, the Supermind touched me. This happened not in the Ashram but in my room.
How do you know it was the Supermind?
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Yes, I know it. It comes with that knowledge, and the immanent Divine is there to recognize it.
Yesterday I went to Sri Aurobindo's Room to offer my 'Thanks' for this, to express my sincere gratitude for what had happened.
In the evening the work was going on at the sex-centre,—physically, at the kidney. Very powerful,—I felt it so.
Sometime back, about a week ago, I was told that Purity is descending.
So, action is taking place.
24:12:1994
Yesterday morning during my meditation there was a command. I was told that now the work will be in the subtle-physical and that I should be conscious in the subtle-physical.
"Be conscious in the subtle-physical." Yes, that is what I was told.
In the evening, at the Samadhi, the work was going on for a long time, almost for twenty minutes. The work was being done, ceaselessly, at the sex-centre. Time was approaching for the general meditation around the Samadhi and I had to leave the Ashram by 7.20. But the work was still going on.
But then they know everything. Although they are in the timeless, they know about time also. They do everything in full awareness of it.
I was told that I had opened well for the action. They could do whatever they wanted to do. About this time I was leaving the Ashram courtyard.
As I was leaving, I was told that it was the Transcendental Grace
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that had descended. It was that action which was going on.
27:12:1994
Day before yesterday, during the evening meditation, around the Samadhi, there was the Universal Consciousness. It was the Universal Consciousness that acted in me. It was the Overmind action.
Yesterday, for a long time, for more than an hour, the work was going on. I saw the Mother returning, after the work was completed. Whatever had to be done was done and completed. This is over.
When and what next step will be taken, about that no indication was given to me. But I was told that I should be ready. That is their way of working. They won't tell you in advance.
29:12:1994
Yesterday evening, after my meditation, I was doing Pranam at the Samadhi. As soon as I raised my head Sri Aurobindo said: "Nagin, I am lifting you up."
This was for the first time that I had heard Sri Aurobindo calling me by my name. I was surprised. He called me by my name.
He lifted me up, up, up, very high, very high. As he was lifting me up this way, he told me two or three times, "Nagin, I am lifting you up."
There he put me at the feet of the Mother and then he left.
Sri Aurobindo calling me by my name,—so wonderful! To hear him say "Nagin!" He lifted me up and put me at the feet of the Mother.
It was not ascent, my going up; but he did it himself. It was like the "baby-cat".
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Earlier, during the meditation, they were doing work for a long time. I don't have any idea about it, what they do. But I always feel them doing work. That is certain.
02:01:1995
Two or three days ago my spirit rose up, all the way up to the Overmind. Then it folded itself from the sides and became a well, a deep well.
From the lower part, from the thigh and above upward like that it folded and rose; the well was so, a deep well.
But my physical got affected and now I have loose motions. But then the Mother and Sri Aurobindo know everything! Yes, they know everything.
07:01:1995
Due to the physical weakness I could not do much. I could not stand that long for meditation. Also, I was not able to eat well.
But two or three days ago something else happened. Sri Aurobindo entered directly into my vital-physical. The work was going on. The Mother later told me to absorb whatever was being given. I should absorb.
They are doing whatever is to be done. They know everything; they know how to do the job and with what speed it should be done.
The amount of work they have done is simply tremendous. It is, to give the example of a battle, like amassing troops or forces on the border before the invasion is made. The work is moving very fast.
I am sure something will happen before the Darshan.
09:01:1995
Last few days.
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After meditation in the evening, as usual I have been going to the Samadhi to offer my Pranam. While doing Pranam there is always the movement of surrender.
In fact, it is for that that we go to the Samadhi, to surrender ourselves.
But during the last few days something different has been happening. As soon as I would lift up my head from the Samadhi,—mind well, I am still sitting there,—there would be the ascent of surrender; it would be from my being, rising above. There would be the ascent of surrender.
There is no mistaking it; I can see it or feel it,—ascent of surrender.*
14:01:1995
The work of universalisation is going on, making the consciousness universal.
Sri Aurobindo had told me long ago that my ego is small and obscure, small not in the sense of measure but in terms of pettiness. Everyone has ego and it is different for different people. But it is necessary to remove it. Universalition is possible only when it is removed. That is what it means.
After the meditation as I was coming down, I mean as my spirit was coming down, the Mother descended faster than it and came down into my legs. She is there.
* Nirod-da tells me in the evening:
There is good news for you, for all of us. 1 went to the Mother. She told me:
"Don't bother me. I am extremely busy, bringing down the supermind."
Where?
It must be in the physical,—it is already there in the subtle-physical.
That is wonderful indeed. They are really working so much.
Supermind in the physical,—that is great.
Page 39
Why did she come that way?
Perhaps to take care of the process of universalisation. My small and obscure ego could be an obstacle for what she is presently doing. To remove it she must have come down herself. It must be for that, connected with the universalisation.
They are doing everything,—and yet I must do my part, my bit. If she has come down for this purpose, then it is a great thing; it is a great step.
16:01:1995
There was a severe pain in the back. This is not unusual and it happens to me quite often. I was hesitating to stand near the Samadhi for meditation, as is my practice. But finally I decided to do so, making a firm determination to stand even though the pain was severe.
Yes, it was a good meditation.
Sri Aurobindo said: "I am giving you the supramental blessings." He also put his hand around my waist. The pain disappeared immediately.
This is the first time he told me that he was giving me supramental blessings. I was of course very happy. After my meditation I went to the Samadhi to bow and offer my thanks, to express my gratitude.
As I was standing at the centre of the northern side of the Samadhi, something in me said that it was the physical Prakriti, —yes, physical Prakriti,—who came out to express her gratitude to Sri Aurobindo.
23:01:1995
This was about a month ago. I was told that Reality was working in me. I did not pay any particular attention to it.
Page 40
But what happened the day before yesterday is very clear. It was the action of Reality.
Reality told me: "I am making your physical a part of myself"
The action was all the way down to my knees. I could feel it. It was a long meditation.
Reality must be Sri Aurobindo.
Remember what I had told you quite some time back and asked you what is meant by Reality? "I am Reality. I want to make you a part of my Reality."
Our sessions had started with that. I wanted to get certain clarifications and therefore I have been consulting you.
Don't reveal these matters to anybody. I am confiding these only to you. When the experiences are going on these should be kept absolutely to oneself.
24:01:1995
Yesterday, after you left, I went to the Samadhi.
I saw a being opening out his chest. He said: "This is the Reality."
Sri Aurobindo confirmed your suggestion that Reality is he himself.
01:1995
A couple of days ago I was told during the meditation that I must raise my subtle-physical. I was doing it. I rose to quite a height. But I could not go yet higher up. I could not go very high; I was unable to do that.
There was a projection of Sachidananda. I could recognize it.
Page 41
It disappeared and I saw the Mother. She was sitting up there and intently gazing at me.
It was a very powerful look and she was looking like that at me for a long time. I don't think I had ever seen her like that, at no time. She was constantly gazing at me, very powerful, from the Overmind I suppose.
30:01:1995
The action is very powerful. It seems that from every atom of the body there is a fire bursting out, here, there, everywhere. Each atom is bursting into a flame, one after the other, like fire-crackers. It is very difficult to bear.
I have stopped meditating for the last few days.
Of course, all this is happening in the subtle-physical.
I can't bear it. I had two heart-attacks and my nervous system is weak. I must be careful.
I must be careful. This fire is intense, powerful.
But when it happens, at that time I don't feel anything. At that time nothing is felt that way; it is only afterwards that I feel how powerful the fire was.
03:02:1995
Last few days I am not meditating. I am very weak and I do not want to take any chances. I do not want to have any nervous breakdown. I had two heart-attacks and I must be careful. Yes, I must be careful.
But I do go to the Samadhi and offer my Pranam.
Today Sri Aurobindo blessed me and he was blessing for a long time. Even when I came out it was there; he was still blessing. Its action continued for a long time.
Page 42
They told me that once they take up a work, they cannot stop it. Whether I am meditating or not,—it does not matter to them. They do not bother about it. The work goes on. It cannot be stopped. But then they also know what precautions to take.
Their work goes on, but my conscious participation helps it. That is important.
07:02:1995
Yes, I know what is meant by universal surrender. The other day I had talked to you about it. I know what it is. I am given the experience.
It is certainly not the surrender by everybody. It is the surrender of the universal consciousness of the individual.
I saw it very clearly. Something came out from it and made the surrender. From some point of the universal the surrender is made by coming out and offering itself.
But now the work is in the physical. For that to happen the spirit of my physical body must wake up; it must become conscious. It is that which will receive the higher power and be an instrument for its working.
I must be aware of this spirit. I suppose that is what is meant by spiritualization of the physical. That is the work going on. But, of course, that does not protect the body completely from disease and pain and suffering.
09:02:1995
I read your article The Imponderables* It is a very good article. I have taken an off-print also. Your arguments are very sharp and there is a wideness in your thoughts. You must continue to write.
* Mother India, February 1995, pp. 135-47.
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You have written about the work of the Avatar and also emphasised the importance of the instrument in this work. Both are necessary. Avatar cannot do anything if there is no response from us. Arjuna is as much needed on the battlefield as Krishna. You must write another article bringing out specifically this role of the ready instrument.
You see, in Savitri Narad's visit is very important. He was instrumental in making Savitri begin her Yoga to gather force in her soul so that she could meet Death. Who has ever brought man's soul back from Death? Not even the Avatars would do that. They are helpless in that respect,—if there is no response from here.
The Mother's own work was to prepare, to a great extent, disciples to receive what is coming down. Bringing the Supermind down only into Sri Aurobindo's body and hers would not have served much purpose. Nor do they need it for themselves.
For this to have happened, I mean bringing down of the Supermind, a collective aspiration, howsoever inadequate it might be, was essential. Their effort was also to prepare us for such a work. We cannot say therefore that the scaffolding is needed no more. True, the Supermind has come down and things have become easy. But, surely, that does not mean that everything will happen automatically.
Otherwise they would have done it from above itself. Also, it does not mean that the whole of humanity will receive the Supermind and get supramentalised. Our part always remains there to be carried out. We cannot ignore the instrument's effort, our sadhana.
Only a few days ago I could see that Sri Aurobindo is working from below and the Mother from above.
They will do what is to be done up to a certain extent; whatever is
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needed to be done, that they will do. But they expect me also to do sadhana. Without that I cannot progress.
When people say that the Mother is doing all sadhana and that we have nothing to do, I say, it is to ignore our responsibility. Spiritual things don't happen that way.
Almost for twenty years I was not doing anything. But it started again after my second heart-attack, four days after it. I was still in the intensive care unit.
But it was too great a thing and I must not speak about it. Not at least presently; no, not as yet. You know the present work that is going on. At times so much work is being done that it takes me a fairly long time to come out, out to the outer consciousness.
They are working but I have to do my work as well.
The work of spiritualization is going on and, of course, behind this work, the work of spiritualization, the work of psychicisation too. I am sure of that.
What is a scaffolding? Aspiration, surrender, invoking the grace and allowing it to work in us. Can we say that that is not needed any more? Because the Supermind has descended and that it will do everything itself, can we say that it is not needed? I say that this is not correct. This scaffolding is always needed. I don't know what Nolini meant by a scaffolding; but this scaffolding is always needed.
14:02:1995
I went up high, very high, and saw the supreme Mother. I mean by this / my spirit. Otherwise how can I know who she is. This must have been beyond the Overmind.
The spirit knew that her Grace was descending, the Mother's Grace.
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30:12:1995
The Grace was descending for a long time, for more than half an hour. It was continuously descending. I could see it. It is not just a description; it is a fact.
It was descending all the way down to the physical, to the essence of the physical. I was told that I should remain all the while in the delight of existence. The being of Ananda has already descended and that I should remain in the delight of existence. Not only during meditation, but even otherwise,—in my waking state also. It is the being of Ananda who receives the delight of existence.
I went to Sri Aurobindo's Room. Looked at the photo, stood there for about five minutes and then came out. When I came out Sri Aurobindo asked me: "Did you see me? Or, were you simply looking at the photo?"
When you go to Sri Aurobindo's Room in your physical body, and not just mentally which you can do without walking into the Room, the physical should also receive something from him. Otherwise we can always go there in our consciousness.
Then Sri Aurobindo showed me his solid, luminous, powerful form; he held me firmly in it. Very powerful form, very luminous, solid.
28:02:1995
Something happened on the Darshan day, 21st February. But I realized it afterwards and not when it was happening.
I went to the Mother's Room and then to Sri Aurobindo's Room. While in the Mother's Room, she must have started working in me, which continued even when I came out. But I did not know what was happening.
During the 10 o'clock Meditation around the Samadhi, the Darshan day Meditation, I realized that I was given something:
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Jivanmukti, liberation from life while still remaining in life. I became a Jivanmukta. There was such a difference before and afterwards.
You see, that is why I sent some fruits to you yesterday through your mother. I am glad. Yes, I am glad.
How do I know that I have become a Jivanmukta? Was I told so?
No, I was not told in such a way, not in so many words. But I consider it to be so from the general results. It is my statement based upon the results.
11:04:1995
This depression is killing. I feel strongly that I must go out of this existence. Very painful, and I don't know how long it will continue, how long it will be there. Of course, they are working, but I don't see anything happening. Very painful.
On the 4th, during the meditation in the evening this is what happened. You see, this is the day of arrival of Sri Aurobindo at Pondicherry.
The Mother said that it was the day «the supreme Grace had descended upon the soil of Pondicherry. She showed me the whole thing,—the descent of the Grace on the soil of Pondicherry, as if she enacted the whole thing again.
I could see it very clearly.
10:09:1995
My birthday was very beautiful this time. It was exceptional. It had never happened like that to me in the whole of my life.
I came out from Sri Aurobindo's Room. Then I sat for a while near the Samadhi at my usual place. When I was going away, Reality was with me.
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It is now there always with me.
On one earlier occasion Sri Aurobindo had taken me up very high, very high. I could not see where, but very high. Sky after sky had opened out.
Then, I could not see anything. I could not see anything, not even my spirit.
But there was a constant downpour of Grace, constant downpour as was there on an earlier occasion,—Transcendental Grace coming down directly.
09:12:1995
I saw the psychic being for the first time, my psychic being. But it was only for a brief while. It was quite big, as big as myself. The features were like mine, very similar to my face. That is why I could recognize it.
Immediately following it was the experience of the global consciousness. It, the global consciousness, was surrounding me, rather surrounding my whole being.
How do you know it was your psychic being? What was its color? How can you say that it was the psychic being?
What else could it have been? It resembled me exactly; its features were like mine. It was not bright, but neither was it dull. There was a global consciousness around it. I will not say it was universal consciousness, but there was global consciousness around it. There is a difference between the two.
Could it not have been your spirit?
Yes, yes, that is very likely. I never thought that it could have been the spirit. But does the spirit have a form?
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Why not? It can be with a form also.
Yes, yes, I am more inclined to say that it was the spirit. The global consciousness would also suggest that.
24:12:1995
Sri Aurobindo was working in me. He told me: "Absorb my Consciousness-Force."
I was doing it. The whole of the lower being was receiving it. It went on like that all the time during the day. Next day it opened out above. Very wide, opened out above.
28:12:1995
The Mother rarely speaks to me. She will do her work and it is Sri Aurobindo who will tell whatever has to be told. But this time the Mother spoke. It was for the first time she spoke: "I can now do the work in you at my will, as I like it."
I do not know what she was doing and was going to do; what was going on for a long time, that I do not know. "At my will I can work"—that is what she indicated. I am so happy.
It is for the first time that I am getting this experience.
I am here now for 64 years; I came here in 1931. But this is for the first time she said: "I can do my work in you at my will."
I am so happy.
The Mother told me: "I worked through the physical mind centre." The work was going on all the while. I do not know what work, but it was going on all the while.
She told me this afterwards, that it was through the physical mind centre the work was going on.
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Where is it, this physical mind centre?
Cannot say, but perhaps the brain-cells. Must have some connection with the Mind of Light. The whole thing appears to be closely knit together.
21:12:1996
In the evening I had come to the Ashram for meditation. Sri Aurobindo and the Mother were doing the work for a long time.
I could see it, and know it also. But there was no mind. The work continued so.
But in the absence of the mind, who is it that knows what is being done? I was puzzled.
Then I was told that it is the consciousness. I was told that I should be aware of it. I should try and learn to know by it, through consciousness.
I remember a letter of Sri Aurobindo, a very long letter, wherein he is talking of consciousness. I must find it and read it again. I think I am being told that I should be aware of another method, not the mental method, to understand these workings.
Can you please find that letter for me, about consciousness?
Next day the letter was given. It is as follows:
Consciousness is not, to my experience, a phenomenon dependent on the reactions of personality to the forces of Nature and amounting to no more than a seeing or interpretation of these reactions. If that were so, then when the personality becomes silent and immobile and gives no reactions, as there would be no seeing or interpretative action, there would therefore be no consciousness. That contradicts some of the fundamental experiences of yoga, e.g., a silent
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and immobile consciousness infinitely spread out, not dependent on the personality but impersonal and universal, not seeing and interpreting contacts but motionlessly self-aware, not dependent on the reactions, but persistent in itself even when no reactions take place. The subjective personality itself is only a formation of consciousness which is a power inherent, not in the activity of the temporary manifested personality, but in the being, the Self or Purusha.
Consciousness is a reality inherent in existence. It is there even when it is not active on the surface, but silent and immobile; it is there even when it is invisible on the surface, not reacting on outward things or sensible to them, but withdrawn and either active or inactive within; it is there even when it seems to us to be quite absent and the being to our view unconscious and inanimate.
Consciousness is not only power of awareness of self and things, it is or has also a dynamic and creative energy. It can determine its own reactions or abstain from reactions; it can not only answer to forces, but create or put out from itself forces. Consciousness is Chit but also Chit Shakti.
Consciousness is usually identified with mind, but mental consciousness is only the human range which no more exhausts all the possible ranges of consciousness than human sight exhausts all the gradations of colour or human hearing all the gradations of sound—for there is much above or below that is to man invisible and inaudible. So there are ranges of consciousness above and below the human range, with which the normal human has no contact and they seem to it uncon-scious, supramental or overmental and submental ranges.
When Yājñavalkya says there is no consciousness in the Brahman state, he is speaking of consciousness as the human being knows it. The Brahman state is that of a supreme existence supremely aware of itself, svayaṁprakāśa,—it is Sachidananda, Existence-Consciousness-Bliss. Even if it be spoken of as beyond That, parātparam, it does not mean that it is a state of Non-existence or Non-consciousness, but beyond even the highest spiritual substratum (the "founda-
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tion above" in the luminous paradox of the Rig Veda) of cosmic existence and consciousness. As it is evident from the description of Chinese Tao and the Buddhist Shunya that that is a Nothingness in which all is, so with the negation of consciousness here. Superconscient and subconscient are only relative terms; as we rise into the superconscient we see that it is a consciousness greater than the highest we yet have and therefore in our normal state inaccessible to us and, if we can go down into the subconscient, we find there a consciousness other than our own at its lowest mental limit and therefore ordinarily inaccessible to us. The inconscient itself is only an involved state of consciousness which like the Tao or Shunya, though in a different way, contains all things suppressed within it so that under a pressure from above or within all can evolve out of it "an inert Soul with a somnam-bulist Force."
The gradations of consciousness are universal states not dependent on the outlook of the subjective personality; rather the outlook of the subjective personality is determined by the grade of consciousness in which it is organised according to its typal nature or its evolutionary stage.
It will be evident that by consciousness is meant something which is essentially the same throughout but variable in status, condition and operation, in which in some grades or conditions the activities we call consciousness can exist either in a suppressed or an unorganised or a differently organised state; while in other states some other activities may manifest which in us are suppressed, unorganised or latent or else are less perfectly manifested, less intensive, extended and powerful than in those higher grades above our highest mental limit.
(SABCL, Vol. 22, pp. 233-235.)
Yes, you got it. That is the letter I was referring to. I must read it again.
11:01:1997
It was two or three days ago. I was meditating in the evening at
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the Samadhi. During the meditation Sri Aurobindo told me to enter into his consciousness.
I did. I went deep, and more deep, continuously, for a long time. But then beyond a certain stage, I could not go any further, deep into the consciousness. I stopped there and told Sri Aurobindo so.
He said: "All right, I will enter in you." It continued for a long time. I was still standing at the Samadhi, almost for an hour. But then how long could I stand?
So I told him: "As you are entering in me, it is not necessary for me to be here. I can as well go home." I moved out.
I do not know when it stopped.
02:02:1997
"It is through Ananda that your sadhana will be done now." This is what I was told.
Can Ananda be active? Can it do the sadhana directly? How does it act?
Normally Ananda does not work directly, without the Supermind. Yes, Supermind has to be established for its dynamism.
Perhaps Ananda can work indirectly through some medium, through the agency of one or other. In that case its action will also get limited, showing a partial effect. I don't think it will be directly through Ananda. Another kind of support is needed.
Perhaps it may be through psychic happiness and cheerfulness.
19:02:1997
I was just coming out of my afternoon nap.
I saw a huge temple with figures of gods carved on its walls, as
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we have on Gopurams of the South Indian temples. These gods suddenly became alive and started moving towards me.
They were bringing their light with them. A very brief glimpse, or happening, as I immediately woke up.
Or, is it that it was happening after my waking up? Did it happen when I was still in the dream-state? No, I can't say. I don't know. But it was a vivid thing.
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PART II
I shall give here one instance when Amal Kiran, my elderly friend in the Ashram, was so helpful to me in several respects. I shall particularly narrate the literary help I received from him, how he prompted me to compose a poem. That poem in a mysterious way, and as if prophetically, gets connected with the great Event which took place one year after its composition, the event of 29 February 1956.
For a time Amal was in the Centre of Education, our Professor of English Poetry. Once he asked all the students to write a poem as homework. Nobody wrote. He was still very patient and said: "Do you think it is so difficult to compose a poem? In our ordinary parlance also there is so much poetry." This he showed to us by writing on the blackboard how our normal speech can be poetry. He further encouraged us by saying that whatever we would write, he would give us full marks ! Some of us tried. He liked my composition so much that he came to my room and said: "Since you have such a talent, why don't you write poetry! I shall publish it in Mother India." But I pointed out to him that in my composition there were no rhymes and all lines were not of equal length. "We can sit together and perfect it as much as possible," he said. It was my maiden attempt and, after going through it, he said that not a word need be changed in it; I was naturally happy when he found it all right. This was my Prelude. But I was stunned when he added that he felt jealous about it. What humility for a gifted poet like him! He even published this poem in the April 1955 issue of Mother India. The poem is as follows:
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How the whole thing happened is a great surprise to me; but a greater surprise is the Supramental Manifestation that took place unexpectedly later in February 1956.
My second poem is also about the Manifestation and was published in Mother India, April 1956; it runs as follows:
O Power Supreme! long-waited Birth!
Thou comest burdened with lotus dawns
To the wearied limbs of patient earth.
Calmly thou comest, O lovely Light,
To plant the Sun's Immortality
And the Moon's solid tranquility.
Behind thee I glimpse eternal pace
Of the royal Master's radiant feet.
The finite shall kiss the Gnostic Grace!
Soon thou wilt burst the inconscient Cavern
And release the iron crusts of our world.
Denied to the Gods, to Man thou art given!
It seems that things were moving fast and the atmosphere was rife for some very significant Event to take place. Somehow my Prelude caught it and somehow Amal was responsible for making me write it; I look at it again in sheer amazement.
In connection with Supramental Manifestation I recollect Amal's story. It was on 29th February 1956 that he had to go to Bombay for some work; but he was hesitant to do so as it was expected that something important would take place during that year. He asked the Mother; as she thought that it would be towards the end of March she allowed him to go; it was expected that by then he would come back. She also told him that in case it
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happened, she would inform him about it. He was on his way to Bombay, traveling by train on 29th February—the most memorable Day in human history. He had retired early in his compartment, but then he saw in his sleep a big crowd. He noticed that they, standing in a queue, were moving one by one towards the Mother. He wanted to join in. Shaking his slippers in his dream, he woke up. Most unexpectedly he saw the Mother standing, a transparent form against the wooden panels of the compartment. He could not make out anything from that vision. After his return to the Ashram he asked the Mother about it. She replied: "I had promised to inform you about the Supramental Manifestation whenever it would occur. I came to do it."
One more incident apropos of the Manifestation. This was much before 1956, during the time of Sri Aurobindo. Dilip Kumar Roy noted that the Mother was spending several hours in the Playground. He wrote to Sri Aurobindo asking whether the Supermind was going to descend there; he even sought permission to join the Playground activity. Sri Aurobindo replied that it was not necessary for him to do so. He added that if the Supermind was going to descend in the Playground he himself would not get it as he wouldn't be going there!
And yet see the irony of events! Sri Aurobindo had left his body and Dilip Kumar Roy the Ashram. And the Manifestation indeed took place in the Playground. The Mother was giving us the meditation after the Wednesday class when this happened.
The same year I met the Mother and asked her: "How is it that I was there in front of you during the meditation and yet did not know about the Descent?" But I must say that I had slipped into a trance at that time; this was in spite of her warning me not to go into it in public places. And, though Sri Aurobindo had taught me to be conscious in trance, I had fallen into an unconscious trance.
Amal prompting me to write a poem and that poem having some connection, howsoever remote, with this great Event makes me feel happy; 1 owe that happiness to him indeed.
Towards the end of the year 1954, in what was before the gymnasium hall and what are now the office and the store-room
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of the Playground, the Mother spoke thus: "The next fourteen months will be critical for the Ashram." She, however, did not give any reason as to why it was going to be so, nor any indication of what was going to happen afterwards. These fourteen months ended in February 1956. Till the end of 28th of February nothing happened. Our small human mind had forgotten what the Mother had said and then suddenly something wonderful took place. The Supermind had made up its mind to come down on the oddest day, the extra day allotted to the year 1956, 29 February! The Mother later called this day the Golden Day. Surely Sri Aurobindo's "strategic sacrifice"—to use Amal's phrase—on 5 December 1950 had hastened the Supramental advent.*
* The above article was written by Nagin-bhai to felicitate Amal Kiran on his 90th birthday. It appeared in Mother India, March 1995, pp. 181-85.
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Two Poems by Nagin-bhai
The Supreme Sun
A decimal point in the vastness of Eternity,
So it seemed to my first human sight,
But here the finite was measuring the Infinite.
Even my cosmic gaze failed to contain that orb!
The golden Sun was bigger than all our sky,
It shadowed the luminous stars of the Way.
Calm, serene and joyous were the beams
Of the mighty Sun which stood alone,
Menacing the very existence of the Inconscient.
Lotus Dawn
O Light Immaculate! long desired One!
With ruthful love Thou comest
To capture the world in a hushed tone!
Mighty Power of lightning steed!
Ere the mortal mind realised Thee
The hidden earth-spirit was freed!
Through thirty winters' blast and noise,
When our last ray was flickering
Two lonely souls toiled in deep poise.
Eagle fire-winged! One sweep on earth
By Thee broke age-old darknesses,—
Our life's lost paradise took birth!
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Replica of card written by the Mother in French and in English. In it she describes what happened during that meditation.
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Heralds of the Supramental World—The Mother
The painting was done by Pramode Kumar Chatterjee in February 1956 in Calcutta after a visionary experience. At that time he knew nothing about the supramental manifestation in the subtle-physical of the earth which, as declared by the Mother, occurred on the last day of that month. When he showed the painting to the Mother in 1958 she wrote the caption on its lower margin. She also got it printed and distributed it on the Darshan Day, 21 February 1960. It is exhibited in the room where Sri Aurobindo and the Mother used to sit for giving Darshan.
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Kailash-bhai Tells Me
Nagin never spoke to me about his experiences. We were quite close to each other and would speak about every kind of thing. But he never mentioned to me anything about his inner life. Just one or two small incidents I know, as narrated to me by him. But these are of a general nature.
It was a Christmas day. In those early days, it used to be celebrated in the Playground. The Mother used to come there. Nagin was young. The problem of sex was still troubling him. There was a lot of correspondence with Sri Aurobindo regarding this. But he had not yet overcome it. In the Playground he was constantly looking at one girl. The Mother noticed it and did something. Since then Nagin had no sex-difficulty in his life and sadhana. He would talk and mix with everybody but this had totally disappeared. It didn't happen in the case of many others although they were also very close to the Mother.
At Balcony Darshan, one day there was a very thick atmosphere. It was a long Darshan, almost for half an hour. It seems the Mother had gone inside and again came out; at least that is what people standing closer to the Balcony felt. Later, she asked D. whether he was present. When he said 'No', she told him that Sri Aurobindo's presence was so powerful that it looked like a thick atmosphere. Nagin told me this later.
I came to know through somebody that Nagin was a Yogi in his past birth. It is also reported that he will need one more birth to complete his Yoga. Perhaps this was mentioned by Sri Aurobindo in some context. We don't know how far it is authentic. Nagin never spoke of it to me. That was his nature. But I don't know whether he was aware of it. Perhaps, yes.
Nagin almost knew that he was going away. He wanted to see Dr. Datta, but the doctor was not there. When someone attending on him wanted to know if he could help him, he politely repeated that he wanted to see the doctor himself. He wanted to make some offering to the Dispensary.
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He had a young maid-servant who looked after him with great care. He gave her some money, about ten-thousand rupees, for her marriage. He had given good presents like that to his earlier servants also. He used to go to the marriage ceremony and give presents.
One young Tamil person came in close contact with him. He was a sincere seeker, devoting himself always to sadhana. He made one request to Nagin, for something that he had received from the Mother or from Sri Aurobindo. He told him that he had only two photos of theirs with him and Kailash would have these after his passing away. It would be for him to decide about them afterwards. But the young man somehow came to know about Nagin's passing away and arrived here from Chennai in time; he had his last darshan. Kailash told about the photos to Nagin's sister who gladly agreed to give one of them to the young aspirant.
A year or so after his arrival, Nagin wrote to Sri Aurobindo: "I see Madanlal's soul to be very bright." Sri Aurobindo wrote back: "His soul was bright, but it became brighter after his coming here."
Amal Kiran Writes*
At 7.20 p.m. on 9 May 1997 one of the old guard of Sri Aurobindo's Integral Yoga breathed his last. But when I looked intently at his face as he lay in his room for a last look of farewell by his friends, I did not see the proverbial peace as if all work had come to an end. In its place an indrawn aloofness was most evident to me. Nagin seemed still intent on his sadhana and by giving up his body he appeared merely to concentrate on another way of meeting the Divine and transmitting the Great Presence.
I knew Nagin very intimately and was often in his room collecting and copying Sri Aurobindo's answers to his questions in the notebooks he used to send to his Guru every night. And my
* Mother India, July 1997.
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constant impression of him was of a spontaneous persistence in the act of both standing back and remembering to offer all one's being to the secret Supreme.
It is also worth observing that while there is in the Ashram no prohibition of sadhaks and sadhikas meeting each other, I have not seen Nagin having any relations, however superficial, with a sadhika. When he met a sadhika he was never constrained in his dealings, he was quite at ease, but he had no urge to cultivate any friendship with the feminine element in the Ashram. I believe he followed very faithfully the advice Sri Aurobindo had given him when he had asked the Mother what should his attitude be to the other sex. Sri Aurobindo wrote just two simple yet highly significant words: "Distant indifference."
Nagin's correspondence has been published, and is of great importance; for certain aspects of the Integral Yoga are brought forward there more strikingly than anywhere else. Looking at Nagin's unassuming appearance, his face always faintly smiling as if to himself and his highly shuffling gait, one would hardly think that here was an example of Sri Aurobindo's Yoga fully practised with nothing at all of self-importance. He had also a good sense of humour—an indispensable trait for anybody who wished to hobnob with Amal Kiran. And I was happy and proud to find that he had great trust in my judgment.
People have noted that when he was at the Samadhi his body assumed postures of which he was quite unaware. One knew at once that there was no deliberate drama here—but rather one got a glimpse, unintended by the giver—of someone who could swiftly get lost in a dimension superior to our common consciousness. It is not certain how much of this dimension he could bring into contact with the daily course of his life, for his normal life was very simple and unimpressive. Perhaps one is not quite sure that his inner opening to the Mother was as great as it was to his Master, but the latter relationship was quite evident in its absoluteness.
A certain feature of his yogic life in the Ashram is worth noting. Sri. Aurobindo has written about himself that sometimes his active sadhana used to come to a dead-stop—even for several
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months. In this period one has to remain calm and mentally turned to the Divine. Nagin has divulged that he had six long years of sadhana-stoppage. During this period he had started a systematic reading of great literary works. For example, he went through all the plays of Bernard Shaw. One day, when he was standing at the Samadhi, suddenly the sadhana started on its own. Evidently the stoppage was a period of inner assimilation brought about by the Guru.
A notable experience which his correspondence with Sri Aurobindo reveals is of the Brahmic or Universal Consciousness. No doubt, a very important state realised for a shorter or longer period, but one that has been undergone by a number of sadhaks. We find it indicated, for instance, in Sahana-devi's correspondence with Sri Aurobindo—but as far as I remember, never so explicitly featured, as in Nagin's exchange of letters.
To go through the whole bulk of this exchange is to acquire a special insight into Sri Aurobindo's luminous pushing of his disciples onward and upward. Holding in mind its splendid revelations side by side with the memory of its recipient's sweet modesty and all-time geniality we shall be able to do some justice to the nature of our loss when Nagin parted from us.
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I went to Esha-di's place along with S. and M. and had a fairly long session with her, from 5.40 to 6.50 on 20 January 1998. It was an intimate meeting and there were no inhibitions or reservations in talking about Nagin-bhai's sadhana as far as it was made known to us, or as far as we understood it.
Nagin-bhai spoke very rarely about his personal experiences to anyone; in fact he always avoided talking about these. Only during the last few weeks he would speak something, now and then, but that also very briefly.
It was 25th April 1997, immediately following the Darshan. Early in the morning Nagin-bhai suddenly felt that his soul wanted to leave the body. He was wiping his hands after the bath when he had this strong but quite unmistakable feeling. At once he sent a message to Dr. Datta to that effect. Dr. Datta was not yet ready, but he rushed to his house and examined him. The doctor found him medically to be perfectly all right, his heart, pulse, blood pressure, everything. But Nagin-bhai again said the same thing, that his soul wanted to leave the body. The doctor visited him a couple of hours later to examine him again. But, from the medical point of view, he was quite normal and there was no sign of any concern in that respect. When Nagin-bhai repeatedly spoke about his soul wanting to leave the body, Dr. Datta told him that he would examine him only as a doctor and the rest would be a question between his soul and the Mother; about that relationship, between the two of them, he would not say anything.
Two weeks later, on 9th May, Nagin-bhai passed away in the evening. Dr. Datta was present by his bedside. He touched his feet and his eyes were wet with tears. That morning Nagin-bhai was admitted to the Nursing Home. In the afternoon, at 4 or so, he himself telephoned Dr.Datta as he wanted to talk to him personally.
At about 6.45 in the evening S. and M. went to see him at the Nursing Home. But as they were just to enter the room, the nurse drew the curtain and kept Nagin-bhai on oxygen. No one was allowed to see him.
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Later Dr. Datta examined him and when he came out after 20 minutes or so he said that Nagin-bhai had breathed his last. He then telephoned Vishwabandhu and informed him to take his body to the room where he was staying. It seems that Nagin-bhai was quite conscious till the last moment of his life.
The following was on 25th April: At that time he told S to inform Esha-di about this,—that his soul wants to leave the body. When Esha-di met him, he told her repeatedly the same thing. He also requested her to pray to the Guru and find out from him if it was true. But she told Nagin-bhai that she would not ask such a question to the Guru. She also spoke to him that it could be some kind of fear about death in him.
During these days Nagin-bhai once noticed that his room had become suddenly very bright. Later he saw that Sri Aurobindo was present there in his wonderful golden form. He saw him standing there, near his bed. He stood so for a long time. Then slowly the vision disappeared. He told about this vision to Esha-di and asked her to find what exactly it meant. He wanted to know if it had any significance in the context of his soul's choice.
She went home and opened kathāmrita and read the description given by the Paramhamsa regarding brahma-chetanā, the Consciousness-Flame of the Eternal. She at once recognised that Nagin-bhai had attained brahma-chetanā. It was Sri Aurobindo himself who had come to take care of Nagin-bhai's soul.
While on one hand Nagin-bhai was repeatedly saying that his soul wanted to leave the body, on the other he also told Esha-di that he wanted five more years of life to complete his present sadhana. He asked her to pray to the Guru for that. She replied: "Nagin-bhai, why five years? If it is in my power, I will ask for you a life of a hundred years." Nagin-bhai wanted to live for five more years. It didn't happen.
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Perhaps his external nature had an urge to live longer to do sadhana, though the soul had already taken the decision to leave the body. The fear of death was certainly a part of this external nature of his. Normally a Yogi does not keep on repeating that his soul wants to leave the body. If at all, he will speak to this effect just once or twice to somebody very intimate to him and who is advanced in yogic sadhana. Nagin-bhai had told it many times and to a number of persons. No doubt he was a Yogi, but he was not that kind of a Yogi who would not say a single word about his soul's decision. This conflict of the soul wanting to leave the body and he wishing to live for another five years is typical of the inner and the outer not yet grown one in the spirit.
Once Esha-di gave Nagin-bhai a picture of Lord Jagannath. He went to Sri Aurobindo's room and sat there for meditation, but he could not sit too long; he left the room much before the meditation bell rang*. There was a flood of light coming from Lord Jagannath and his being was filled with it. He could not bear it any more and left the room. He told her so.
Nagin-bhaj did not want Esha-di to visit him in his room. She felt so and discreetly made the visits brief as well as less frequent. She thought that he did not want any woman to visit him and be in his room. Even in the night he would not allow any attendant to sleep in the room, though it was necessary for somebody to take care of him. Only once or twice R. gave night-duty to him. He said that his sadhana was going on in sleep also and hence he did not want any other influence to be present there.
As far as the presence of a woman was concerned, he did not have any feeling of that sort. Definitely the Mother had worked it so in him and he was free of it. Once the Mother told Sri
* N.B. To signal the end of meditation in Sri Aurobindo's Room, a small jingling bell is rung.
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Aurobindo that her experiment with Nagin was successful but with X it was a failure. Esha-di tells that Nirod-da himself had heard this when, in those days after the accident, he used to attend on Sri Aurobindo in his room.
Once Nagin-bhai saw in a vision two persons holding his hands and feet and swinging him on a bright fire. They were swinging him gently, as one rocks a cradle. He did not look at those two men and had no further recollection of them. The fire was cool and pleasant. Was the fire on which he was being swung Agni of Purification, agni pāvaka, or was that the Pyre? For us there is no way of knowing it.
S. and M. got acquainted with Nagin-bhai when they were coming to the Ashram as visitors; they used to work in the Washing Section of the Dining Room where Nagin-bhai also worked before the accident to his leg. They became pretty intimate and Nagin-bhai had expressed his desire to visit them in Goa. But arrangements to take him to the place were not easy, as no one was available to accompany or escort him. In those days S. and M. were in service and they could not make any special trip to take Nagin-bhai along with them. Once Nagin-bhai had gone to Bangalore. At that time it was suggested that he should board a certain train and they would receive him at the other end. It didn't happen,—Nagin-bhai returned to the Ashram from Bangalore. But, on the next occasion, he followed the instructions carefully and visited them. He was very happy, but did not evince any great interest in going around and visiting the sightseeing places.
Before leaving for Goa one of his Ashram friends had told him not to come back without tasting kāju-pheni, a drink prepared from green cashewnuts. When he made this request to S. and M., more or less immediately after getting down from the train, they were shocked! An Ashramite asking for kāju-pheni! But when they explained to him what kāju-pheni is, he did not ask for it. So simple was he in his attitude and in his look on life.
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Esha-di says he was like a child, very simple, without the usual cleverness of the human mind.
Nagin-bhai used to give flowers to S. and M. In case for some reason or other they had failed to see him, he would make enquiries about them. He always enjoyed their preparations and had said so to them. But he never mentioned a word about his sadhana to them. As he was reluctant they also did not press him for that in any way.
During the last two or three years of his life Nagin-bhai had told me a few things about his spiritual sadhana. We used to meet pretty regularly, though for a brief while only, in the Ashram when he would tell me about the experiences he was having then. The record of these experiences, as narrated by him, forms part one of the present book. More than his sadhana, what we see in it is the work the Master and the Mother do in each prepared soul of theirs.
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What is an incarnation? From what plane does it take place?
An incarnation is the Divine Consciousness and Being manifesting through the body. It is possible from any plane.
When the Divine descends here as an incarnation, does not that very act mould his infinity into a limited finite? How then does he still continue to rule over the universe?
Do you imagine that the Divine is at any time not everywhere in the universe or beyond it? or that he is living at one point in space and governing the rest from it, as Mussolini governs the Italian Empire from Rome?
I was speaking of the Divine in the body, and not of the Divine in his supreme plane above in an impersonal and formless aspect. Does not his incarnation on earth necessarily limit him? Living in such a world he has to govern all the three universes?
It is the omnipresent cosmic Divine who supports the action of the universe; if there is an Incarnation, it does not in the least diminish the cosmic presence and the cosmic action in the three or thirty million universes.
When the Avatar comes down here how does he take on a mind, vital and body? It is, I think, the soul that is divine, but the Adhar has to be built up from the cosmos?
Everybody has to do that when he is born. It is the soul that is permanent.
Does an Avatar create a new mind, life and body from the cosmos for himself or take hold of some liberated human being and use his outer personality for his manifestation?
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That would be a possession not an Avatar. An Avatar is supposed to be from birth. Each soul at its birth takes from the cosmic mind, life and matter to shape a new external personality for himself. What prevents the Divine doing the same? What is continued from birth to birth is the inner being.
You wrote: "The Avatar is a special manifestation, while for the rest of the time it is the Divine working with the ordinary human limits as a Vibhuti." Does not the Divine find it difficult to mould himself into a Vibhuti and accept the human limits?
Why should it be difficult? Even the Avatar accepts limits for his work.
Since an Avatar comes here with a divine Power, Light and Ananda why should he pass through the same process of sadhana as an ordinary sadhak?
The Avatar is not supposed to act in a non-human way—he takes up human action and uses human methods with the human consciousness in front and the Divine behind. If he did not his taking a human body would have no meaning and would be of no use to anybody. He could just as well have stayed above and done things from there.
The Avatar, unlike the Vibhuti, does not need to satisfy his vital. [Sri Aurobindo's marginal remark: "Why should he not?"] For his vital has no cravings and desires as our vital has. He is above them. And if he seems to be satisfying them, it is only to acquire experience and knowledge of the vital worlds.
All that is wrong. The Avatar takes upon himself the nature of humanity in his instrumental parts, though the consciousness acting behind is divine.
When the Divine descends here (as the Avatar), he has to veil himself and deal with the world and its movements like an
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ordinary man of the cosmic product [Sri Aurobindo's marginal remark: "Exactly"]. But behind he is perfectly conscious of what happens. The universal forces cannot make him their tool as they make us.
That does not prevent the Avatar from acting as men act and using the movements of Nature for his life and work.
Does your above answer mean that the Avatars too satisfy the vital desires, cravings, lust, etc. as a layman?
What do you mean by lust? Avatars can be married and have children and that is not possible without sex; they can have friendships, enmities, family feelings etc., etc.,—these are vital things. I think you are under the impression that an Avatar must be a saint or a yogi.
The Avatars can of course be married and satisfy the vital movements. But do they really indulge them as ordinary people? While satisfying their outer being do they not remain conscious of their union with the Divine above ?
There is not necessarily any union above before the practice of yoga. There is a connection of the consciousness with the veiled Divinity and an action out of that, but this is not dependent on the practice of yoga.
We believe that both you and the Mother are Avatars. But is it only in this life that both of you have shown your divinity? It is said that you and she have been on the earth constantly since its creation. What were you doing during your previous lives?
Carrying on the evolution.
I find it difficult to understand so concise a statement. Can't you elaborate it?
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That would mean writing the whole of human history. I can only say that as there are special descents to carry on the evolution to a farther stage, so also something of the Divine is always there to help through each stage itself in one direction or another.
The common mass of mankind in the past may not have recognized your presence amongst them, especially when outwardly both of you may have had personalities like those of ordinary human beings. But how is it that even Sri Krishna, Buddha or Christ could not detect your presence in this world?
Presence where and in whom? If they did not meet, they would not recognize, and even if they met there is no reason why the Mother and I should cast off the veil which hung over these personalities and reveal the Divine behind them. Those lives were not meant for any such purpose.
If you were on the earth constantly it would mean that you were here when those great beings descended. Whatever your external cloak, how could you hide your inner self—the true divinity— from them ? It could not have mattered whether you and any of them were born in the same country or not. They ought to have discovered by their own higher light that the Divine Consciousness from which they had descended was already here in a physical form.
But why can't the inner self be hidden from all in such lives? Your reasoning would only have some force if the presence on earth then were as the Avatar but not if it was only as a Vibhuti.
You have asked, "Presence where and in whom?" Why have you put those question-words? What exactly is conveyed by them?
...It is "presence" in or behind some body and behind some outer personality. Also "presence" in what part of the world? If the Mother were in Rome in the time of Buddha, how could Buddha know as he did not even know the existence of Rome?
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I did not mean that you or the Mother needed to cast off your veil. It is those Great Men who should have recognized you in spite of the veil.
One can be a great man without knowing such things as that. Great Men or even great Vibhutis need not be omniscient or know things which it was not useful for them to know.
You said, "But why can't the inner self be hidden from all in such lives?" I fail to understand how anyone could hide one's inner self from Avatars and Vibhutis.
An Avatar or Vibhuti have the knowledge that is necessary for their work, they need not have more. There was absolutely no reason why Buddha should know what was going on in Rome. An Avatar even does not manifest all the divine omniscience and omnipotence; he has not come for any such unnecessary display; all that is behind him but not in the front of his consciousness. As for the Vibhuti, the Vibhuti need not even know that he is a power of the Divine. Some Vibhutis like Julius Caesar for instance have been atheists. Buddha himself did not believe in a personal God, only in some impersonal and indescribable Permanent.
Still I can't understand one thing; even though you did not cast off your veil, how could people like Buddha or Christ not help casting off their veil (or ignorance) in order to recognise you?
Why should they? The veil was there necessary for their work. Why should it be thrown off? So if the Mother was present in the life of Christ, she was there not as the Divine Manifestation but as one altogether human. For her to be recognised as the Divine would have created a tremendous disorder and frustrated the work Christ came to do by breaking its proper limits.
You must have heard that just before Christ was born some Rishis from India knew of the divine Descent and set out for Jerusalem
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merely by their intuition, though they had not known what and where Jerusalem was.
I never heard of Rishis from India going there. There is a legend of some Magi getting an intuition that a divine Birth was there on earth and following a star that led them to the stable in which Christ was born. But this is a legend, not history.
Since you and the Mother were on earth constantly from the beginning what was the need for Avatars coming down here one after another?
We were not on earth as Avatars.
You say that you both were not on earth as Avatars. And yet you were carrying on the evolution. Since the Divine Himself was on the earth carrying on the evolution, what was the necessity for the coming down of the Avatars who are portions of Himself?
The Avatar is necessary when a special work is to be done and in crises of the evolution. The Avatar is a special manifestation while for the rest of the time it is the Divine working within the ordinary human limits as a Vibhuti.
(Nagin Doshi, Guidance from Sri Aurobindo,VolI, pp.278-85.)
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From the very day of my arrival in the Ashram I was hearing a great deal about the Mother's Force. Everybody was talking about this Force as if it had been synonymous with the Mother herself! When someone was sick, met with some difficulty in work, faced a problem in study or an obstruction in the inner sadhana, he invoked the Mother's Force and it usually worked. This calling and the intervention of the Force seemed so spontaneous that nobody took it as anything but natural. It assumed the form of a miracle in some rare cases. That was when the problem had already become so complicated that it did not get solved by a mere prayer and the Mother's personal intervention had to be sought.
Being new and too young to understand all this, I asked Sri Aurobindo what exactly was this unique thing called "the Mother's Force". Was it the same thing as divine Shakti? There came forth one of the most beautiful and comprehensive explanations on the Mother he has ever given me in a few lines:
There is one divine Force which acts in the universe and in the individual and is also beyond the individual and the universe. The Mother stands for all these, but she is working here in the body to bring down something not yet expressed in this material world so as to transform life here—it is so that you should regard her as the Divine Shakti working here for that purpose. She is that in the body, but in her whole consciousness she is also identified with all the other aspects of the Divine Force.
The Master further explained the relationship between the Mother and Her Force:
When I speak of the Mother's Force I do not speak of the force of the Prakriti which carries on things of the Ignorance but of the higher Force of the Divine that descends from above to transform the nature. The Mother's Force is the
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manifestation of the Mother herself...
It is the Divine Force which works to remove the ignorance and change the nature into the divine Nature.
We little human beings can never fathom the full glory of the Mother's personality. Such is the case with the Mother's Force, too. How much potency it must have that it not only removes the Ignorance but also changes and transforms the nature into the divine Nature, a process which was never attempted in the old Yogas. Sri Aurobindo tried to enlighten me further about the workings of this Force in my correspondence:
Myself: Sometimes, if not often, the Mother's Force comes down, carries on some work and disappears. When once it has descended why has it to go back and then return?
Sri Aurobindo: So long as you cannot contain its action, there is no other way.
Myself: In that case, generally speaking, is not every sadhak ready to receive and contain the Mother's Force at any time and in any circumstances? Who on earth would not like to hold its constant action?
Sri Aurobindo: It is not a question of mental wish but of capacity and whether all the parts of the being are ready and can retain it. If everybody were containing the constant action of the Mother's Force, the sadhana would be finished by now and the siddhi complete.
Myself: You wrote,"Ask for the consciousness of her Force." Does it mean that I should aspire to the Mother to know about her Force and how and where its workings are in me?
Sri Aurobindo: Yes—not to know with the mind only, but to feel them and see them with inner experience.
Finally I may quote a most enlightening answer to a question by me.
Myself: When a sadhak does his work with the right attitude and calls down the Mother's Force into him freely and directly, how does it act to remove his defects?
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Sri Aurobindo: It acts awakening the inner consciousness gradually or swiftly, by replacing the principle of ego-service by the principle of service of the Divine, by making him watch his actions and see his own defects and pushing him to rectify them, by establishing a connection between his consciousness and the Mother's Consciousness, by preparing his nature to be taken up more and more by the Mother's Consciousness and Force, by giving him experiences which make him ready for the major experiences of Yoga, by stimulating the growth of his psychic being, by opening him to the Mother as the universal Being, etc., etc. Naturally it acts differently in different persons.
(Nagin Doshi, Guidance from Sri Aurobindo, Vol. III, pp. 266-68.)
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Books by R. Y. Deshpandey
Poetry
The Rhododendron Valley (1985)
All is Dream-Blaze (1992)
Under the Raintree (1994)
Paging the Unknown (2000)
Passing Moments (in the Press)
Prose
The Ancient Tale of Savitri (1995, 1996)
Vyasa's Savitri (1996)
"Satyavan Must Die" (1996)
Sri Aurobindo and the New Millennium (2000)
All Life is Yoga (2000)
The Wager of Ambrosia (in the Press)
Nagin-bhai Tells Me (2001)
Edited Prose
Nirodbaran: Poet and Sadhak (1993)
Amal-Kiran: Poet and Critic (1994)
Perspectives of Savitri I (2000)
Perspectives of Savitri II (in the Press)
N.B. The Ancient Tale of Savitri
has been translated into Bengali, Marathi, Tamil, awaiting publication
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WWW: www.aurosoorya.com
E-mail: thefuture@aurosoorya.com
Aurosoorya is consecrated to the Vision and Work of The Mother
and Sri Aurobindo.
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