Recollections by Vishwajit Talukdar of his contact with The Mother & life in the Ashram
Excerpts have been selected from Vishwajit Talukdar's memoirs in bengali - Sadhu Sandhane and translated into English. These selections have been re-arranged in thematic chapters. The translator has added titles in certain places. Additionally, The Mother's words on Vishwajit, as recorded in Mother's Agenda, have also been included. The final compilation is presented here as "Recollections".
... I pondered about my next course of action. The option of returning home was ruled out. I could not think of a single place in the world where I would be welcome. My future was shrouded in deep uncertainty.
I had browsed an issue of the Bulletin from Sri Aurobindo Ashram a long time ago in the club at Berhampore. Those words and images floated up before my eyes. I decided to head for Pondicherry. The only apprehension was whether Pinu da (Pranab Kr. Bhattacharya) would recognize me now. After all, he had last seen me when I was much younger. Nonetheless I felt a call from Pondicherry inside me somewhere.
Since Pondicherry was French territory, one would need a passport to enter it. But getting a passport seemed an impossibility to me right then.
That night I boarded a train - "Bombay Mail". In the morning I reached Madras. The journey was uneventful. Yet an apprehension kept nagging me. If I was not accepted at Pondicherry, I had no other alternative to fall back upon. I invoked Ma Kali’s name and decided to continue on my path leaving the result to fate and Her will. At the station, on making enquiries, I learnt from a person that a train leaves for Pondicherry at night but buses are available during the day. I found the bus stand and ate something before boarding the bus. The bus raced towards Pondicherry. We made it to Chingalpet. There was a checkpost here where they would check the passport. All the passengers went through the Checkpost one by one. Then it was my turn. After examining my suitcase, they asked for my passport. I had no option but to tell them that I did not have one. They refused to let me proceed to Pondicherry without a passport. I would have to get one made in Madras. That might take a few days. I sat there silently. I was in no mood to go back to Madras. Random thoughts raced through my head. The officer at the checkpost left for his home after advising me to arrange for a passport in Madras. At about 3 in the afternoon, another officer arrived. I was the first person in the line. I told him that I had no passport. The officer kept staring at me for some time and then said: "Go. Go to Pondicherry". I boarded a bus to Pondicherry.
The closer we got to Pondicherry, the more nervous I felt. Eventually I reached Pondicherry. I hailed a rickshaw and asked to be taken to the "Ashram". The dim electric lights were flickering in the evening. There were few people around and the road itself was a track in the red soil. I got off at the Ashram main gate. The only person known to me there was Pranab Kumar Bhattacharya. The person on duty at the gate enquired if I had any "letter". I said, "No. I just wish to meet with Pranab Kumar Bhattacharya." The person immediately retorted that no one is allowed to enter the Ashram without a letter of reference. I repeated my request for permission to meet Pranab Kumar Bhattacharya. Now the person lost his temper. He started abusing me and asked me to leave. My anger was also rising and I felt the urge to teach him a lesson. Since he had only shown me discourtesy so far, I decided to give him a good punch and then take my leave. Just at that moment, a lady came out. She wanted to know the reason for this commotion at the gate. The person manning the gate explained the situation to her. For some reason unknown to me, the lady took me to the playground and assured me that she would arrange a meeting with Pranab.
I waited at the entrance of the playground. After a while, Pranab came out in red pants and a sando-genji (sleeveless vest). He wanted to know who I was. I identified myself as the brother of Tadit Talukdar. He could not recognise me. Still he said, "Come inside".
The moment we entered the playground, "meditation" started. There was utter silence all around for quite some time. Then Pranab-da took me to meet Sri Ma. At my first meeting, I just folded my hands and did a namaskar to Her, instead of doing a pranam at Her feet, which was the norm. This aroused strong feelings in the people around. Yet I was allowed to stay. I shared Pranab-da’s room that night.
I spent two days and nights in Pranab-da’s room. Pranab-da’s mother showered her affection on me and cooked various delicacies for me. I was accommodated in another place after this period.
On the second day, I had a fever at night. The high fever was accompanied with a splitting headache - the agony was unbearable. I was restless in agony. I had no desire for food. I wanted to drink water but was unable to. At that moment, Pranab-da arrived. He said I was being tested by Sri Ma. I asked him the reason for Sri Ma’s test. Eventually the night passed. When morning came, the fever, the headache and the agony just melted away. I did not have any fever after that. After taking a bath, I went upstairs to Sri Ma. Sri Ma gave me a mala.
...........
I was given the job of assisting Pranab-da. He spent most of his time in the service of Sri Ma...
Sri Ma would come down from Her room in the morning. The Ashramites would have their darshan and receive "flowers" as blessings from Her hands. Sri Ma then went to the Meditation room. I went to Her in the morning and then in the afternoon. After giving the Balcony Darshan, She would come inside. That was another opportunity for Her darshan. Sri Ma told us many stories. It was mostly Pavitra-da who was present during this time. Once She was brushing her hair whilst talking with us. She said, "I am losing all my hair". She then put the loose strands of her hair in my hand. When I threw it away, She said, "You threw it away?" I answered," What was I to do?" I was incapable of appreciating the worth of the hair then. I tried to find the strands of hair but they were probably blown away and nowhere to be found. I was feeling upset. Some said that ‘I was a fool’. Many other comments were made about me. But what was done could not be undone.
Mother would talk to me about many things. I listened carefully but some doubts lingered in my mind. Although I knew that our Mother was the Divine Mother, mental reservations remained on some matters. And then an event took place which made a believer out of me.The 2nd December program was organized in the playground. Once the practice sessions went on till very late. Everyone left for their homes after the session was over. What was I to do? I spent the night in the playground. In the morning, after freshening up I went to Sri Ma.
She immediately asked me, "Where were you last night?".
I said, "Why Mother?"
She said,"You were not in your room.You know that every night I visit each sadhak’s room to check on their state and solve their problems, if any. On visiting your room, I found you were not there."
I then explained everything to Her. I gained total faith in Sri Ma after this event. All my earlier doubts simply evaporated.
One day Sri Ma took me to Her room. She pointed out the places where the money and keys were kept. She asked me to let her know whenever I needed any money. I said, "Mother, what will I do with money?" Still She insisted on giving me money. Gradually She drew me very close to Her. She spoke to me about many things. I did not understand all of it. I found Her words on Yoga and sadhana especially difficult to grasp. But I could not summon the courage to ask for explanations then. Once Mother went into a trance whilst she was talking to me. Now I had the habit of standing on one leg when I was with Her. That day too I was standing on one leg when She went into a trance. I dared not make any noise for the fear of disturbing Her. I stood in the same position for almost an hour. The moment I moved, She came out of the trance and gave a beatific smile. She then laughed and said, "You were not here". I was confused. Was I not standing on one leg for almost an hour or so and yet Mother was saying "I was not here". I asked Her, "Where was I then, Mother?" She said, "I had wrapped you in a mist. I wanted to see if you could come out of it or not. I was waiting and once I saw you were gradually coming out of it, I was reassured.". I said," What does this mean, Mother?" She said, " I made an experiment. I gave a test and I am happy that you passed it". The Mother spoke to me a lot about Occult science - I understood some but not all of it.
I would go to Sri Ma at night. She would say," Go outside and take a look if anyone is around". I would take a good look around, then come back and report, "There is no one here, Mother". She would then talk to me about many things. I would be standing on one leg as was my wont. Sometimes Mother went into a trance. I would carefully maintain my position during such times so as not to disturb Her. She would come out of the trance with a soul-melting smile. I have seen this special smile only during such occasions. She would be as if re-energized from the meditation. Otherwise I would sometimes find Her somewhat tired. Mother would ask me to stand there. Then Sri Ma would bring me a glass of milk with almond & "pista" (pistachio). I would have to finish the glass in front of Her. After drinking the milk, I would want to take the glass to the washing area. But She would ask me for the empty glass. Like an automaton I would put the glass in Her hands. She would then give the glass to Ravindra.
In between I went to Mother in the afternoon as well. Sometimes She would give me sweets and sometimes flowers. Tara, Gauri, Parul, Rababala, Mrityunjoy da, Pavitra-da would also be there. Mother would take French classes for them where She Herself was the teacher. She would give dictation and then check the notebooks. I too would take part too although I had no knowledge of French. Sri Ma said, "Be attentive in the class. And gradually you will find that you have learnt French". Once my birthday coincided with Mother's French class. She asked me to make a wish. I said, "I would like to hear you play the Organ" Mother granted my wish. She played the organ. After this She would play the organ every Sunday. The audience started to grow in numbers. This continued for quite some time until one day it stopped.
Once I went to the Mother’s room at night. She asked me to have food. After the meal, She gave me two "rasogollas". After I had eaten them, She asked me if I wanted more. I said, "I could eat the entire bowl of rasogollas". Sri Ma was amazed at hearing this. I then ate quite a number of rasogollas. She asked me in a concerned tone, "Are you sure having so many rasogollas will not make you sick?" I said, "No Mother, I could eat even more". I used to work out daily for more than two hours during that time. Then I would also practice ‘kusti’ (wrestling) and boxing. I would work up a good appetite and I could eat a lot.
Let me recount an amusing incident. I had gone to Mother’s room at night and was waiting for Her. But She was late that day. Whilst waiting in Her room, I must have dozed off. Meanwhile, Sri Ma came back. She called out to me but I was in a deep sleep. She first gently caressed my hair but I did not wake up. She then started calling my name repeatedly until my sleep broke. I opened my eyes to see that Sri Ma was sitting in front of me trying to wake me up. I was speechless in embarrassment. Sri Ma just said in a normal tone, "Get up". It took me quite a while to come out of my embarrassed state. Eventually I could see the amusing side.
I had been in the Ashram for many years. Once I told Mother,"Ma I have a strong urge to go back to my native land for Durga Puja. But I will go only if you give me the permission."
Mother immediately asked, "You cannot see her in me?".
I said, "If that be the case, I will announce to everyone that they should all come here to see the living Goddess".
The Mother said firmly, "Never do such a thing. If you wish to see, then you alone will see."
I could not ask Her for it then. But that night, I dreamt of a Durga in white; even her lion was white. I was puzzled at the appearance of Durga in white. I felt as if Ma Durga was looking at me and laughing. I woke up after a while. I went to Mother next day and told her about the dream. She said,"So you saw her finally".
It is impossible to express in words the bliss I experienced.
Once Mother asked me,"How many brothers and sisters do you have?" I said, "We are eleven all together - six brothers and five sisters." The Mother smiled sweetly and said,"You can even form a football team by yourselves." I found Her remark amusing - we all had a hearty laugh.
I recall an incident. Sri Ma gave me a flower. She continued to give me the same flower every day. I noticed that others received different flowers from Her. I could not understand the reason. After a long time, I suddenly received another flower from Her. The matter remained a mystery to me. She Herself asked me one day, "Do you know why I gave you a different flower?" I said,"Mother, you gave me the same flower everyday but others received different flowers. I used to feel bad on this account." Sri Ma then explained, "The flower you receive depends on your inner state. Since I saw a change in you, I gave a corresponding flower. This is how I give flowers to others."
Pranab-da encouraged my interest in photography. I became competent in both still photography as well as photography of moving objects. Sri Ma played tennis during those days. I obtained Pranab-da’s permission to take Her photographs at the tennis court. After clicking many photographs, I was readying myself to take another shot. Mother would come towards me rapidly and then retrace her steps just as rapidly. By the time I could adjust the lens, She would be “out of focus”. Everyone around was laughing at my predicament. I understood that this was Her deliberate play. I finally managed to click one photograph.
I have photographed Mother in Her various modes of activity. I would follow Mother around and whenever an opportunity presented itself, I would take Her photograph. Of course, Pranab-da used to take Her photographs all the time.
Once my birthday was near. I wrote to Mother asking for Her permission : “Mother, I would like to photograph you on my birthday”. Mother replied,”Ok”. I took it as Her assent. I was filled with joy. I met Pranab-da and told him everything. Pranab-da advised me to carry the letter with me, when I went to Mother on my birthday.
On my birthday, I went to see Mother in the evening. A smile of indescribable sweetness played on the Mother’s lips. I felt as if I had become transparent before Her. I made my pranam at Her feet. She kept Her hands pressed on my head for quite some time. I stood up after a while and said,”Mother, I would like to take some photographs.” Mother said, “I do not allow anyone other than Pranab to take my photographs. You can photograph me when I am at the balcony.” I said, “Mother, but You had yourself granted me the permission earlier.” Mother said forcefully, “I do not give such a permission to anyone”. Then I said, “Mother, I had written a letter seeking your permission and you had said ok.” I quickly took out the letter and presented it before Her. After seeing the letter, She said, “Ok Vishwajit, you may take the photographs.”
The Mother sat there with one hand on her cheek - what a rare sight and I was blessed to capture it in my camera. I photographed Her in various poses. I sent the prints to Her later on. She really liked some of the photographs. I silently thanked Pranab-da for his timely advice without which I would have missed this blessing.
Some events have taken place in my life which defy explanation. I realised that these events gave a certain meaning to my life. I would have dreams at night which were more real than waking reality. Hence I would not get rest at night.This also affected my exercise routine. Sometimes I had to forego my exercise.These dreams were strange and would chase me even during the daytime. People who were no longer alive would come to me seeking help. They wanted to be liberated through Sri Ma's grace.
I have spoken to Sri Ma about this. She would do the needful for them. One such case was my father's. He had passed away a long time ago. He would come to me night after night and speak of many things, most of which I was unaware of, since I had left home at a young age. Once I wrote a letter to my brother with some intricate details. He was amazed and asked me how I had got this information. I shared with him where beings go after dying and what happens to them. I also revealed to him that this information was given to me by our father.
Once my father said, "I will have to be in this plane for a long time. Only you can request Sri Ma to help me get across." The next day I met Sri Ma and told her everything. She wanted to know everything about my father. After quite some time, my father came to me and said, "I am free now". I never saw him again after this.
The 'tantrik', with whom I had a close association during my younger days, suddenly appeared in my dream one night. I had kept no contact with him ever since I left Berhampore. In the dream, he demanded, "Come with me to the himalayas". I refused but he insisted on taking me by force. My whole body was as if turned to stone. I could not move. I was struggling to free myself. Something from inside prompted me to take refuge in Sri Ma. My faith in Sri Ma was still not strong enough. But out of fear, I cried out, "Ma, Ma".
I saw that the 'tantrik' had lifted the mosquito-net and was calling me. Suddenly he left the room. I looked and found that the door downstairs was open.
Behari babu was my neighbour. The next morning he asked me, "Who were you talking with last night?" I narrated my dream to him. Then I narrated it to Dada as well. Dada went and informed Sri Ma. Sri Ma spoke about the matter with Sri Aurobindo.
I then came to know that the 'tantrik' had died. He had made a grave mistake. Later on the same 'tantrik' appeared in my dream and said,"I am begging Sri Ma. I want to be freed". Sri Ma did the needful.
I felt as if this was my life's mission - to be of assistance to such beings.
There was a young boy in the Ashram. He was a good boy. He had gone on an outing with his brother and met with an accident. He was knocked over by a 'lorry'. Although he survived, his condition was not good. His name was Indra. He appeared in my dream on the second day and said that it would not be possible to return to his body. He wanted Sri Ma to make some arrangement for him. I informed Mother. After listening to my words, Sri Ma taught me something and asked me to practise it diligently every night without a break. I followed her instructions and practised it every night before going to bed for many days. Meanwhile, Mother asked me, "Have you seen anything?" I replied, "No, nothing as yet". Mother said, "Continue the practice as per my earlier instructions"
I followed Mother's command and continued as before. One day, Indra came to me and said, "Please implore Sri Ma on my behalf". The next day, when I informed Mother, She was very happy and said, "You have done something remarkable".
Also read The Mother's reference to this incident
After this incident, Mother gave me similar work and said, "Practise sincerely every night. You have to complete this work." Mother's command was clear and inviolable. I carried out the instructions diligently.
After a couple of days, I had the next visitor - a muni. I recognised him and asked, "What do you want?" He wanted to be reborn and sought Sri Ma's help. He had come to me with this purpose.
Gradually the matter became clear to me. The next day, I went to Mother and said, "I have started having these kinds of dreams." Mother said,"This is what I had wanted. It is very good that you have developed this ability. But do not tell anyone else about it."
.... These things are very interesting. They must form part of the work I have come on earth to do. Because even before encountering Theon, before knowing anything, I had experiences at night, certain types of activities looking after people who were leaving their bodies—and with a knowledge of the process; I didn't know what I was doing nor did I seek to know, yet I knew exactly what had to be done and I did it. I was around twenty.
As soon as I came upon Theon's teaching (even before meeting him personally), and read and understood all kinds of things which I hadn't known before, I began to work quite systematically. Every night, at the same hour, I was working to construct—between the purely terrestrial atmosphere and the psychic atmosphere—a path of protection across the vital, so that people wouldn't have to pass through it (for those who are conscious but without knowledge it's a very difficult passage—infernal.) I was preparing this path, doing this work (it must have been around 1903 or 1904, I don't remember exactly) for months and months and months. All sorts of extraordinary things happened during that time—extraordinary. I could tell long stories....
Then, when I went to Tlemcen, I told Madame Theon about it. 'Yes,' she told me, 'it is part of the work you have come on earth to do. Everyone with even a slightly awakened psychic being who can see your Light will go to your Light at the moment of dying, no matter where they die, and you will help them to pass through.' And this work is constant. Constant. It has given me a considerable number of experiences concerning what happens to people when they leave their bodies. I've had all sorts of experiences, all kinds of examples—it's really very interesting.
Lately it has increased, become more precise.
There is a boy here, Vishwajit, who is especially interested in what happens at the moment of death (this seems to be one reason why he has reincarnated). He's a conscious boy, a remarkable clairvoyant, and he has a power. And we have had (how to put it?) some quite interesting correlations of experiences concerning people who pass away here. Extremely interesting and extraordinarily precise: he sends word to me, I reply, and at night when the disincarnated person comes he says, 'Mother has done this and says to do that,' and the person does it. And we don't need to speak—such precision!
This happens in sleep?
He might do this work in sleep, or sometimes in meditation, or in a kind of trance he enters into—it depends on the case.
I will give you a concrete example, then you'll understand. When Indra B. was killed, I had to gather up all his states of being and activities, which had been dispersed by the violence of the accident2—it was terrible, he was in a dreadful state of dispersion. For two or two and a half days the doctors fought in the hope of reviving him, but it was impossible. During those two days I gathered up all his consciousness, all of it; I collected it over his body, to the point where, when it had come and formed itself there, such vitality, such life was coming back into his body that after some hours the doctors believed he would be saved. But it couldn't last (it wasn't possible—a part of the brain had come out). Well, when not only his soul but his mental being, his vital being, and all the rest had been properly collected and organized over his body and had realized that the body had become quite unusable, it was over—they gave up the body and it was over.
I was keeping Indra B. near me because I already had the idea of putting him immediately back into another body—his soul was not satisfied, it had not finished its experience (there was a whole combination of circumstances) and it wanted to continue to live on earth. Then, that night, his inner being went to find Vishwajit, lamenting, saying he was dead and hadn't wanted to die, that he had lost his body and wanted to continue to live. Vishwajit was very perplexed. He let me know about it in the morning: 'Here's what has happened.' I sent word to him of what I was doing, that I was keeping Indra B. in my atmosphere and that he should stay very calm and not get excited, for I was going to put him back into a body as soon as possible—I already had something in view. The same evening Indra B. again went to find Vishwajit, with the same complaint. Vishwajit told him very clearly, 'Here is what Mother says, here is what she is going to do; come now, be calm and don't torment yourself.' And he saw in Indra B.'s face that he had understood (the inner being was taking on Indra B.'s physical appearance, naturally); his face relaxed, he became content.
He went away and he never came back. That is, he stayed tranquilly with me, until I was able to put him into C'.s child.
This correlation in the work is very interesting because it has quite practical effects—Vishwajit was able to communicate exactly what I had to say to Indra B., and Indra B. understood better through him than through me directly (because I do the work, but don't have time to deal with all the details, to tell each individual what to do).
I was telling you the other day how vexing it is that we are all on different planes all the time, but on that particular plane it works very well with this boy—on this one point, this tiny, precise point concerning the moment of leaving the body. We can do interesting work this way....
Mother's Agenda > 24.Jun.1961
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