Read Jayantilal's correspondence with The Mother - from the period spanning 1936-1970
The Mother : correspondence
THEME/S
Born on 21 June 1913, the Gujarati disciple Jayantilal Parekh joined the Ashram on 28 December 1938 at the age of twenty-five. A talented artist, he made hundreds of paintings and drawings under the Mother's guidance during his first decade in the Ashram. Then for most of the next fifty years he worked at the Ashram Press. In the early 1970s he organised the publication of the thirty-volume Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, and in 1973 he founded the Ashram Archives and Research Library. He lived for sixty years in the Ashram, until his passing on 26 January 1999 at the age of eighty-five.
Jayantilal's correspondence with the Mother covers the period from 1936 to 1970.
Mother,
I am sending you some art books for your opinion. I want to know your opinion about Cezanne and Van Gogh because they are praised so much by modern critics, especially Cezanne. One very good English critic, Roger Fry, calls him a divine artist, meaning perfect in some of his works.
The pictures by Cezanne and Van Gogh in the books you have sent are very beautiful (especially those of Cezanne). I shall return the books in one or two days—I want to look at them carefully.
12 March 1936
Such people are capable of turning towards the spiritual life; but their path is never without danger.
What you seek is always there ready for you. Let the psychic turn grow complete and it will of itself bring you to that for which you aspire.
My love and blessings
15 February 1939
What is the rationale of Divine Grace? Is not the Supreme Mother always ready with Her Grace for those who can call it down?
Yes.
Is it not true that most of the seekers after God cannot call the Divine Grace down, and yet they can receive it if someone, a guru or avatar, has once called it down within him?
Can we conclude that the Divine Grace works best when it is established in the earth consciousness? Is it the aim of your endeavour to establish it permanently?
Please explain to me the whole principle.
The Divine Grace cannot be explained through words and mental formulas.
Blessings
7 April 1939
If you feel no true urge to paint, I see no necessity of your painting.
c. April 1939
For some time I have been feeling that I ought to concentrate on some work. I feel like drawing and painting, so I have decided to devote some time daily to this work. The rest of the time I intend to devote to study. I will be always prepared to do whatever work you give me.
The drawing you sent is very nice. It is good that you have taken up again drawing and painting. If ever I need you for some work I will tell you.
12 May 1939
You can go to the lake. I like your sketches very much, some of them are extremely nice.
If I forget, remind me this afternoon of the pocket money.
1 June 1939
Jayanti,
Your way of approaching art is the right one and if you continue, keeping an absolute sincerity in your attitude and your attempt, you are bound to succeed.
There is something correct in your appreciation of oriental art, but it is incomplete. However we shall leave the subject for the moment, for I have no time to explain all that just now. As for Leonard de Vinci, Michel Ange and Raphael, I cannot put them on the same level. The two first are far greater than the last. They both belong to the world of creative force, Leonard with more subtlety and quiet, deep vision and purity, Michel Ange with more force and power especially in his sculptures which are incomparably magnificent. Raphael is more mental and superficial.
30 June 1939
Last night when I was about to sleep, my body from the heart above was filled up by some energy. I did not do anything but just observed. It lasted for only a few seconds. Two or three times it has happened to me and on the previous occasions it lasted for some minutes. I would like to know what this is. Is it an experience of the Kundalini Shakti? What is the best attitude to be adopted when under such pressure?
The best attitude is to be quiet and calm, and let the experience follow its course, observing it without thinking about it.
4 July 1939
S told me that you have given permission for the decoration of the meditation hall. I had intended to decorate only the room where you used to sit for Pranam, but I heard that you would like the whole hall and the area up the staircase to be done. This is a very big scheme. But K also intends to do the work and, if asked, S may join.
What I wish to tell you is this: to make the work harmonious and quiet, only one person should design the whole thing, and all others should work in the same manner. I would like to know if you have any subject in mind and how the thing should be done.
I agree that one person alone must design the whole thing, the others can join in the execution only.
I have no subject or scheme. I only wish that the decoration should be quiet from the point of colour and also of composition.
Do some sketches and projects, and send them to me.
31 July 1939
Would it be good for me to devote more time to meditation than I am giving at present. I spend about two hours, morning and evening together. I am as yet not quite successful in meditation. My physical mind disturbs me a lot. It is so painful to find the mind working like a mad machine and the heart sleeping like a stone. Mother, let me feel your presence within my heart always.
The increase of time given to meditation is not very useful unless the urge for meditating comes spontaneously from inside and not from any arbitrary decision of the mind.
My help, love and blessings are always with you.
17 October 1939
Mother
The house I have taken up for my people belonged to a T.B. patient. I came to know this only after I had already paid for the house. But then we got the whole house washed and burnt sulphur in some rooms. In any case the thought that a T.B. patient lived here does not trouble me because he went away nearly six months back. But as some people have come to know about it and the suggestion of disease has been thrown out, I pray to you for the protection of those who will stay there.
As the house has been thoroughly cleaned and disinfected, there is no danger at all. People need not fear.
My blessings
19 February 1940
I wish to devote my time to decoration work, but before that I want to have a clear vision of the theme. Can you tell me how to meditate upon it? Who are the angels? What is their function in the cosmos? How can one come in contact with them? Are there books which can give a starting point?
Your questions are impossible to answer in brief.
I know no books that say anything of value on the subject
2 June 1940
I think it is better if you concentrate on painting only as you have already made some good progress on that line.
If you do not like the atmosphere created by taking food with others I do not see why you should do it.
With my love and blessings
13 September 1940
My parents very often ask me to keep a few rupees for pocket money, but I have been refusing it because I did not want them to feel that I suffer here for want of anything. Do you think it desirable for me to keep a few rupees for some small expenses?
You can keep a few rupees as pocket money.
25 September 1940
It seems that Dr. A has expressed his desire to take the painters of the Ashram to Gingee fort. I wish to let you know that I am not anxious to go; it is not with me a desire. I always wish to do what pleases you and so I kindly seek your advice. I wish you to express your opinion without reserve or hesitation. It is with me a greater pleasure to fulfil your wish and follow your words than to satisfy a desire.
It is better not to go; this kind of trip is not very wholesome for spiritual life.
24 December 1940
At times I seriously think about what my being wants. Why do I not feel the sense of a real being which has the delight of being and becoming? Why do I not feel any real interest in any creative activity? At times I feel an urge of the heart to seize something which can really satisfy my self, but the urge does not last long. What do you think my real being wants?
THE DIVINE.
I also feel that you are not quite satisfied with me.
Nothing of the kind. Each one has his difficulties and I am here to help him out of them.
25 February 1942
Perhaps you have not found time to answer my letter. There was something in your look which I could not fathom today; it looked like a rebuke. If it is so, I do not know what the reason can be.
Nothing of a rebuke. I had sent what I considered as the most important answer through N and I expected you to acknowledge it—hence my look.
I may add that in all human relations there is always such a coating of vital attractions and impulses over what can be hidden there of a psychic movement that one is never too much on one's guard.
11 January 1944
For the last three days 1 have not been able to read the expression in your eyes when I come for Pranam. I feel you are displeased with me. I may be wrong, but if there is anything I wish you to tell me.
I am not aware of any change in my attitude towards you and also there is no reason for a change. The only thing I see is that I was thinking of S when you came and I was wondering how far you are informed of the state of affairs. As for being displeased with you, there is no sign of it anywhere and I can safely say that I am not displeased.
5 September 1945
My father wishes me to go and see him for a few days. He is an invalid and cannot leave his bed. Both his legs have become stiff and gradually the hands are also becoming like that. I have an idea that he may live only a few months more. In my mother's case too I have a strong feeling of her coming death. I am very grateful to my father. He has proved an ideal father for me. He has given me the best of everything and has asked for nothing in return.
When I came to you, I had the idea that I would see my parents once before they pass away and that too to satisfy them. I am neither desirous nor anxious nor would anybody question me if I did not go, but this idea propels me. I will be very happy to do your wish.
You can go to see your father—but I would like you to go only when the school closes, that is to say after the 2nd of December, and come back before the first of January when the school reopens—as the lessons must not be neglected.
c. 1946
My dear Mother,
I feel I have displeased you. I am very sorry for whatever may be the reason for it. I am feeling very bad about it. I hardly need to tell you about my growing affection for you.
My dear child,
Don't feel bad and don't worry—I am not at all displeased. Others may have been a little upset by what seems to be a somewhat light talk, but I do not hold you responsible for it. It has become a habit in the Ashram to speak lightly and inconsiderately of many things that are beyond the usual understanding of people. It would need a great strength and endurance to resist successfully this influence. However I have hope that this strength and endurance will grow in all those of goodwill. Meanwhile my love and blessings are with all.
Be sure that I am quite aware of the growing love and devotion in you and they meet with the full response they can duly expect.
22 September 1947
I have come to a point when I do not seem to understand anything. I do not lack understanding in terms of words. What I lack is a sense of Reality, a force of Being and a direction. It is not at all a happy state of affairs.
You told me all that last night between 10 and 11, and as you were somewhat restless, I told you, "First of all you must be quiet." The whole thing was very vivid and I appreciate the power of your thought—but I insist on the necessity of being calm and quiet. It is indispensable.
With love and blessings
21 June 1962
R says he does not know anyone who can do the exhibition work. He wishes to send out a notice informing the exhibitors that the exhibition will not be held.
I am very sorry for it.
It is a defeat of the will, much more than of the circumstances and it throws discredit on the Ashram.
14 February 1963
May the Divine Mother give me the necessary force so that the following prayer of mine may become effective.
As a son of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, my greatest interest is in Truth. Let not the mountain of pride hidden in my nature distort in any way the movements of this Truth—the Glorious Sun. Lift me above smallness.
Do not let the view of the part hide the perception of the whole, and the details of one step obstruct the concentration on the Goal.
14 May 1963
The world being what it is, we have to work under the existing conditions. Why not use the available conditions, gather strength and then endeavour to manifest the Divine Will in its purity?
But the very fact of living upon earth means that we "are using the available conditions", otherwise it would be impossible to live.
18 March 1965
Here are some of the painting proofs received from Calcutta. They are not very good. I am asking for some corrections to be made. A few more paintings are left to be sent to Calcutta. Can I ask P to carry them?
These proofs are not good. Why do you want them to do some more? They are simply spoiling the work and it is a big loss of time and money. Almost all of these pictures are unusable as they are and have to be remade.
I cannot agree to your giving them any more work to do. Blessings
12 January 1966
I have been feeling for quite some time that I should limit my outward activity and confine myself to quiet work where I do not have to do so much running about.
I am facing some kind of inner crisis. My life is becoming aimless. A persistent dream warns me of my inner instability. It is an urgent necessity that I should achieve some inner poise and stability. The obscurity and heavy inertia should diminish.
If the Mother would permit me, I would like to be free from Press work. However I shall do as the Mother directs me. Kindly guide me.
If you leave the Press, the work will be ruined! As soon as I have a moment free I shall call you in the morning and we shall talk it over.
The more I go, the more I know that it is in work that Sri Aurobindo's integral yoga is best done.
Love and blessings
9 October 1966
My mind is greatly perplexed; I do not know where I stand. The work we have taken up is huge, the commitments are many. What I have to do is not clear from outside or within. Every day the decisions are altered, new questions posed, the ego confronted with unacceptable situations.
I pray to the Mother that I may be released from the Press work till such time as I have some clear guidance or the Mother's definite directions as to the work I have to do.
This is a personal crisis. I have no quarrels or complaints about people. I wish to keep my mouth closed and wait and learn to read the message of light that should appear before me. I pray for the Mother's light.
It would be so good if you were not affected and continued the work just now that there is so much to do and the help of all is so badly needed.
If you want to see me, I shall be glad to see you, but you know that I am never alone and it is difficult to speak.
In any case, be sure that my love and blessings are with you always.
7 August 1969
I am facing a personal problem and I pray for the Mother's guidance. As yet, I do not have any sense of inner guidance. My days are not well spent. I am sticking on with the centenary work although I often feel I am not wanted or trusted, but I do not wish to be guided by any ordinary thought or feeling. I crave for isolation at times. I pray that I may have a surer feeling that I am doing what my Master wishes of me. Let my personal likes, dislikes and egoism not tarnish the purity of action or word. "Mother" has been my mantra and I take refuge in Her.
You are not only wanted but indispensable for the centenary work which would not be done properly without you. So I ask you to be patient and not to attach importance to the difficulties on the way.
3 May 1970
I feel very sorry that I have created the impression that I am pulling at money and diverting it from where it should go—the Mother. My attitude is that all wealth belongs to the Mother and we must use it as directed by Her. Wherever I have a say I do this, and I feel sorry that I have created the opposite impression. I write this to take a certain burden off my mind.
I do not know who has spread this rumour, but I can assure you that I know it is not true. So, do not worry and let peace settle in your heart.
With my blessings
Undated
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