Flame of Love

Part 2

Memories of Bansidhar

Painting given by the Mother to Bansidhar on

his birthday, 21 February 1949

Like a flame that burns in silence, like a perfume that rises straight upward without wavering , my love goes to Thee; and like the child who does not reason and has no care, I trust myself to Thee that Thy Will may be done, that Thy Light may manifest, Thy Peace radiate, Thy Love cover the world. When Thou wiliest I shall be in Thee, Thyself, and there shall be no more any distinction; I await that blessed hour without impatience of any kind, letting myself flow irresistibly toward it as a peaceful stream flows toward the boundless ocean.

Thy Peace is in me, and in that Peace I see Thee alone present in everything, with the calm of Eternity.

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My Early Golden Days*

My father was a Purani, a Brahmin whose profession was to read from the Puranas, our mythological scriptures and teach them to others. In the evenings, after our supper, we used to sit in the verandah of our house. My elder brother and I had to recite the multiplication table as was our custom. After that ritual was over, my father related to us stories from the Puranas. Thus I got acquainted with the stories from the Mahabharata and the Ramayana. Of all the stories that I listened to, I liked most the stories of Dhruva and Prahlad, and so like them I aspired to have the realisation of God.

When I was studying at the school my thoughts often turned to Dhruva and Prahlad. I wondered about their not being educated and yet having realisation of God. I also believed that all studies were of no use, unless one could realise God. The only Truth seemed to lie there.

When I was young, I was aware that one of my elder brothers, Champaklal, lived at Pondicherry with Sri Aurobindo. As I grew up a little more and went to High School, I could clearly understand that my brother Champaklal, living at Pondicherry with Sri Aurobindo, was pursuing Yoga Sadhana for the realisation of God. About the time, I learned that my elder brother Kantilal and my aunt (Father's sister) Motiben were to go to Pondicherry. Since I was attending school, I was unable to express my

* Bansidhar's own reminiscences. Bansidhar was Champaklal's youngest brother. Born on 21 January 1908 at Patan, Gujarat, he left his physical body on 25 September 2005.

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wish to go to Pondicherry! After about six months, a man named Vadilal, who was a close friend of my elder brother Sunderlal, came to our place from Bombay. Vadilalbhai had a great affection for me. I told him that I wanted to go to Bombay with him and asked him whether he would take me there with him. He said it would be his pleasure to do so.

After getting things arranged for going to Bombay, I had to obtain permission to do so from my parents. I was. the youngest of four brothers and they all had a great affection for me. Since I was the pet child, everyone wanted to keep me happy. This is why I got the permission to go to Bombay. I did reach Bombay, but my main interest lay in going to Pondicherry. So I immediately wrote to my brother Kantilal about my wish to go to Pondicherry. I got the permission and arrived at Pondicherry on 8 November 1927.

During those days the Mother used to call a few sadhaks to the Prosperity room for meditation. After the meditation was over she passed through Champaklal's room on the way to her room upstairs. So I had a Darshan of the Mother on the very day of my arrival in Champaklal's room. I saw in her the form of the Divine Mother. I was greatly delighted.

During those days the Mother, Champaklal and about three or four sadhaks used to stroll on the terrace during the early morning hours. After moving about a bit, Haradhan used to blow his conch as a signal to the sadhaks living in the houses around that the Mother had come downstairs and it was meditation time. In the beginning I

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had no permission to participate in the meditation session. So, after offering my pranams to the Mother, having her Darshan and receiving a flower from her, I used to return to my room. After a few days Champaklal told me that Sri Aurobindo would give his Darshan for the first time on the 24th of November and the Mother had given her permission for me to stay till then.

At that time there were about thirty to thirty-five sadhaks in the Ashram. All the names were listed and each one had to go for Darshan in his turn. Everyone was told not to take more than five minutes for the Darshan. A copy of the list of the sadhaks was kept with Sri Aurobindo, so that he knew who would come in what order for the Darshan.

Some days after the Darshan, Champaklal told me that I had to go back home. I broke into tears at this news. Champaklal told the Mother about this. Hearing about my crying the Mother gave her permission for me to stay on and also to work with Champaklal in the mornings and with Kantibhai in the arden in the evenings.

I was very delighted at the good fortune of getting permission to stay and having been allotted work. But my human nature raised its head after a few months! I did like the work in the garden, but questions arose in my mind: "Even after coming to the Ashram, only this work of watering the trees in the garden has been given to me! Would it not be better to render some personal service to the Mother? It would be the fulfilment of my dreams if I could do some personal work for the Mother." Somehow, either as a result of my aspiration or the Grace of the

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Mother, there arose a vacancy. Haradhan,* who was working in Mother's room and her bathroom, went back to Bengal. Through the Grace of the Mother Kantibhai got to work in the bathroom and I was given work in the Mother's room. Thus the Mother fulfilled my wish.

There are many other incidents of the Mother fulfilling my wishes. Do you want to know how some of my wishes were fulfilled by the Mother? I will give a few instances. I wanted very much to offer flowers to the Mother. How did this come to be arranged? I used to stand in Champaklal's room when the Mother returned from the Prosperity to her room via his room. Well, one day I was standing there and when she passed through the room I started offering flowers to the Mother. She accepted them with great love and the practice continued from that day.

Again, I had a great desire to work for Sri Aurobindo. The Mother used to distribute soup to all the sadhaks in the evening. Sri Aurobindo also took soup in his room. This soup was being prepared by Champaklal, but the work of cleaning and cutting the vegetables for making the soup for Sri Aurobindo was given to me. I may mention that the vegetables cooked for Sri Aurobindo and the sadhaks were purchased from Madras. Cabbage, leek, celery and carrots were being received in a parcel from Madras. A bill also came along with the parcel. I used to check the bill.

* Haradhan Bakshi from Chandemagore (Bengal) first came to Pondicherry for a short visit in 1916. He was a soldier in the First World War (1914-1918). He settled in the Ashram on 30 December 1930. (See Mother India, 1996, "Haradhan-da", pp. 55-59.)

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Now there was a shop here where the shopkeeper used get all his vegetables from Bangalore. I found that the cabbages from Bangalore were cheaper than the cabbages from Madras. I told this to the Mother. Afterwards, under her instructions I used to go to the local bazaar every week and purchase all the vegetables needed. The vegetables were shown to the Mother, who examined them with great interest. The payment was done by Dyuman.

I was very fond of taking a long walk every day. I used to go for a walk every evening. Even while walking I continuously remembered the Mother. I considered this a part of my sadhana. Once when I was just starting for a walk, the Mother's car came from behind. The Mother saw me, and had the car stopped. I offered my Pranams to her. She asked me where I was going. "For a walk," I replied, and told her where. The Mother told Champaklal that I was going rather a very long distance for a walk. I then offered some flowers to the Mother. Seeing the flowers the Mother asked me "Do you want all this?" I nodded in assent. The Mother told me "I will give you all this but not the flowers." I understood with my modest intelligence that the Mother would give me all that was signified by the flowers but not the flowers themselves. I was greatly delighted.

In those days unlike now, the Ashram was under financial stringency. There were some difficulties on that account. I wondered how I could be of help to the Ashram in this matter. During those days all the sadhaks had alarm clocks. When anything went wrong with them, they were sent to the bazaar for repair. I felt that if I learned watch

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repairing, I could be useful to the Ashram. I told this to the Mother. She then spoke to Amrita who arranged for me to learn watch-repairing from a watch repairer in the bazaar. After that, all the watch repairs in the Ashram were done by me. The Mother got repairing tools from France for my use. Now, of course, this work is being done by other sadhaks.

As mentioned, after Haradhan left for Bengal, I was given work in the Mother's room. I was doing the work with great joy. A few days after starting to work, a significant event took place. As you know, biscuit boxes are wrapped in special paper to prevent moisture from creeping in and also to give the box a good appearance. One day, such a piece of wrapping paper was lying on the Mother's table. The paper had not been folded, but simply kept there after removing it from the box. While cleaning the room, I thought, "What is the use of keeping such paper? The Mother has many other better papers." So I threw the paper into the wastepaper basket. In those days the Mother used to see some sadhaks in the mornings, in the Darshan Room. When she returned from the Darshan Room and asked me about that piece of paper, I told her that I had thrown it into the wastepaper basket. Hearing this the Mother got displeased, almost like Kali. She told me, "If it has to be thrown away, I know where to throw it and when to throw it away." I felt very sad, and even started crying. But that is how I learnt that however useless a thing might seem, it should not be thrown away. There is always a use for it somewhere.

While I was working for the Mother in her room, a lady

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named Datta,* who had come with the Mother from Europe, was working in her dressing room. Once Datta fell sick, so the Mother entrusted her work to me. I was very happy and started doing the work with enthusiasm.

There is a kind of bottle in which the base is not attached to the cover. I had never seen such a bottle. Once I picked up one of these bottles and the cover remained in my hand while the big bottle fell down and broke into pieces. The bottle contained perfume imported from France, which spilled all over the place. The whole room was filled with the scent of the perfume. The Mother was giving Darshan to the sadhaks in the adjacent room. I was afraid that if the Mother would get annoyed like the wrathful Kali for throwing away a piece of paper, what would happen to me now? I got very depressed, took out my handkerchief and wiped away the traces of the scent as far as I could. But the scent must have reached the Mother, and soon she came. She asked me, "What happened?" I told her quite candidly. She replied, "Doesn't matter — nothing to worry about; sometimes these things happen while working." The Mother gave me a beautiful Maha-laxmi smile and left the place. She didn't simply go away, but sent a message through Champaklal saying, "Tell Bansidhar not to worry. At times such things can happen

* Datta (Entirely self-given), is the name given by Sri Aurobindo to Dorothy Hodgson, an Englishwoman. Even in Europe she was a companion to the Mother and travelled with her to several countries including Japan. The Mother once remarked, "The very sight of this lady was indeed a pleasure; she seemed to us a pure white flower consecrated to the Divine."

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in the course of the work." What a Grace! She had already told me not to worry and then she conveyed the same message through Champaklal. My devotion for the Mother increased tremendously and I got a firm belief in her being the Divine Mother.

In those days no question arose about how many hours' work one was doing. Only one aim — to do as much work as possible. The whole day passed doing something or the other. Not only me but all the sadhaks were interested in doing as much work as we could for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. One did not know how the day passed. While doing the work, numerous occasions arose for meeting the Mother. In the early morning the Mother herself served us breakfast, so even at that time we had her Darshan. Then I had Darshan when I went to her room for work. Then at about four in the afternoon when the Mother went for a drive in her car, we had her Darshan. When she returned from her drive, there was yet another occasion for her Darshan. But I couldn't be present then, because the time of her return varied and I had to go for work in the garden. Of course, the garden was very near. It was situated at the Atelier where the cars are kept and repaired at present. The first to work in that garden was Champaklal. At that time the garden had great importance because the sadhaks who went for Darshan of the Mother took flowers from there. Also the Mother used to distribute flowers to the sadhaks after the meditation. She had given significances to the various flowers; so the sadhaks were interested in receiving them. Every Sadhak usually got a particular flower, but sometimes she gave the same kind of flower to all. To

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me she gave the flower named "Disinterested work" almost every time.

By the Mother's Grace and Champaklal's help I had the opportunity of doing another satisfying work. I was given the work of cleaning the dishes used by the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. Sri Aurobindo used to take tea at night and I would collect the dishes sometime in the morning. Motiben prepared pancakes (malpuwa) for Sri Aurobindo for taking with his tea. The dishes sent by Motiben included the bowl in which he used to keep a portion of the pancakes for us as Prasad. Motiben cut the pancakes into small pieces so we could all receive a small share of the Prasad.

I may say something more about the Prasad. In those days Sri Aurobindo's younger brother Barin-da* used to cook for him. After Sri Aurobindo had his lunch, the leftovers were brought downstairs. From them Barin-da used to take a portion and the rest was sent to Haradhan as Prasad. Haradhan used to stay in the room where Madhav Pandit's books are displayed at present. Haradhan would distribute what he received as Prasad to a few sadhaks who would gather in his room to receive it. One Bengali sadhak used to send cooked food for Sri Aurobindo. Sometimes my brother Kantibhai and I would also lend our hand in preparing it. Dara** has taken photographs of that

* Barindra Kumar Ghose, Sri Aurobindo's younger brother. Sentenced to imprisonment in the Alipore Bomb Case in 1908, he was released from the Andamans in 1920. He came to stay in Pondicherry in 1923 and remained until 25 December 1929.

** Dara is the name given by Sri Aurobindo to Aga Syed Ibrahim from Hyderabad. From a well-to-do Arab Muslim family, he joined the Ashram in 1927.

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occassion. He gave me some. He was fond of photography and cooking. When it pleased him, Dara also did some cooking himself. He always prepared something new. Those days were feast days for the sadhaks of the Ashram. He was always very generous and jolly. He was a permanent sadhak of the Ashram.

My brother Champaklal had great love for me. I have been deeply benefited by his good feelings towards me. He used to prepare orange juice for Sri Aurobindo and on many occasions he let me carry that juice to Sri Aurobindo. I cherish those invaluable moments of my life. Champaklal used to prepare tea for Sri Aurobindo and took it himself to the Mother, who then gave it to Sri Aurobindo. After some time this privilege was given to me. I had to prepare the tea by 8.00 in the evening. When I opened the door of the passage, the Mother used to come there and take the tea pot from me. Sri Aurobindo added sugar and milk before drinking it. At night he used to write replies to the letters sent by sadhaks and then he took his tea. I believe the tea used at that time was Chinese because it came in Chinese boxes; later on it was the turn of the Indian tea. In the morning I would bring back the tea-pot with the dishes to be used for breakfast.

It was Nolini-da who often returned the letters of the sadhaks with Sri Aurobindo's replies. But there was an exception. Dyuman used to send his notebook to Sri Aurobindo regularly in the evening. After Sri Aurobindo had seen and recorded his remarks, this note-book would be kept on the breakfast tray, and I took it back to Dyuman.

Hutaben used to write letters to the Mother and most

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of the replies were sent back through Champaklal. Later on, after consulting the Mother the replies were given to me for handing over to Hutaben, which I did. In this way, when replies were written by the Mother, the letters were given to me for handing over to the concerned persons. When I went to the sadhaks with the divine letters, they sometimes insisted on my taking refreshments which I politely but firmly declined. Champaklal told the Mother about this and the Mother was glad to take note of it. Perhaps this is why the work remained with me for a long time.

I have already said earlier that I was fond of going for a walk. Once when I went for a walk it started raining. I should have returned, but I did not. Due to the cold at night and the rain, I caught fever. Champaklal informed the Mother. She said, "Those who are working here for the Divine have no right to fall sick." Fortunately I got well in a few days and resumed my work.

I would like to say what a pleasure it was to do the Mother's work during those times. I used to love to play tennis. I would go to play tennis daily. One day Champaklal told me that when the Mother sees sadhaks in the morning, I should sit on the terrace and send the sadhaks to the Mother in the order of the list he gave me each day. In spite of my interest in tennis I gave it up with pleasure and, so long as the Mother continued the routine of seeing the sadhaks in this way, I sat each morning on the terrace and sent the sadhaks to her.

I have mentioned that Champaklal had great affection for me and I have been greatly benefited as a result.

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Whenever Champaklal had any work for Sri Aurobindo or the Mother, he would entrust it to me rather than to someone else. Champaklal used to carry hot water for Sri Aurobindo's bath. After Sri Aurobindo's accident, Champaklal entrusted that work to me. I had to carry two big buckets of water upstairs from the boiler room. I wonder now sometimes, how I could carry two big buckets and climb all those steps. I guess it was because I had great enthusiasm for the work. It gave me the opportunity of having Darshan of Sri Aurobindo when I reached his room with the buckets. Sri Aurobindo used to give me a smile then and also when I returned for the buckets. At that time Sri Aurobindo was engrossed in writing Savitri and still he would spare a moment to smile at me. This gave me immense joy.

Did I have the opportunity to listen to Sri Aurobindo's voice? Yes, many times. Champaklal used to wind the clock in his room before I had learned watch-repairing work. But after I learned watch-repairing that work was entrusted to me. The clock stood at some distance from where Sri Aurobindo used to sit and he couldn't see the dial clearly during later years. So very often he would ask me the exact time. There was a radio installed in Pavitra's room during the War so that Sri Aurobindo could listen to it. Sometimes he would ask me to switch it on for him.

The photographs of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother that we see these days were the result of Champaklal's efforts. Somehow or other he succeeded in getting permission from the Mother. He also got permission to make copies of the photographs. The Mother refused to give her permission

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to make copies of her photographs. At first Champaklal got her permission to make copies on the condition that the photographer should do no retouching work on them. Champaklal told the Mother that the photographer would prepare two copies of each of the photographs, one without retouching and the other with it. The Mother agreed. I had two copies made by the photographer Latour, a devotee of the Mother, who lived in the town. Latour worked a great deal on Sri Aurobindo's photograph, carefully retouching one copy but not the other. Champaklal showed both copies to the Mother. The Mother looked closely at the retouched photo and observed, "I am seeing such work done in India for the first time." The Mother appreciated that photograph very much and permitted copies of it to be made. After that all the photographs were prepared. In those days I used to have prints made and would sell them to the devotees. I charged two rupees for cabinet-size photographs, from which I paid one rupee to the photographer and one to the Mother. But first the Mother took these photographs to Sri Aurobindo for his signature and then returned them to me. Sometimes I received the signed photographs back directly from his hands. Later I also had smaller locket photographs made. I got the lockets made and gave the profit on their sale to the Mother. You might say that the Mother didn't receive much that way. But in those days every pice (one-sixty fourth of a rupee) was valuable for the Ashram. For example, the water which I used to spray in the garden was partially drawn up from the well by hand so that our water expenses might be reduced. In those days our service was

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Sri Aurobindo (Touched-up photograph)

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a source of great joy. We took no notice of the time while working.

After his food Sri Aurobindo was given a cold drink and sometimes ice-cream. The Mother used to be present at that time whenever she could. But sometimes she was late due to her other responsibilities. Then after Sri Aurobindo's dinner, the opportunity to give cold drink came to me. I would sit near the door till his dinner was over and then bring a cold drink from the nearby frigidaire. Sometimes when the Mother came very late, Sri Aurobindo would tell Champaklal to convey to the sadhaks downstairs that the day's meditation was cancelled because the Mother would not be there. She used to give this meditation after Sri Aurobindo's dinner was over. But however long our duty lasted, we took no notice of time. To do work for the Mother was a pleasure. However late it might be, Champaklal, I, and Nirod-da waited in the passage for the Mother's return. And when she returned, she gave us a smile and that exhilarated us.

Bansidhar

Accept the ardent flame of my gratitude and my joyous and fully confident adherence.
- The Mother

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