Recollections

Conversation III

Undated

Recorded during Santosh Ben's stay in a nursing home

On Her Health and Recovery

Narad: Santosh, you have been in the nursing home now — how long? How many months?

It has been eleven months.

Narad: Eleven months? But you look better than when I saw you eleven months ago.

So the progress is ... about to come.

Narad: Any pain?

No.

Narad:No pain. It is Grace, only Grace.

[She speaks of a weight machine - the meaning of which is not clear.]

On Her Sadhana

Narad: How is it in your sadhana now, being here?

It’s a blank. I don’t feel what is going on — why it happened, why it is continuing, just like that. I’m not worried, either.

Narad: What about the peace?

When I am not "un-peaceful", then I don’t worry about peace — isn’t it?

Narad: Yes, yes.

If I am "un-peaceful", then only I will feel [like asking] - "what is happening?".

On Her Visitors

Narad: You have many visitors — I see many visitors coming to see you.

When?

Narad: Yesterday, I saw many — other times I have seen many people here. You have a lot of friends.

That is true. Many people — many more will come, if there is place.

Narad: What about a private room?

It is difficult to say — to ask for it — but what they are doing is enough. And with a private room there will be [no] 24-hour service… but for my care I can’t do anything myself, not even get a simple glass of water. So staying separately would mean I would be alone. But now anybody can come — any sister will drop in.

Wonderful. Okay, very good.

On Her Body

Narad: Tell me, how does the body feel? How is your body?

The body is difficult to say — when I cannot walk, I cannot stand, I cannot sit. Then it is difficult to say how the body is. The body is like that all the time.

Narad: Do they try to make you sit?

On a chair, in the morning.

Narad: The Mother is coming to you?

Sometimes, when I’m conscious. And supposing I need something and nobody is there nearabout — then I pray to Mother, and somebody comes. Or the way I wanted it, it’s not there, and some other way it has come. Then I think probably it was Her wish to inspire somebody to come. Why should I insist? This is how my sadhana goes on — to leave everything to the Mother. It is not your wish that are getting things done — She is guiding, and this happens. It is not my wish that things are done; sometimes it is what is proper, but the Mother guides — the way She guides, the time She fixes, it’s Her doing. Because sometimes I do feel that probably a private room would have been better, but no — I would have been alone.

Narad: For many hours. Yes, yes.

But why this has happened is unknown to me — why this tragedy happened to me, and I don’t… I should not bother too much. Let it be what it is. She is taking me through it.

Narad: She’s taking you through a lot. I’m amazed to see you looking like this.

Everybody is like that [saying that] — but I can’t see it myself. I didn’t even see my own hair since one year.

Narad: But it looks fine — it’s beautiful.

I didn’t see it - that way — I’m unmindful. But She is seeing what She is looking after. When She has given the trouble, She is looking after it also. I should not meddle.

On Reading

Narad: You are able to read a bit?

A bit, maximum one hour.

Narad: Very good. Can I get you any books to read like Nolini's books or any other books?

These small books are enough. The small books are good. What you gave me I could not read.

Narad: Okay.

On Her Sadhana Before and After the Surgery

Narad: Can you tell me — from before the surgery till now — how do you feel Mother has been carrying on your sadhana?

Before the surgery, it was fine. It was really fine — I remember those moments. Yes, it was wonderful.

Narad: It was very special. Yes, the interviews — then we used to meet in her house all the time.

At least I am not repenting.

Narad: Ah yes, we should not repent — never. Whatever comes, we should be grateful. I have lost so much, you know — so many loved ones have gone, and I stand alone. But She’s here with us - every moment.

Even now she’s with me. Otherwise it cannot happen. Things at the right moment will come. So many things are there - small, small things that open our eyes. But the final results have yet to be seen.

Narad: Ah, yes. Are the doctors saying anything?

No

Narad: I think they are surprised.

They were surprised… …when my voice came back. Because I was speaking all sorts of nonsense.

Narad: When did you talk to the doctors?

Mira told me.

Narad: Oh, Mira told you, I see. Okay.

When I said to my brother: "Take me from here. I will die here" — immediately after I lost coherent words.

Narad: But now it’s back.

That is what Dilip da said: "We never thought your voice would come back like that, so wonderfully". Even now, what will come, we don’t know.

Narad: Yes. None of us know — that’s the adventure of consciousness and joy. But I see a great brightness in your face and your eyes that I haven’t seen for some time. It’s very good.

So She’s giving me, accumulating something, something She is keeping.

Narad: Say something to Alexei — you come here, talk for a few minutes. I’ll let Alexei be with you for a few minutes.

A Conversation with Alexei

Alexei: Do you remember me?

Yes.

Alexei: You’re very much improved.

Thank you. I don’t take anything extra — whatever they give, I take, nothing extra. If, with ordinary things, I am better, then what more [one can ask for]? She will make me all right, if She wishes so. God’s ways are always strange — She didn’t let my spirits go down, but She did give extraordinary things also. She’s taking me, as if rhythmically, slowly, in Her own way, and if not, that will also be Her wish. That way I have left everything to Her. I am not anxious, I am not in a hurry — in whatever way She wants to bring, let Her bring, and if not, that is also Her wish. What is there — everybody has to go. I can answer your question if you ask.

On Mother’s Presence

Alexei: Do you feel Mother’s presence more tangible, more precise, these days than before?

I could not follow your question.

Narad: Alexei is asking if you feel Mother more tangibly now than before.

No, I can’t say it is more tangible — She is with me, as I see, in so many things, in so many decisions, in so many ways.

On Dependence and Patience

I have no grudges. Servants; they sometimes don’t obey, and that is very painful when they go away like this [with their eyes averted, ignoring her] - because I am totally dependent. But then I don’t get angry — I remember Her, and She solves it. She solves. Either some servant comes, or some sister comes, something or the other happens, and they come and solve the problem. So I just have to keep a little patience, a little faith. I have not to be impatient, and if a little I have to bear, I should bear it. After all, every anxiety, everything, doesn’t have an immediate solution. And when we leave it to the Mother, and we should wait also patiently. This sickness is giving a lot of lessons: don't be impatient for anything.

But I am totally… not free… I am totally under somebody, so I have to carry on. What is the use of getting angry, of being impatient? I can’t do anything unless I keep my relations with people cordial. I can’t do anything — you know my condition, I cannot even roll or turn in the bed. You all tell me, “just roll, just turn” you gesture — I can’t. If you turn me, then I will hold on. So again and again I have to repeat it, but I repeat it because this is my Bhagya— I can’t help it. So, from time to time, one has to change oneself.

Narad: I think Mother is giving you the opportunity for others to take care of you, so you can concentrate only on your sadhana.

That way also I am not minding it. I’m not minding it - I know this very well. It is a time for my test. It’s not like a Sadhana - it is willingness to solve it. So that the maximum support I can get from others — that they also serve me, willingly, lovingly — that is my effort, that they should not think it is a burden. My behavior should be like that, so I try that way. I don't mind.

Alexei: You mean full acceptance?

Yes. I am solving it in my own way - to always behave in a manner that does not encroach upon their independence. If they don't like something - I should not go on doing it; I should see the occasion when to ask something of them.

Alexei: Is your mind calm?

Yes. Sometimes I feel bored as there is nothing to occupy myself. If I don't get sleep in the afternoon, then it is difficult to pass time. The people from home call me to come back. But I know it will be much more difficult [for them to take care of me]. They too will need to keep servants as it is a 24-hour duty.

Narad: Do you have opportunity to meditate?

The whole day is spent in meditation. But the atmosphere here is not very peaceful. It is more clouded. The atmosphere does not allow one to be peaceful.

Closing: On Being with Those Who Suffer

Narad: What can you say to people who are suffering — any suffering, minor or otherwise? What do you say to people who suffer like your condition, or any other?

I don't follow your question. You mean to help others? You can come, time to time, but for other people — anybody — that is a great help, to give company daily, in the morning or in the afternoon, sometimes ten minutes, fifteen minutes. Just say hello. What more help can you give? 

Narad: We will come to see you regularly.