Kusum Nagda — Kusumben to all of us — was born on 28 November 1928 to Visanji Nagda. She visited Sri Aurobindo Ashram for the first time in 1935 at the age of seven with her father. After she settled in the Ashram as an inmate she became one of the first students of the Ashram School when it was formally started on 2 December 1943. While she was still a student she joined Golconde — the oldest dormitory of the Ashram — in 1944 where she worked for eight years. A dedicated worker, she would go to Golconde right after the Mother’s Balcony Darshan at 6.30 a.m. Her work included marking the laundry given by the inmates. She would undo all the bundles, check the items which were numbered and add numbers to those which were not numbered. She would finish her work within an hour and leave for her house to have her breakfast. She would return after half an hour and mark the laundry which was collected afterwards. She would then go to the Laundry Room in the basement of Golconde and supervise the workers who washed the clothes. One day in 1945, Amrita informed her that the Mother would like to meet her and Anuben that very evening. When they met the Mother, they were informed that the Mother had chosen both of them to look after the children of ‘Dortoir’ — the first Boarding in the Ashram. Kusumben recalls:
‘I was then 17 and not an extrovert, timid by nature, a lover of solitude who hardly ever spoke and whose feelings would not easily find expression. All this was tickling inside, when the Mother came out with, “This is the right age for this work.” Then again another instruction, a very touching one: “Now you will work like two bodies with one soul.” Then again, “With children you should be like children, play with them.” My nature-erected wall, that upon which I had been leaning so long, must crumble down it seemed — I must assume another nature!’
The Mother also instructed that no child should be touched to wake him up; instead he should be called by his name until he woke up. Each and every child was asked to be brought up just like a tender flower.
Early in the morning Kusumben would go down to inspect the maids washing clothes. After the children left for school, she would get busy with her activities which included dusting the furniture, preparing the dining room where small individual tables were set out and put away on a daily basis. After the children left for the second session of the school post lunch, she ironed their clothes. In the evening, along with Anuben she prepared the children for the Playground. While the children were away, Kusumben and Anuben prepared their dinner. Thus Kusumben worked for almost eighteen hours a day for seven years without knowing what fatigue meant. She would later admit that she got her energy from the smile of the Mother.
When Udar Pinto started Laboratoires Senteurs he was looking for someone who could carry on the work. He took a list of names to the Mother who pointed out the name of Kusumben. As she was still working in Golconde, Kusumben realized the difficulty in managing two unrelated departments so she wrote to the Mother: ‘Mother, I accept with joy, and at the same time I offer it to You to take the charge. With You I can do all, but without You, I can do nothing. Your help will be extremely necessary to be able to accomplish these two tasks.’ The Mother replied: ‘Je suis toujours avec toi dans ton travail et tu peux toujours compter sur mon aide qui ne te manquera jamais’ (meaning, ‘I am always with you in your work and you can always count on my assistance which will never be missed’). Thus, Kusumben took charge of Laboratoires Senteurs and continues to manage it till today.
I came here for the first time in 1935 at the age of seven. My father was a seeker. When a friend of his who was also a seeker like him went to the Ashram, he wrote to my father: “Now I have found a place. You don’t need to go here and there. This is the place where you get what you want — revelations, answers to all questions.” At that time you had to take permission to come here and send your photo as well. So we did it. Children were not easily allowed but I must have made a small face as I was always very eager to come so my father thought: “I’ll take her also.” Only my father and I came here. Then he told me: “You have to take permission.” I said: “I don’t know how to write in English.” So he told me: “Write in Gujarati.” Sri Aurobindo knew Gujarati. So I wrote to Sri Aurobindo: “I want to come for Blessings.” And He told Purani-ji (Anuben’s father whom we knew along with all the Gujarati people here) that she could come. That’s how I came. Every time my father came here, I came with him.
When I was much younger — as a child — I always asked my parents and others: “When there was nothing what was there?” Naturally nobody answered satisfactorily or avoided the question. But in my own life I have seen how this question could be answered. It had to be found out in life.
We are Jains. Before we came to know of this place we used to go on a pilgrimage every year. It was either in 1934 or 1935 that we had gone for a pilgrimage. At that time I was very much taken up by a Jain sadhvi [female ascetic], the little kamandal she used, the pure white dress she wore and the way she went from house to house. I wanted to be initiated into the order. So I took my two frocks, two undergarments and a towel and kept them aside. When my parents came back they could not find me. They went on searching for me. But when they found me, I said: “I’m not coming with you. I’m going to take diksha [initiation] and I’ll stay there.” However, I understood that they would not leave me so unhappily I came back with them. But when I came to know of this place — Pondicherry — and I came and saw Them (Sri Aurobindo and the Mother) I knew that my initiation was to be here only.
In 1943- I had told my father that I wanted to stay here. That was my last word otherwise he would have thought of my marriage, etc. Just then the book Conversations with the Mother had come out in Gujarati. And Mother had given it to my father. I read in that book what They wanted to do yoga for. In that book I read that if yoga is done for certain things then They have advised us not to touch it. If the Divine is your very raison d’être — meaning reason for being — then only you can touch it. It was said that if you wanted to do yoga to acquire power, then don’t do it. I thought: “Am I really feeling? How do I know what raison d’être means?” But I did not want power. Then I left it to Mother saying whatever maybe the raison d’être I wanted it to come so that I am here for you. In those days those who were not staying here permanently stayed for seven or eight months. For instance, my father would go on a three months’ tour, earn some money and come back. And I was getting more and more attached to Mother. One day I felt I can’t live without Her. If I don’t see Her, I can’t live. So I took that to be raison d’être. I couldn’t do without Her and when I felt very much like this I told my father: “I think I would stay here only.” And what happened was: once we had to go. I went to Mother and told Her that I didn’t want to go but since they were going I also have to go with them. She didn’t tell me anything. But the time was coming close and I was feeling very bad. I told Mother: “Since I am here for a few more days may I come to you as many times you open the door?” In those days Mother would come from the staircase, open the door and see people. She used to open the door four times and every time we saw Her. Thus we were getting more and more intimate. On the last day of my stay in the Ashram I got a kiss from Her on my forehead — the first and the longest kiss. And then She said: “Come back soon.” We were going on 22 March and by 22 June we were supposed to come back. I thought as a child: “How can I tell Mother to call me back within a week as it takes two days of train journey to travel to my place, two more days to reach the destination and another two days to come back?” So I finally blurted: “Call me back in one month.” And it seems my mother said: “I find you so miserable — you better go back to Pondicherry.” My parents could not go because my father had a business to attend. An aunt of mine who otherwise never agreed to any other religion was somehow ready to bring me back and stay with me at Pondicherry. We had a house that Mother had given. It so happened that on 22 May I left Pondicherry and on 22 June I was back here. I spoke of one month and exactly a month later I was back. This happened in 1942. I was staying here again. After some months it was time for my father to go back to his place. On the previous occasion Mother had told me: “What can I do at the last minute?” So this time I went to Mother long before the scheduled date and told Her: “I don’t want to go this time. So I’m telling you from now.” Mother heard me but didn’t tell me anything so I was wondering what was going on. When my father went to see Her, She said: “Kusum is not coming. She is seventeen now, she can decide for herself.” I don’t know how She said seventeen for I was fifteen years old at that time. She told him that I was not going and that She had already kept a room for me and thus She kept me here. Before my parents came back, ‘Dortoir’ was started and Mother sent me to ‘Dortoir’. And then She said: “Now you are mine. All that you want you will get from me.” So this was how I was made a permanent inmate. When my mother came back, she said: “You are stolen away from me!”
I didn’t like to study. I was studying but I was not good in school. I was in the Ashram when the school started here. I joined the school from the beginning. I was a little older than others. Here I was very good at studies. Here I loved studies, I loved every subject, I stood first in everything. Even some teachers like Sunil-da said: “I never had a student like Kusum.” I never wanted to leave my studies but within one and a half years Mother put me in charge of the first Boarding She started, ‘Dortoir’. So I was put there.
I do recall but what happened in those days was that everybody was just dumbfounded. Our mind just did not work in front of Him. For instance, everybody walked but I don’t think they knew where they were walking. But at that time only, I knew for certain that my place was here.
We were allowed to put our head in His lap. So we first did Pranam to Sri Aurobindo, He put His hand on our head. Then we looked at Him. He made a slight gesture with His eye, that is, “Go to Mother.” Then we did Pranam to Mother. She did the same as Sri Aurobindo. There was a little gap between the two of Them; we did Pranam there and both of Them kept Their hands on our head. As I told you we were like dumbfounded.
We used to carry garlands and offerings. There were two baskets on two sides. We used to put the garlands in one of the baskets and the offering packets in the other.
I remember His eyes only. All the time I saw His eyes. I saw His whole face but mostly His eyes. I did see Him smile. It so happened that I thought that Dilip Kumar Roy would probably get a smile. So I tried to join him. I would be somewhere behind him though not exactly behind him. I saw that little smile when Dilip Kumar went. Otherwise it was not a smile but gravity and subtle love which were almost like a smile. You cannot say ‘smile’ as we speak of. We never wanted to move away from Him. We went on looking, He also looked into our eyes and then He would blink. That was the way He said: “Now next.” That was His way of saying. And that blinking was so beautiful! I cannot describe but whenever I think of Him, His eyes will come, that blinking will come and the way He said: “Go.”
His gaze was as if He was looking far, far into the infinite. He would look at you and at the same time He would probably go through you. Mother’s gaze was of love and full of smile.
Darshan days was not like what you see now. There were selected numbers of people. Everything was known beforehand. A place was given outside on the footpath. We went group-by-group in absolute silence. Nobody had to say: “Keep silent.” It was automatic. From the time when we were sitting we knew that we were going somewhere to a height. Everybody lived somewhere else. There was joy on the faces which came from deep faith. It was so different! A person serving in Dining Room was also affectionate. The feeling was such that today I don’t find those things. However, there are a lot of good things now. At that time the inmates lived in a certain inner satisfaction and inner calm. There were troubles also — that is understood. Sri Aurobindo and the Mother have said that in Their yoga everything would come up. The work was done in a very different way and the feeling of unity was there. Of course I can understand that so many people are managing here now. In those days the number of people was less. At that time only those people who had really something were called. Everybody was not permitted. The whole atmosphere was very different.
During the Darshan of November 1938 I was here when Sri Aurobindo had His accident. I had come for Darshan. What I recall is: because it was such a shock to all the people who had come for Darshan but couldn’t see Him Mother doubly gave Herself. Her smile was overwhelming! It may not have been easy for Her also but She was giving such love because She knew that those people who came for the Darshan would feel sad.
I have followed in my life how Mother chooses us. I am such a person who cannot live without Mother. That time it was fine because it was my raison d’être and it made me stick here. But supposing I remained like that till today what would have happened without Mother? Many have suffered. Then I saw how She was changing Her ways. In the beginning, I did not understand why She was like that. I used to think: “Where have I gone wrong?” Somewhere I was not right but I couldn’t understand. I used to think that She was not the same. But later I understood that She no more wanted me to remain attached to the physical presence within me intact all the time. After the Supramental Descent had taken place in 1956, I found in 1957 or 1958 many things which were very difficult for my mind and nature. All the things I wanted to change and for which I was working and struggling for years suddenly turned into stone. Probably this was the work of the Force.
Then Mother’s behaviour changed slowly. Already we could see Her lesser than before. So many people were there, there was so much work which She had to do and sometimes She could scold also. Sometimes if I find somewhere that She is not happy with me then I must run to Her. I can’t help it. After all, the vital also is there. Whomever you love — if love goes to the Divine, there also it will have to change. It won’t be the same thing. So She changes and in this way I felt slowly that I was taken step-by-step to another layer and then I understood. When I am at home I am full of Her presence. The presence is there. Mother was preparing me for the day that was to come. I don’t feel a single day that She is not here. When I go for Darshan, I don’t feel that I am only seeing photos. I feel everything like my old Darshan days; whatever was happening inside happens now also. Of course if I want to use my mind then They are not there, instead Their photos are there. But in my heart only They are there.
I know of many girls who used to go around Mother and stay with Her. They would ask: “Oh! What flowers have you brought? Supramental Friendship? Divine Friendship?” So I felt very bad. I thought, I have to be prepared. So She prepared me. If we give ourselves there is no end of going further and further in Sri Aurobindo’s yoga. He has described such a beautiful state and then said: “If this state retains us.” Then suddenly there will be that state. And this is only the first step. We should know that there is much to know. So walk the path; the rest is done by Them. At least walk.
I ask sometimes: “So many people say Sri Aurobindo is there in the subtle physical. I can feel you so much but you never want to show yourself to me.” There was a time when I used to see Mother everyday in my dreams but it was long back. I don’t even see Them in dreams. I get up, I work, I feel I am directed and guided but I don’t meet Them. Maybe that keeps me humble.
February 2009
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