Blessed are those

A Journey to Conscious Conception (Clare Fanning)

- Clare Fanning

'My best and most intimate work with Mother that She encouraged, protected, guided and blessed began in March 1971 and took two and a half years to accomplish. I will tell this story based on my correspondences with Mother.

Vincenzo, (who came to AV in 1965) took me to meet Mother and sit quietly on the 7th of March, (he had Mother's authority to come to Her room at any time without appointment). After leaving Her room I wrote Her this letter in Pondicherry. March 7, 1971

"Dear Mother, Since a week now I have been having a very strong experience but only when I am alone with Vincenzo. Every day on and off, I feel someone enter the room but when I turned to see who has come in, no one was there. I didn't mention this to him but I was beginning to have some intuitions.

On the fifth day I sensed someone enter the room when Vincenzo turned to look behind him - only to turn around confused. I smiled and said, 'Did you just think someone came into the room? 'Yes.'He replied. Then I told him that I had been experiencing that every day since five days at different times but only when I was alone with him. I said, 'I have been having intuitions and that I think it is someone who wants to be born of us... how did he feel about that?' He said he felt fine but I would have to handle the child-raising the first five years as there was so much work to be done. He also said the doctors in France had done tests once and said they thought he could not have children. I said I would write to you to have clear guidance. "

Page 13

"I was not expecting to think of having a child as I had never lived with a man before coming to Auroville and I would not mind to be that channel as long as it is someone who is coming for the Work If this is correct would you please help Vincenzo that this may be possible? "

We gave the letter to Maggie, Mother's secretary, due to its very personal nature. The next day we went to see Maggie for Mother's response. When we asked Maggie Mother's reaction, she gave us a big smile and said "Carry on!" We all smiled, laughed, parted, got married...and carried on. Eight months later we conceived and I notified Mother.

" Thank you Mother, we have conceived and the child is due the third week of August." She replied with blessings, "C'est bien!"

Six months later I went to Madras for the final touches for the baby's room etc. and waited impatiently three days for the Auroville van to come and go back. Rounding a bend in the road after the airport at 80 kilometers an hour there was an unannounced road block with a car and lorry stopped and a full lane to the left. The brakes didn't work.

I was in the front passenger seat. As fate would have it Roger Anger, just arrived from Paris and passing the partially demolished van asked who the Aurovilian, sitting where the motor went into the seat, was. He and Ramanathan sped back to Pondicherry and went straight to Mother, to tell her I needed help. Roger said, "She concentrated within and then looked at him and said 'I will see what I can do. '"

In the meantime my body was panting rapidly in the intensive care unit of the General Hospital of Madras. Vincenzo, Mr. Khaleeli and Azzez Khaleeli and doctors waited by my bed not knowing if I would make it or not - my heart rate was 180 and the blood pressure was 0 since four or five hours. Unbeknownst to them, I suddenly became interiorly conscious of 'glowing' and being infused with a 'glowing and loving warmth' spreading into me. It made me feel so relaxed, warmed and loved - yet it was pouring with firm force into my chest.

Page 14

The pressure was so strong I opened with difficulty my heavy eyes to see what was going on. I beheld a beam of intensely pulsating white light approximately 8 inches in diameter, gripping my chest. With my eyes I followed the expanding light beam to the right corner next to the bed. There, standing behind a curtain of this white glowing light, was someone who was condensing all this light into me. It was transparent enough for me to see through with concentration. It was Mother! Vincenzo was standing at the foot of my bed in the middle looking so sad. My alertness caught his eyes and shifting my gaze over to him I smiled and said sighing happily, "It's alright! Mother's here!" and closing my eyes, returned to my bliss filled 'temporary coma'.

After some days I was ambulanced - from the sweltering 110 F. May heat of the 92 bed ward of the General Hospital, with no fan overhead - to a private nursing home with an AC room where I would lay flat on my back in traction for two months. It was heaven. After a couple of days my strength returned. I asked for a clipboard with paper and pen to write Mother. I then related to Her my total experience.

"Dear Mother:

"You know that I am well and happy and very grateful for this experience. There have been so many interior and exterior experiences. I will describe them as best I can. "

"I had gone to Madras to get all the layette for the baby and was impatient to come home since several days but was always told to wait for the van. The day we finally returned we were a group of Aurovilians having lunch at the restaurant before the four of us left. As I rose to go to the Ladies room a friendly voice said "Oh Clare, we can't go back today because we have to fix something on the van... Just kidding" Why I didn't know then, but my eyes welled up with tears and I said "It doesn't matter, it's too late... " As soon as I closed the bathroom door my body pressed against it and went into convulsive weeping. I started to sink towards the floor crying in gasping breaths.

Page 15

I had no control over the depth of sadness, anguish and tears that caused this sudden emotional breakdown. "

"While observing interiorly the event I kept hearing a part of me saying, "Don't go back inside! Go to the bus station and take the bus!" It kept saying it over and over and it felt like it was pulling me and I was tempted. But it was the quick speedy voice within that I had been practicing to not respond to. I stood up and bent over the sink still sobbing. When I lifted my head I was shocked by this dramatic change in my behavior and face. I calmed down by pouring cold water into my hands and rubbed my head and neck. Then ...the quite voice within said, "Go back inside. " I knew that was my higher consciousness so I composed myself and returned to the table. Luckily I had sun glasses. Then we all left for Auroville together. "

"Obviously a part of me knew what was coming. In hindsight I realized whoever might have been in my seat, had I listened to that speedy voice, might not have pulled up their legs and put their feet on the glove compartment before impact. That reaction kept them from amputation. "

"Leaving Madras, we rounded the corner after the airport and I heard a tapping noise. Turning to look at Jean Claude, who was driving as to what the problem was, his eyes grew large and he yelled out, "Attention les freins ne marches pas!" (Attention, the brakes don't work!) I turned to look before us and saw what we were heading into; I made a short breathy laugh and thought, "Either this is the 'moment' or you 're protected! ...It's in God's hands!" And after that thought my feet lifted to the glove compartment and my arms went around my knees with my head down on my thighs. Although the movement had to be instantaneous as we were seconds from crashing it felt like I did it so calmly and gently as if in slow motion. I did not hear the crash nor feel it. "

"Immediately after the crash was over I was conscious and could hear everything. I was in a space not in my head but felt situated about six inches behind my heart. I was basking in an

Page 16

indescribable ecstasy. I overheard someone say, "We must take her to the hospital in Madras. " When suddenly like an arc of light it was if it was Rob s prediction that he ran to tell me the year before - it continued in a arch of light from right to left: "They are going to take you to the hospital in Madras...!... Everyone will think you are going to die but you won't; it will be wonderful. There was an accident; I saw it!" (At that time he said In 24 hours they would take me to the hospital.)

Even though I was already feeling 'wonderful' this 'clairvoyant reminder' made me think, "Oh, it's just a question of patience. " And I relaxed knowing I was not to be involved in the drama of what was happening. "

"When they withdrew the lorry that pulled off the front of the van now attached to it, they found me in this foetus position against the back seat. The van was full of insulation material so the seat couldn't move. Vincenzo and Stephen were lying down on top of the insulation for the ride back Luckily they could hold onto the bars that ran along the top two sides when Jean Claude yelled out."

"Now the most amazing part began. I heard a discussion outside - 'Should we pull her out or lift her up?' Then, from behind my heart center, a strong, calm and very clear man's voice said, 'Tell them to lift you up. 'To their surprise I spoke for the first time so they knew I was alive, 'Lift me up!' Vincenzo came and took me around the shoulders and under the knees and lifted me up, holding me against him. There was a physical moment of agony as he picked me up but as soon as he held me still I flipped back to the ecstasy place.

Then this man's voice calmly said, 'Tell him to lay you down immediately. 'I said slowly, 'Lay me down immediately' Vincenzo held me in his arms. Then the man's voice again, more authoritatively said, 'Tell him to lay you down immediately.' I looked up at Vincenzo and said breathily, 'Lay me down immediately. 'He held me in his arms.

Page 17

Then, like a jolt of energy and intensity his voice demanded, 'Immediately!' It was an order! I started to repeat as the last two times but was gasping for air. I took my left hand and pushed my right hand to quickly guide my elbow with all the force available to me into Vincenzo's chest. With my last breath I choked intently, 'I.. mme.. di.. ate.. ly!' He reacted and laid me flat on the ground.

I nearly passed out from the excruciating pain and agony of being moved but once again as soon as I was flat and still, I flipped back to the wonderful inner space of conscious ecstasy. Agony-ecstasy were my companions for awhile. Once lying down, my body grew with air - like I had been a deflated balloon. I was yet to learn the lung was punctured and my pelvis come apart"

"The couples whose car we knocked to the side before impact into the lorry, insisted they take me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, although I remained in the ecstasy inner dwelling behind my heart, I felt the need to spit a lot of liquid building in my mouth. I was embarrassed to ask but I said with effort, "I have to spit. " They turned, 'Madame no problem please if you have to spit you must.' So I tipped my head on Jean Claude s shorts and bare knee and blood poured down his leg... When I saw what was flowing I thought, 'This is really dramatic! 'and I felt sorry for Vincenzo watching helplessly from the end of the seat where my feet were on his lap.

Then, after I turned my head back a powerful energy centered on my abdomen and was funneling out of me like a sucking vacuum. It pulled away in a long, intense stream until it was gone like a break-off point. As soon as the energy detached itself I felt a drop of the foetus in my belly. It was the physical collapse within me that made me understand the baby's body was dead and the presence who was coming had left. It was the separation of body and 'spirit or soul'. I had a moment of panic, 'The baby!' but was calmed by the voice 'It's alright there will be another. 'I was comforted and haltingly told Vincenzo at my

Page 18

feet, 'I'm sorry about the baby. But there will be another.' (My body released a dead little girl three days later). " When we got to the hospital..."

I won't repeat the hospital story but I did tell Mother about her visit that I certainly appreciated!.. .of course I ended my letter like this. 'Mother, if it is true there will be another, what must I do?' Mother told Maggie to tell me "Ecute les conseils des doctors. " (Listen to the advice of the doctors.) They said I could give birth again but to wait six months. I was so happy.

In July, I could finally leave the wonderful place, Lady Wellington's Nursing Home, where I had rested and healed so well, - and read a lot of Sri Aurobindo. We went to Pondicherry so I could be with Mother. Now I was 'on a mission', no hostile force would interrupt this next pregnancy (Mother had told that to Satprem after the accident.) After returning to Aspiration, I read everything I could find that Mother had written about Conscious Conception. This time I wanted to do it the best I could. Mother wrote that people should be respectful of their energies around pregnant mothers. (In those days when a pregnant mother entered an area where there was loud conversation of people there would be an immediate hush, smile and quiet conversation).

She said that it was ideal if the mother could stay out of the vital vibrations of sexuality during both pregnancy and nursing in order to help the child stabilize harmoniously the layering and settling of all their different 'bodies' into one.

She told how during pregnancy mothers should call into the child the talents and gifts it plight use.

She said one in a hundred thousand conceptions were conscious and how much better if there were more and how at the moment of conception you should open and welcome the spirit/soul coming into your body with love and joy.

She said the soul could enter the body immediately at the beginning of conception or during pregnancy or at the moment of birth; that it was more the decision of the soul and sometime souls will withdraw if the body is not strong enough.

Page 19

There are more wonderful insights to be had but these left the greatest impression.

In August I had an intimation that I would conceive in November. I wrote Mother about it and gave Her a date, Nov. 15th that I had too quickly calculated. She wrote back that ' Je croix il faut attendre.' (I think you have to wait.) And She sent me a Blessing Packet. The Blessing Packet was 'special'. I had a leather cover made for it and a strong leather cord and put it around my neck. I told Vincenzo that if he didn't mind I wanted to abstain from all sexuality until the day I conceived but I didn't know if it would be months or a year or more and that would also extend into the pregnancy and nursing duration. He agreed and was so kind to allow me this special experience in Conscious Conception that lasted 21 months. November 30th I awoke and sat up in bed. A swooping pressure and clear thought came down over me, "Tonight you go to Vincenzo." I didn't say anything and wondered during day if it was my vital, but that seemed calm enough so that night a surprised spouse welcomed me and conception was the immediate kind.

"Dear Mother:

"Thank you again for your help. I wore the Blessing Packet you sent me around my neck until conception. Immediately after being with Vincenzo I lay beside him. My consciousness began descending behind my heart again like in the place I found myself after the accident. Getting there was like physically going down an elevator shaft at a 45 degree angle from the head to this heart-place that seemed behind my back.

Once there, this connection to the infinite poured into my body's mid-center, pressing and pulsating so physically like a hole into me that I was conscious of the deep dark vastness of the universe and absolute infinity. As if the roof above my head and room around me had disappeared, I saw only the infinite night, the stars and felt the vastness and stillness of space. In that vast eternal silence the presence poured into me from this infinite place. It was like an old friend I was so happy to meet again!

Page 20

Quickly I opened my conscious self to 'Welcoming 'with joy, like you said to do. I stayed still in this 'Welcoming'concentration until the funnelling presence stopped and the feeling of infinity stopped. All was still; I was aware of the room again. I squeezed Vincenzo's hand and said, "She's come. " In the morning Vincenzo didn't remember anything as he had gone into an immediate and deep sleep. So I told him we conceived and would have our child again in the third week of August. Merci Mere. " Mother replied, "C'est bien!"

Nine months later on August 15th, Mother's last Darshan day my first contractions began. After 36 hours of labor our little girl was born. Mother named her Aurotaranti. In Sanskrit this means 'she who is crossing over.'

Conscious conception is something to be truly valued and experienced by any parent. I have even met men who told me they experienced this reality even though their wife did not (although not the same physical experience). One fellow said, I told her every time we conceived. It is not some impossible experience for someone truly and sincerely aspiring to do it. It is a perfect way to master those vital energies though temptation may be great. I can't thank Mother enough for all Her guidance, help and love.

Understandably there are many out there who realize it is something that should be encouraged in the world today. For those who doubt that spirit/soul inhabit the body and that we are only finite manifestation with total endings, I say, "Cheer up, we are all on an incredible adventure and it is throughout the universe". (a talk in 2006)

(Clare Fanning came to Auroville first in 1970. She initiated the creation of "For All/Pour Tous, " Auroville's financial and distribution service and is presently residing in Auroville.)

Page 21