Darshan

8

"I Am Here"

Santosh Malik

In 1959, Prem, my husband was posted in Madras and we started coming to the Ashram. We just came like visitors but having met some very senior people, Prem was very keen to come and settle down. But we just kept visiting and it took about nine years to finally come to the Ashram. When I came—to tell you very frankly—I had no such experience, as some people have had, of seeing and hearing the Mother in a vision. I came with an open mind, without negative feelings, and the Mother started working on me.

The first time when I went to see Her with Prem it was at the Interview Room. And people used to go to Her in the afternoon. I still remember the dress She was wearing, and what I told Her. I said: "Mother, I don't know anything about You but I want to know; please open myself for Your force and explain what You are";—which She started doing right there. Then we went back to Calcutta and started reading books about the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. We came for the inauguration of Auroville in February 1968 and in May we returned finally. Obviously it seemed I came because Prem came but really it was not so. As Prem told me much later, the Mother was using different forces with me and him. For example (we used to go together to the Mother), She would look at me in a very compassionate way and at

When we came to Pondicherry, we had to start some pattern of life. We offered whatever we had with us to the Mother but

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She said, "No, you keep this as my trust and live your own way of life." However, I was a little apprehensive. I thought: "May be we can't live with these investments alone." So we wrote another letter to the Mother and She replied: "Please tell Santosh that I am here." That promise, I would say, She has kept all these 32 years that I have been here. There has not been a day when I could say: "I am not comfortable for my external life." Inner life, of course, is very different which She has been working on.

We were in the Ashram for about ten years before coming to Auroville. Initially Prem used to come here in the morning and return but as I was teaching in the school I could not come with him. When Prem got increasingly interested in Auroville and the Mother gave him more work here, we thought of building a house here, and ultimately we shifted in 1978.

During the ten years we spent in the Ashram I used to go to the Mother very often; for birthdays and for escorting people. At that time there was a system; one could take up to ten to fifteen visitors, record their names and details, and go to the Mother. It was always a very gratifying experience.

We were told in the Ashram that people don't go out for family functions and things like that. So, when there was a function in the family we told our folks: "No we can't come because here it is not done." And they said, "Okay, you ask the Mother; if She allows you, come; if She doesn't allow, don't." So we asked Her. She called us and put a lot of questions: Where are you going? For how many days are you going? When are you going to come back? Where would you live? And then She said: "Okay, you can go but come back soon." But She kept on intently looking at us right up to the door and it looked as if Her looks were binding us to come back—not that we had decided to stay back but something could have happened. This is one of my very strong experiences. It helped us to be steadier in this way of life.

There is one more incident which I cannot forget. I was still very apprehensive because, I was used to a very different type of life—like all when living outside. "Can I live this life or not?" Prem wrote for me that Toshi was very apprehensive whether she would be able to live this life materially, and the Mother

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replied: "Tell her that I am here". And She has really kept that promise with me.

Then the recent tragedy, which all my Aurovilian friends know, that I went through; wherefrom that Strength came, I don't know; I know it is the Mother's Force. It is inexplicable how I went through, with what strength—the perception of the tragedy; facing it, facing my relatives in Delhi, and the more difficult time afterwards.

I am all alone but the Mother is really with me; and She is helping me. And people are helping because they are the instruments of the Mother. So these two, three things are my very strong experiences. But there are enough things coming to my mind to write a small book on my experiences with the Mother.

Hearts touched by thy love shall answer to my call.

Book XI

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