Darshan

12

Kali, the Destroyer of Obstacles (Roger Toll)

Roger Toll

It's wonderful to be here after a long time.

I came to Pondicherry from London at the very start of 1972. I had wanted to come immediately after I discovered Sri Aurobindo and the Mother a few months earlier, but the Bangladesh war intervened. Having used the months of waiting to read much of the works of Sri Aurobindo, I arrived at the Ashram and very soon met Navajata. I don't know what he saw, but he mentioned me to the Mother and She asked me to come to see Her. I went to Her a few days later, which was perhaps the 17^th of February. It was a totally unexpected grace to see Her; I knew that She was seeing very few people at that time. I went to see Her again on the 20^th of February, which was my birthday. And again I saw Her on the 21^st at the Darshan at the Ashram. These four days were a revelation and deepened my connection immeasurably.

I began to work with Navajata on relation first with the United States and then on relation between Auroville and the outside. The story that I want to tell you is very personal but for those who have not known the Mother, I think it shows the extraordinary grace that She could bestow on all of us, in a very tangible form. I was living in the Ashram and at a certain point, perhaps it was in March, I wrote to Her—I cannot recall the subject exactly but it had to do with my sadhana. She asked me to come to see Her. So I went on my own, and not through Navajata or Shyamsundar or any of the other secretaries people went through. I waited upstairs on Her terrace and went in when I was called.

In my previous visits to Mother, it was very similar to Shraddhavan's wonderful description: nothing existed in the room but the Mother and She was enormous. You would walk in with

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flowers, you would place your head on Her lap, look into Her eyes, She would touch your hand, give one a flower and off you go. This time it was very different. As She was looking at me, perhaps She saw an obstruction in my inner being and decided to do some 'spiritual surgery'.

Holding both of my hands between Her two hands, I suddenly felt an enormous pressure,—certainly too great to originate from a very frail, small, ninety-three years old person. It was very, very powerful. And Her face went from that smile—as all those who have seen the Mother will remember, it went from ear to ear, vast—and took on the ferocious face of Kali by an imperative determination. Her right eye seemed very distant, perhaps in other worlds, but Her left eye appeared to begin to spin around as though it were a drill, and She bored down into my deepest heart right down to the level of my chest. She hit a deep, tenacious layer of what felt like hard rubber. She pushed against it and it barely budged. It actually hurt physically. She pulled back out, and smiled broadly from ear to ear while patting my hands. Then again, She dove back in,—with Her eye spinning,—entering through my eyes, with Her consciousness. She hit the same obstruction. Again She came back up, reassuring me in the same way, then dove back in a third time with an ever greater intensity. This time the obstruction ripped open. Her consciousness went right into my heart centre and opened it. It was an incredibly powerful experience. When She came back out, She said, "Et Voila, mon petit," and She patted my hands and gave me a big smile along with a transformation flower.

It was an extremely intense experience. That is the kind of work that She could do and it was a great grace. It was the turning point of my life and it is what, I believe, truly made me what I now am. I thank Her forever with a heart absolutely full of gratitude. I left her room with a mixture of thankfulness and post-surgical pain, but soon I felt only an intense, constant connection with Her presence that lasted for ten days.

A giant dance of Shiva tore the past;...

Book III, 4

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We are united towards the same goal and for the same accomplishment — for a work unique and new, that the divine Grace has given us to accomplish. I hope that more and more you will understand the exceptional importance of this work and that you will sense in yourselves the sublime joy that the accomplishment will give you.

The divine force is with you — feel its presence more and more and be very careful never to betray it.

Feel, wish, act, that you may be new beings for the realization of a new world and for this my blessings shall be always with you.

The Mother

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