Darshan

7

Like the Sun Casting Its Rays upon All Things Alike (Vijay)

Rays upon All Things Alike

Vijay

By the time I arrived at the Ashram in 1967 the Mother had already withdrawn since several years to Her high room. As all the time thousands wished to visit Her, newcomers to the Ashram—especially if they were a nobody like me—were allowed but a very short time with Her on our birthdays. In those times I had still the mental idea that a real guru had to be Indian, so I was studying only Sri Aurobindo's books and thought of Her as some wise old lady, whose main point was that She had lived close to Him for so many years. So when my birthday came I went to see Her without expecting anything much, out of mere curiosity.

Of what I saw when Her door finally opened to me, I could never say but only give the vaguest of hints: a body was there wrapped in golden silk or seemed to be in a certain light, and yet it was so magical, as if...transparent, glowing from within, like a window to infinite, endless wide open dimensions... My first impression was of infinite, multidimensional spaces opening in front of me, and I felt as if I had lived my whole life in a matchbox... Eyes were there which looked into my utmost depths like I was utterly naked within, which saw all I ever was and every event of my life, saw even the most shameful and terrible things I ever did but without any judgment or condemnation at all, like the sun casting its rays upon all things on earth big or small alike, be they dirty slums, battlefields or mountain peaks.

A mouth and a warm smile were there, and suddenly I became aware of a rising tide, wave after wave of Her infinite Love

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engulfing me, and I felt then that I would be forever safe in Her...

But at the same time I felt so ashamed of being myself, still existing and being nothing. Like never before, I became aware of all my shallowness, of being so terribly unworthy of Her Love, and something in me cried out then, "Mother, see all the darkness in my heart, all the violence and lust in my heart, how I am deeply crippled in my spirit and inwardly blind; You know how I did hurt even some who loved me. Please forgive me for having defiled Your spaces with my presence, for Who You were, I knew not..."

But She just kept smiling and smiling to me with infinite love for a time which seemed to have no end.

I put my head on Her feet, and received a red rose from Her hand, kept looking at Her in immense wonder, but then She seemed to recede from my vision until I could see Her no more— I found myself outside Her door and could not understand how it had happened. Champaklal was speaking to me, I could hear each word he was saying yet somehow all together they made no sense at all...Only next day when it was explained again I understood that when they had told me that my allotted time with Her was over and that I should leave I could not emerge from my trance, and even remained unaware that they were shaking my shoulder. Eventually they had to carry me, lifting by my legs and my back, away from Her...

Of what I saw when Her door finally opened to me, I could never say but only give the vaguest of hints...

On my next birthday I wanted to bring Her a rose, as it was the custom, and asked Richard for one. (Richard was a Bengali— She often gave westerners Indian names and to Indians Westerners name, like in my case). Richard gave me the most magnificent rose from his garden, a red rose with pinkish hues, but by the time I thought of asking him for something to cut away its thorns he had already left. I tried to break them off by hand but they were very strong and I was unable to. So, in the end I cut a long strip of green raw silk from my little temple,— which was just a small low table with their photos and an incense holder on it,—and carefully wrapped it all over the stem of the rose. Then I made two very strong knots, one on top and

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one at the bottom to ensure that it would not get undone and no thorn would prick Her hand. When I presented it to Her and She saw what I had done She laughed and laughed and She laughed some more and it seemed to me that She appreciated it very much, although it was such a little thing. Then She brought the rose very, very close to Her eyes, and began to open the knots. This took Her quite a while, and it turned out to be the longest time I ever spent in front of Her. After She finished opening both knots She put the rose in a flower pot next to Her and then She rolled up that strip of green raw silk and put it in my hand...

And from her eyes the Eternal's bliss shall gaze.

Book iii, 4

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