Darshan

20

"What Do You Know about

His Destiny?"

S. Mahalingam

When one speaks of the contacts with Avatars like the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, people would naturally expect to hear wonderful, miraculous happenings. But in my life, nothing extraordinary has happened. Of course things have happened in my life which for me are important, precious and I cherish them and I am grateful for the grace that made those things possible, but for others it may not be so. Firstly I am just going to say how I came to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

When I was twenty-one I read the complete works of Swami Vivekananda and all that was available of Ramakrishna-Vivekananda literature. Then I read Swami Rama Thirtha's 'In The Woods of God Realisation.' Though I knew enough mentally to practice yoga, I wanted to do it under a Guru and wrote to Sri Ramakrishna Math in Madras asking permission to join the Math. They asked me whether I was a graduate. I, with the arrogance of youth, thought, "Oh, if this was the condition to join Sri Ramakrishna Math, then Sri Ramakrishna himself won't be admitted." I didn't reply and that was the end of it. Still I continued searching for a Guru. I was also reading Swami Shivananda of Rishikesh and wrote to him saying that I wanted to become his disciple. He accepted me as a disciple and after sometime, in 1944, I went to Rishikesh. The natural sceneries, the high Himalayas and the crystal clear waters of the Ganga etc. were fantastic. Though it had an effect, something in me was telling me: "Go away from here. Go away from here." The Swamiji was all kindness to me and everything was alright but

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something in me was not satisfied. "Go away, go away"—all the time. When I had a walk in the woods, I would feel this "go away, go away." So, after remaining there two weeks, I came away. I had left the training school two or three weeks before the Government examinations, when I returned it was the last examination day. A friend of mine somehow got the Mother's 'Conversations' [published by Sri Aurobindo Ashram], translated into Tamil by Kothandaraman. Somebody had given him that book. He had no use for it but remembered that I was interested in spiritual things and he gave me that book. After that I have never met that gentleman in my life. If I had come one day later I wouldn't have got the chance to get that book. The Mother somewhere has said that when one needed to read a certain book, if one was destined to follow that line, somehow somebody would put that book in his hand; if it was necessary that he should meet a person he will meet that person. That was what happened. After reading the Mother's 'Conversations' I felt, oh, here is my way, this is my path.

Immediately I wrote to Sri Aurobindo directly. And Nolini da (the Secretary of the Ashram) replied: "Sri Aurobindo does not attend to correspondence these days; it is the Mother who replies if and when necessary." That was all. Then I read some articles about Ashram, the Mother, darshan days and all by Kothandaraman in Dinamani, a newspaper from Madras. Learning that four times in a year Sri Aurobindo and the Mother gave darshan, I applied for permission. Two or three times, T got the reply: "Not this time." Then, in October, 1945, Nolini da replied: "Are you known to anybody in the Ashram?" And I said: "No." Yet, surprisingly, I was given permission for the next darshan—in November, 1945. Of course to have the darshan of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother is a result of Grace. Then after one or two years, I wrote to the Mother saying that I wanted to join the Ashram. Again Nolini-da replied, "We do not have enough accommodation to take new entrants/inmates and it is not necessary to come to the Ashram to practice this yoga. You can practice in your own place by reading Sri Aurobindo's books." Two or three times, I got the same answer. Then I left asking for it.

I used to come and stay in the Ashram during the holidays.

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In 1955, I left my headmaster's post in a high school and just came to the Ashram without any plan. Then Madhavji (a senior sadhak of the Ashram) himself asked me: Do you want to join the Ashram? It was a pleasant surprise! All these years I was asking for it but now, without my requesting Panditji was asking: "Do you want to join the Ashram?" Of course I said yes and I joined the Ashram. But that was not the end of it. After about four years I left the Ashram. Again I returned in 1960. Three times I joined and in a way I consider myself thrice blessed. And at the last time—it was reported to me by a friend—when they were discussing my letter with the Mother, someone who was there said: "This man, when he is outside wants to come here, when he is here wants to go outside." Then Mother said, "What do you know about his destiny?"

I know that my destiny is with the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. When I read Vivekananda and Shivananda and all those literatures, I thought I would realize the Brahman in two or three years. The utmost limit I gave was five years. Now after turning to spiritual life more than fifty five years ago I think I am in the same place marking time. The only consolation is that my face is turned towards the Sun... the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. So I am satisfied. I am not worried how many births it will take to reach the goal. I am theirs, that's all.

In 1944 I wrote to the Ashram for a photograph of Sri Aurobindo. I never knew Sri Aurobindo would autograph the photo if one wanted. I didn't know all that. I just wanted a photograph and I got a photograph with Sri Aurobindo's autograph. That too I consider is an act of grace. I still have that photograph on my table. And then when the book 'Sri Aurobindo on Himself and 'On the Mother' came, I bought a copy and sent it through Prithvi Singh for Mother's autograph. When the book returned with the autograph of the Mother I saw a slip in it with the words: "Mahalingam of Thirunelveli" in Prithvi Singh's [handwriting]. That meant the Mother identified like that. To be in the Mother's mind is an indescribable grace. When I left the Ashram for the second time Mother asked Amrita: "Why this fellow is always running away?" Amrita told Her that I was the only earning member of the family and was very attached to the family and so though

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I would like to be in the Ashram I was leaving the Ashram. Then Mother asked him, "How much is he sending to the family?" Amrita said: "Fifty rupees a month." Those days I was a graduate teacher and the pay for a graduate teacher was just hundred rupees a month. And Mother arranged to send sixty rupees to my family. She did it so that I could be near Her which was my sincere aspiration. In those days, I had heard people in Pondicherry say that to join the Ashram one must give lakhs of rupees. So here is a case where the Mother gave money to a person's family to keep him with Her. So Mother somehow wanted me to be with Her. When I think of it, naturally, I am very grateful. The last time when I left the Ashram, I went to the Mother for Her blessings. Mother gave me a blessing packet and She Herself asked, "How many members are there in your family?" And then She gave each member a blessing packet. So Mother loved me and through me perhaps also my whole family.

As I said I have no extraordinary experiences, but I have seen the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, not only have seen them but heard them also, many times in my dreams. Generally I don't remember my dreams. But I clearly remember the dreams, even the small details, when I see the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. And even after waking up I would feel as if I had met them physically and its effect would be there for days. So I believe they were not just dreams; some part of my being had really come in contact with them.

Before coming to Sri Aurobindo I was a devotee of Sri Krishna. It started when I was a student in a Christian high school; I don't know how I got the book there—'Gopalan Bala Leelaigal'. I am sure it was not in the library. The school authorities were not just Christians but Christian bigots and 85% of the students were Christians and there were very few Hindu students. Suppose some student came with the Viboothi (a religious mark on the forehead sported by devout Hindus), they would ask them to wipe it out. They were intolerant. There was the name Hari in a school lesson. The teacher in my class didn't know that Hari was the name of God Vishnu of the Hindus and he read it as Harry. So it was impossible that I could get a book on Krishna from the library of that school, but from some other

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source. My devotion to Krishna thus started and it was always there. People told me, "When you come to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, you must forget about all other gods and goddesses." Even though I had read Sri Aurobindo's letter to Dilip (a senior disciple of Sri Aurobindo) where he has told him: "If you reach Krishna you reach the Divine. If you can give yourself to Him, you can give yourself to me." Still I had some doubt till Sri Aurobindo came in a dream and solved that problem. In the dream, Sri Aurobindo was standing before a big mirror and He called me and pointing to the mirror said, "Look." I looked at the mirror and lo, there was Krishna. And I looked in front of the mirror and it was Sri Aurobindo. Again I looked at the mirror, and again it was Sri Krishna. So after that dream all my worry about my devotion to Krishna coming in the way of my devotion to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother vanished.

In the Ashram they used to show films, opposite to the relief map of India at the Playground. Sometimes the Mother used to watch the movies sitting in a chair near there. Once I was sitting very close to the Mother and naturally I was not looking at the picture but only watching the Mother all the time. To remember things like this is to feel a great sweetness. How far I have progressed in yoga, I don't care much about all that. Let it take ten more or hundred more lives, I don't care. If I can remember and remain faithful to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, that is enough for me. When I pray at the Samadhi I only ask them to make me capable of more and more love for them. That's all, the rest I leave to them and I am happy. Let them give me the realization in Their own way and at Their own time.

While doing translation work,—more than 10,000 pages of works of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother have been translated— I just pray to the Mother to give me the capacity to do the translation well. And sometimes I get the right word. The word I may not have used for years and years but suddenly I would get that right word. Of course translation work is my Sadhana in a way. I can't sit in meditation. For the last fifty years, I have been trying to meditate and I have left it as hopeless. Most of my translations were collected works of the Mother and I would

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feel that I was listening to the Mother's voice. When I am doing the translation I feel deeply happy and satisfied.

** *

In one dream there was quite a long queue going to Sri Aurobindo and I went and joined it. Then Nolini-da came hurrying to me and asked me to leave that queue saying that that was not my queue and himself took me upstairs and put me up in a different queue where there were very few people.

** *

In another dream I was in Sri Aurobindo's room (not his room in the Ashram). He was writing something. I was standing behind Him and I looked over His shoulders to see what He was writing. He was writing my name in what looked like a visa paper.

** *

When I first joined the Ashram I was sent to an Ashram garden near Ariyankuppam. I was given a house to stay. Mother even arranged to get a cook from my native village to prepare for me the kind of food I was accustomed to. Once she visited the garden. She came to my house, went to every room, especially She minutely scanned the kitchen. She asked me if I was comfortable there and everything was all right. I was very much touched. See, I was quite new to the Ashram and didn't know anything about Her ways with Her children. My idea about an Avatar at that time was that He/She would be grand, far, and not easily accessible. So....

There was a poultry farm in that garden. I was in charge of it and I took the Mother to it. There, She noticed a young cock with blood wounds. He had got them while fighting with an older one. Mother took him in Her hands and caressing him said in a soothing voice, "Poor fellow!"

** *

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Pathamadai is a small town in Tirunelveli district. There they make mats of a very fine quality. It is called 'silk-mat' and in fact it is like silk. Generally mats are used in Tamil Nadu to spread on the floor to sit or sleep. But these mats are used as bed sheets. They are made from a kind of reed that grows only on the river-bed of Thambravarni. At the time of the wedding of Queen Elizabeth—then Princess Elizabeth—a specially made 'silk-mat' from Pathamadai was sent to her as a marriage present. When I first came to the Ashram I bought one 'silk-mat' from Pathamadai and offered it to the Mother. The Mother who loved beautiful things appreciated that such a beautiful article could be made from simple reed and the mat got a place in the Mother's room for sometime.

They who have looked on me, shall grieve no more.

Book XI

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