Darshan

4

"Will You Help?"

Subash

Vanakkam!

Unlike the earlier speakers in the series of talks on the Remembrance of Mother, I did not have any personal contact with Mother. I have not seen Mother in the context of Auroville or Ashram work, though I have had Mother's darshan in Her room on my birthday and with a group of Youth Camp participants, and Her balcony darshan seven times. So what I am going to talk is: how I came to Mother, and how She has been guiding me for the last 25 years.

I come from Madurai in Tamil Nadu and am an engineering graduate. When I was doing second year in the engineering college I became acquainted with Sri Aurobindo's writings. I liked his book, The Human Cycle', very much. That was in the 1960's and that was the decade when the Hippy movement was flourishing. Like them we were averse to social conventions and in practice did not care a bit about those conventions. I was already an atheist, a non-believer in God and rituals. So naturally and soon I was attracted to Communism, particularly to the leftist ideology. They were called Marxists then and they had a student's wing called Students Federation of India. Many of the students in our college became members of that Federation and worked for it. All the three students' associations in my college had got students from this Federation elected as Presidents of those associations. In the course of time as its member I read a lot of communist literature. I felt that some real intellectual in the Marxist movement should write about Communism in such a way that he should nullify all of Sri

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Aurobindo's arguments supporting spirituality and other similar things, which were very powerful and very hard to refute. Some Marxist politician with the name Arabinda Basu had written a 20-page thesis refuting Sri Aurobindo's philosophy. But it was neither interesting nor written intelligently. I strongly wished that someone with a greater intelligence than Sri Aurobindo should write refuting his arguments! And I was seriously thinking of becoming a member of the Communist Party after my studies were completed—I was preparing myself for that.

Then somewhere in 1970 a change occurred. I was in Bombay where my sister was living. Her husband had some connection with Ashram; he was supplying some bottles and bottle caps to the Ashram's Perfumery. He had got the Ashram calendar for that year from that department. I was in my sister's place on 1^st January, 1970—it was my birthday. As I wanted to be in my sister's house on my birthday, I reached there on 31^st December night. There, when I got up in the morning,—it was 10 a.m.— I saw that calendar with a picture. I did not know it was that of Mother as I did not know of Her then. The picture of Mother was there with a message for that year, "The world is preparing for a big change. Will you help?"

I liked those words. I mentally talked to that picture, "Oh, you appear to be a spiritual person! So, you must be wishing this change to happen in a spiritual way. But I want to be a communist. I like your message and I want to help. But I am ready to do it in my own way." In such an amusing manner I was mentally talking to that picture! The interesting thing was that only in that year the change occurred in me. Sometime in March of that year, after I came back to Madurai, one of my friends got a prize in a speech competition. He was given a small book as prize. It was 'The Mother' by Sri Aurobindo. He gave the book to me to read. I read it. When I read about the four aspects, I was very captivated, particularly by the portion on Mahalakshmi. I was reading that portion repeatedly. I could not help feeling after reading that portion that it could not be a trash or lie or humbug. It could not even be an imagination. One cannot mentally think and write like that unless one has experienced it. What was expressed in it must be true, a real thing. My deeper being was touched by the description of

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Mahalakshmi and somewhere deeply convinced of the truth of that writing. Even though I felt it was true, there was a wish in me to test the truth of the realisation of the person who wrote it, that is, Sri Aurobindo. This was due to atheism and rationalism of the communist part in me. I felt somehow this fellow should be tested. I referred to Sri Aurobindo at that time "this fellow". Only later he became for me Sri Aurobindo and Bhagawan. I reasoned thus: If he has realised spiritually and realised God through some methods, and if I also practice those methods I also should get the same realisation. Then his truth will be proved.

So I decided to try one of his methods. I came across it in Dilip Kumar Roy's book 'Sri Aurobindo Came To Me'. In that book Dilip Kumar Roy had mentioned about Sri Aurobindo's letter describing his experience of silencing his mind. I decided to try it. I was also a little afraid to practise that thing: what if something or other happened to me. But I gathered courage and decided to practise it. I fixed a certain date to practice it. I sat down for it. Sri Aurobindo had said in that letter: You can see thoughts coming from outside and entering you; before they enter you reject them. I tried it for sometime. I could not see thoughts coming from outside. I did not know how to do the thing. But during this time I found that a concentration on something helped prevent the thoughts from coming. I could not see the difference between rejecting the incoming thoughts and diverting the mind away from any thoughts. So without my knowing I started concentrating on the bearded figure of Sri Aurobindo because it helped in a simple way to prevent the thoughts from coming. Even though I wanted to do this as a test to prove the truth of the practice, I was, secretly and in the depth, convinced of the truth of the practice and wished to have the same realisation as Sri Aurobindo's. Actually there was a desire to have this realisation. This time the concentration was intense and I felt somehow I will get that realisation. The concentration on the figure lasted for one and a half or two hours. But I did not get that realisation. Instead something else happened.

At the end of two hours I felt an intense love, great warmth, for everything and it was growing more and more and enveloping

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each and everything. I saw the wall and felt a love towards it. I loved the floor, I loved the books, and I loved whoever was there. I could not give any rational explanation for this experience; but this love, this warmth was coming from within me. I was trying it everyday for 3, 4 days. Everyday this experience came and every time its effect lasted for several hours. In those 3, 4 days whatever hard feelings or negative thoughts that were in me towards people or things or events totally disappeared. All the strong opinions against rich people that communism nurtured dissolved. I could not explain this in any way except that I saw it arising from within me. Each time I had it I wanted to have more and more of it, to go deeper and deeper in me and merge with the source of it. The impact of this feeling lasted for more than 4 or 5 years. Only in that year I came to the Ashram.

Still I did not know that the Mother existed. I wanted to know more about Sri Aurobindo. I went to the Madurai University Library. A new section with books on mysticism had been added. An entire shelf consisted of books on or by Sri Aurobindo. On top of those books was Nirodbaran's 'Talks with Sri Aurobindo'. Nirodbaran, K.D.Sethna, Dilip Kumar Roy were all people like me, rational people who will be convinced of any thing only when they could personally experience it. Hence that book and similar other books struck a chord in me and I was able to empathise with their writings, with their thoughts. Gradually I learnt more and more about Sri Aurobindo and of course about Mother.

In August 1970 I came to the Ashram and had Mother's 'balcony darshan'. An intense aspiration was felt on seeing Mother. That intensity lasted in the same measure throughout my three days' stay in Pondy. In fact that intensity was the hallmark or landmark of my meditation. That is, when I meditate and get that aspiration, I would feel, "Oh, alright, I have succeeded in today's meditation." I wanted to have that aspiration again and again. I wanted to have it always. That aspiration was the sustaining force in my effort to move towards Mother; it was the guiding indicator for proceeding with things— intense aspiration, aspiration with a sense of guidance.

August 1972 came. In those two years gradually many things

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developed. I decided not to join the communist party and wanted to be part of Sri Aurobindo's work. The very day I decided I saw an advertisement in The Hindu in 'Letter to the Editor' column explaining how to join Auroville. It was inserted by Navajata on behalf of Sri Aurobindo Society. I wrote a request to him and he sent an application form. I filled it up along with my photos as required. My application was answered in January 1973 when Shyam Sundar forwarded it to Mother. He sent a postcard with the note "You will be happy to know that Mother had approved your joining. Be ready to work hard." Of course, I was happy. On March 1973, I came to Pondy and the rest is....

A lot of guidance was there and a lot of things happened in between. It would take a long time to narrate them. It will not be possible to do it in this session: there is no time for it now. So I would conclude by saying: I felt throughout guided by Her and that guidance was always got in the context of actual and active life. One method which I was practising regularly helped me in getting that guidance. It was the method of consecration. That was the method which Sri Aurobindo discovered as effective after 10 years of studying and testing his yogic practice. That is the method which He considered best for practising Integral Yoga in the context of life; it is the method of consecration. I am trying to apply that method for my daily activities for the last 15, 20 years and still I am proceeding with it.

Thank you.

A camp of God is pitched in human time.

Book VII, 5

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