Esha's recollections of some episodes of her life, as narrated to Nirodbaran in Bengali, who translated it in English. This is presented here in form of a book.
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Nirodbaran on Esha's story : Esha, the late Dilip Kumar Roy's niece, was a little girl visiting the Ashram when I came to know her through my niece Jyotirmoyee with whom she had become very friendly. She wanted to settle in the Ashram, but her mother did not want it as she was still a minor. When after many years she came to the Ashram again and stayed with Sahana Devi, I became more closely acquainted with her. By that time she had already married and obtained her divorce and had decided to settle here. I came to her help and made all possible arrangements for the purpose. Since then I have come to know her well and listened to her narration of the incidents of her life. As I found them interesting I began to note them down and was thinking of publishing them in Mother India when somehow she got wind of it and strongly objected to it. As I felt I had Sri Aurobindo's sanction for it, I did not listen to her. In spite of my disregarding her objection, luckily she did not stop recounting her saga. Of course she narrated it in Bengali and later I put it down in English as faithfully as I could. When the story began to appear in Mother India, she insisted more than once that I should stop it. My answer was that I believed it could be helpful to many readers and that Sri Aurobindo seemed to support me.
THEME/S
My mother's death burdened me with a heavy load of property and its management. You will be surprised to hear that I had to commit even illegalities under compelling circumstances because of my lack of worldly experience. And you will be even more surprised to hear that the Lord helped me out even here. Is it not that He looks into the heart of his devotee?
I had a very intimate friend from childhood, a distant relation, called M. She was very fond of me; it was like an obsession. We were almost twins eating, sleeping, going for walks together. She would not even get married because of the fear of getting separated from me; but my own response to her love was not as whole-hearted, because she had a strange antipathy towards God. As God was all-in-all for me, I could not understand this strong aversion. One need not accept God, but why such a revulsion? One day I was ready to visit Sri Ramakrishna's Dakshineshwar when she arrived. I invited her to come along but she immediately refused, "No, I won't go there." Similarly she would not come to Pondicherry either. Well, to each his own preference. Nevertheless, it was she who looked after the legal points concerning the property, making me free from all anxiety. One day her mother pleaded with me, "Look. You know all these years M didn't want to get married for your sake. You must do something before it's too late." I made M consent to marry. After her marriage she left for England. I was now extremely worried. Who would take charge of my legal papers, documents, etc.? She had asked me to send them over to England and she would return them after putting them in order. But that was hardly a practical solution.
Utterly resigned, I tried to look into the papers, but nothing entered my head. I called my son. He too confessed total ignorance in these matters. "Take them to the advocate," he bluntly advised. But that advice did not appeal to me. In this predicament I fell back upon my only refuge — my Thakur, the Lord who "never deserts his bhakta even when the whole world leaves him", as says a Bengali song:
The answer was not long in coming. As I was desperately struggling with the figures, my "Elder Uncle" arrived. (I shall introduce him in detail later.) He asked, "What is the matter? You look plunged in such dark despair! What are all these papers?" I told him. "Oh, is that all? Don't worry. I'll take charge!" What a relief! Since then, for so many years he has been looking after all these tangled affairs. He never fails to send me my monthly expenses. And he does all this without the least expectation from me. God knows what will happen when he is no more there. Sometimes that thought crosses my mind.
Now when M returned to Calcutta for a visit, she enquired about me from my son and was told that I was in Pondicherry. "Oh, then I will never see her again," she remarked. I did not feel sad about it, even though she had done so much for me. Someone harbouring such an abnormal feeling towards God is unbearable to me, however deep her love for me.
But why does she have such a strong aversion towares God? Is it out of fear? I don't know exactly. Maybe she has imbibed it from her parents. Because, I believe, it was with her father's help that my mother had taken me away from the Ashram when I was little. Her mother too harboured baseless bitter feelings against the Ashram. And both of them had to pay a very heavy price for it. M might have attributed it wrongly to the Divine Power whom the Mother and Sri Aurobindo represented. But it is a fact that they never inflict any punishment.
To all this Nirod-da commented, "I shall tell you an interesting story in this context. One day a young disciple came to see the Mother. He was in a bad mood. He began to abuse her as if she had done something wrong to him. The Mother remained absolutely quiet. After a few days, when he came again, his knee was bandaged and he walked with difficulty. Somehow he managed to do the pranam. While he was leaving, the Mother said to him, itals. "Listen, my child. Don't think that I have done anything to you. But there are Powers who do not tolerate such offences done to us."
Next time I shall narrate some more instances of God-haters known to me.
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