Esha's recollections of some episodes of her life, as narrated to Nirodbaran in Bengali, who translated it in English. This is presented here in form of a book.
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Nirodbaran on Esha's story : Esha, the late Dilip Kumar Roy's niece, was a little girl visiting the Ashram when I came to know her through my niece Jyotirmoyee with whom she had become very friendly. She wanted to settle in the Ashram, but her mother did not want it as she was still a minor. When after many years she came to the Ashram again and stayed with Sahana Devi, I became more closely acquainted with her. By that time she had already married and obtained her divorce and had decided to settle here. I came to her help and made all possible arrangements for the purpose. Since then I have come to know her well and listened to her narration of the incidents of her life. As I found them interesting I began to note them down and was thinking of publishing them in Mother India when somehow she got wind of it and strongly objected to it. As I felt I had Sri Aurobindo's sanction for it, I did not listen to her. In spite of my disregarding her objection, luckily she did not stop recounting her saga. Of course she narrated it in Bengali and later I put it down in English as faithfully as I could. When the story began to appear in Mother India, she insisted more than once that I should stop it. My answer was that I believed it could be helpful to many readers and that Sri Aurobindo seemed to support me.
THEME/S
Last time I told you that I would give some more instances about aversion to or unaccountable lack of faith in God. Here is another instance.
This one is about a very intimate friend of mine. She comes from a respectable family: educated, honest, upright, does not tell lies, nor does she do any harm to anybody — she is, in short, endowed with many good qualities. Still hers is a life of worries and wants which has made her bitter about God and she has lost faith in Him.
One day she was going somewhere in a bus — you know those double-decker buses in Calcutta — crammed with people. While getting down from the bus, the end of her sari got entangled in a wheel and she was dragged along the road. People noticed it and began to shout and scream, "Driver, driver, stop the bus!" When the bus finally stopped, her body was seen to have been hurt at many places and was smattered with blood. Part of her sari too had been torn away, exposing her body. A woman rushed to her and covered her with a shawl. She took her home, nursed her and had her escorted back to her house.
When I came to know about the accident I went to see her. What a pitiable condition I found her in! I had no words to console her. Dark questions disturbed me, "Why should such an honest person suffer in life while dishonest ones are thriving and enjoying themselves? How can one keep faith in God; is He there at all?" With such questions so many people inveigh against Him and and blame Him for their sufferings.
Relating the above to Nirod-da, I added, "There was another relative of mine who also turned against God because he had to face a hard life. Can you give a satisfactory answer to their questions?"
"All these are foolish questions, blaming God for all our troubles. Poor God, as Mother says. As if He has no other work than causing miseries to people for nothing. When they are happy, when they are fortunate, do they attribute it to God? However, tell me one thing. Is your friend whose sari got caught in the bus wheel really so honest and faultless?"
"I can't say that. She abuses her husband when she gets into a temper for his faults, however trivial they may be, just because the husband comes from a poor family and is below her social status."
"Well, you find there a clear answer to your question," Nirod-da said. "If you make others suffer, you have to pay for it. It is a simple rule of common sense. We need not go into philosophic problems to find an answer. Of all faults, bad temper is a grievous one. It makes life unhappy. If you had faith in God, at least you could have found some solace by praying to Him, but this lady had only herself to blame and therefore suffered. Where peace is lacking, all kinds of trouble, physical, vital and mental, are bound to occur."
"Let me give you however one bright instance of her honesty that may compensate for her other faults. My mother had a costly gold watch which she gave to my husband as a present. I wanted to have it in my hands for a while, specially because our relation was getting strained. He gave it to me. After a while, our divorce case started and I couldn't return it to him, though it rightly belonged to him. So I gave it to my mother for safe custody. But as she was not keeping well, she locked it in an almirah. One day, when I opened the almirah I found it missing. As Mother was not well we hushed up the matter.
"Later, after my mother's passing, I invited that lady friend of mine on the occasion of Mother's shraddha ceremonies. She came and expressed her condolences at Mother's death. While leaving she handed over the missing watch to me saying, 'Your mother had given it to me to get it repaired, cautioning me that as it was a very costly watch I should get it repaired in my presence. She asked me to keep the whole thing secret, even from you. I was so busy that I couldn't return it sooner. Here is the watch. I feel a great relief to be able to give it to you.'
"I was stunned. A watch worth two to three thousand rupees! She could have easily sold it and kept the money to make her financial position a bit easier. But she stood by her honesty. What a contradiction is man's life! In spite of so many virtues, one suffers but does not yield to temptation. One can't be blamed for turning one's face away from God."
"Yes, because it is easy to do so," Nirod-da commented wrily.
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