An extraordinary girl

“…Because I Love Sri Aurobindo”

My father died in 1938 at Calcutta when I was thirteen years old. Hearing the news, my uncle hurried there from Pondicherry. After a few weeks, my uncle, my mother and I left for Kashmir. I accompanied my uncle to Pondicherry for the November Darshan, while my mother went back to Calcutta.

It turned out, however, that there was no Darshan, for it was the month Sri Aurobindo met with an accident to his right leg. I quickly made up my mind not to return to Calcutta. I decided that if the Mother permitted, I would stay in the Ashram for good. I told my uncle of my decision, and it was perhaps he who spoke to the Mother about it. One day during my usual visit to her, she broached the question of my desire to stay and said, "If you knew that as a result your mother might commit suicide, what would you do?" I answered that I was ready even for that. Then she said, "All right, but don't write about it to your mother just now. You can have Jyotirmoyee as your companion — she will look after you."

I was extremely happy not only for her permission to stay, but for having been given Jyotirmoyee as my guardian. I had already struck a deep friendship with her during my earlier visit. We had grown very fond of each other even though she was almost my mother's age. She called me "Ma Moni" (jewel of a daughter), and I called her "Jyoti Masi" (Aunty). When she heard that I was to remain in the Ashram, and of the Mother's instruction not to inform my mother of it, she thought the matter over, and then told me I had better inform my mother all the same. Young as I was, I listened to her, forgetting the Mother's advice. This disastrous mistake brought about the greatest tragedy of my life.

As soon as my mother received my letter, she set out for Pondicherry with the intention of taking me back. She stayed with us for only one night and the next day shifted to a hotel. She did her best to persuade me to leave, but I remained

adamant. The situation was reported to the Mother. Meanwhile, the dilemma intensified. My uncle did not know what to do, but seemed to favour my mother's point of view. In the midst of the commotion and turmoil, Nolini-da came to our house and in front of my uncle said that he had come at the instance of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo because they had wished to know why exactly I wanted to stay in the Ashram. At this, my uncle asked me, "Do you know anything about yoga? Can you practise Sri Aurobindo's yoga?"

"No," I answered.

"Then why do you want to stay?"

"Because I love Sri Aurobindo."

My uncle seemed taken aback. Nolini-da simply replied, "It is enough; I will tell Mother about it." The Mother finally said, "Let her stay."

What happened next was such a perfidy and sacrilege as to be almost unthinkable. My mother, after every persuasion of her had failed, took the last drastic step: she filed a lawsuit in the French court against my uncle. She had been instigated to this course of action by a distant relative who happened to be an influential officer under the French Government in Chanciernagar, and who had no love for the Ashram. The charge filed was that I was a minor who was being held back by my uncle so that he might take possession of my property. My uncle was shocked beyond belief. Though I do not remember clearly, I think he had to appear in court, but in the end, inevitably, lost the case. So I had to go. The only saving grace of the whole affair was that the Ashram had not been involved.

Now I tried in my childish way to avoid leaving. I cried and cried. I played hide-and-seek with the police, concealing myself here and there, first under Sahana Aunty's bed, then under a staircase of the Ashram building. But I was discovered there, and Sri Aurobindo sent word that I should go. The Mother added that otherwise the police would enter the Ashram main building, so at last I had to yield. My uncle showered affection on me and with many caresses bade me farewell.

Thus I became the unwilling victim of a terrible sacrifice that cut me off from the Ashram for many, many years. Had it not been for the Mother's and Sri Aurobindo's loving guidance through many long and unhappy years, I believe I would have succumbed long ago.

What lay before me as a minor of thirteen was a vast unknown world, with none to guide me except my mother, who had understandably adopted a hostile attitude towards me and was, herself, quite inexperienced in worldly affairs.

I must, however, add that she and her ill-advised accomplice paid dearly for their act of perfidy.

I suffered complete banishment from the Ashram for about twelve years. Only Uncle's visits now and then brought a fresh breath of life. When I was able to renew my contact in 1949, I was already a married woman and the mother of a child. And it took me about another 35 years to get a permanent nook in Pondicherry.