An extraordinary girl

First Visit to the Ashram with My Son

Now let us return to the unpleasant story of my life. I shall later describe how my husband had been unfaithful to me but continued to live with me in my mother's house without our maintaining any marital relations. Soon our neighbours, having discovered his disloyalty, started criticising the fact that he still lived with us. Even my mother began pressurising me to cut all my bonds with him. But I was so afraid of losing the custody of my son in case of separation that I was prepared to tolerate not only the anomalous situation but my husband's occasional rudeness and taking other advantages as well.

To avoid his presence and find some relief from my mental agony, I left Calcutta with my mother and my son for Kalimpong. We stayed there for about six months and I wanted to prolong the stay, but people warned us that we would not be able to bear the coming winter, being entirely unaccustomed to the snowbound state of the mountains. So we were obliged to return to Calcutta. But as the same situation still prevailed there, I suggested to my mother that we leave immediately for Pondicherry. In this, I was motivated by a strong inner pull, which was unfortunately dampened to some extent by a feeling I had harboured for a long time that Sri Aurobindo was kind to me only because of my uncle, and that otherwise I was nothing to him.

In any case, my mother told Uncle, who was in Calcutta at the time, of our intention to visit the Ashram, whereupon he not only endorsed the plan but offered his house for our accommodation. The Darshan of November 1949 was approaching when we sent a telegramme to the Ashram for permission to come and, upon receiving a prompt reply in the affirmative, we set out for Pondicherry. When we arrived at the Pondy station, we discovered that, surprise of surprises, Nolini-da was waiting there for us with a car. He told us that the Mother and Sri Aurobindo had sent him with the vehicle and that we could indeed stay in Uncle's house. This gesture served to confirm me in my belief that we were receiving special attention only because of my uncle.

Meanwhile, Uncle too returned for the Darshan, and on that day he escorted our entire family, including my child, to the Ashram. Darshan by that time had been reduced to the sadhaks and devotees standing before the Mother and Sri Aurobindo for a brief minute — nothing more. But when my turn came, Sri Aurobindo fixed me with his penetrating gaze. I felt overwhelmed, almost suffocated, and inwardly cried out to him that I couldn't bear it. At once he lowered his eyes, and I was left to marvel at the dynamic power in his look.

The next day, Sri Aurobindo sent Nirod-da to me to ask how my son had been born with such a fair complexion when my own was darkish. The question took all of us by surprise, particularly my uncle, for he could not accept that Sri Aurobindo could take notice of such trivial details during Darshan. I could only answer that I did not know. No one in his father's family was so fair, and though my own mother was fair enough, it could not explain my son's complexion which was like a European's.

The following day, Nirod-da returned with the same question, Sri Aurobindo insisting that I knew the reason. I began to reflect. Then all of a sudden I remembered that during the child's gestation period, I had prayed fervently for a son and that he should have a fair complexion. Sri Aurobindo had granted that prayer. Now my uncle was more astonished than ever to hear that Sri Aurobindo had taken interest in such trifles. Further, Sri Aurobindo enquired through Nirod-da if the child could talk and hear properly. I answered that he could, but Sri Aurobindo said that I did not know. He said so because he knew somehow that my husband's family was hard of hearing. Then he advised me to approach Sahana auntie to teach the child how to speak. His legs were also somewhat knock-kneed.

We stayed in Pondicherry till the next Darshan in February which turned out to be my last, for Sri Aurobindo passed away the following December. No wonder I had felt such a strong pull to come to the Ashram.

Meanwhile my uncle found another occasion to feel put out. The first incident was in November. The Mother had asked me to take part in a dance performance during the 1st December celebrations. I was to dance with Anuben, she taking the part of Radha and I that of Krishna. When my uncle heard of it he strongly disapproved and wanted the roles to be switched so that I would dance as Radha. But the Mother emphatically stuck to her choice because I was taller than Anu, and the roles could not logically be reversed. The Mother took it upon herself to teach me the various movements and would come to my uncle's house for the purpose.

The Mother continued to follow my progress closely. For example, during a rehearsal in the Playground, she made the following correction. As Anu and I were dancing, involuntarily I kept bringing my hands together in front of my chest. In my childhood, as I have already related, I used to sleep with my hands folded upon my chest, in the gesture of pranam. After the rehearsal, the Mother called me aside and told me to avoid this movement. The more I tried to shield myself, the more the attention of the audience would be drawn to that part of my body, she explained. At the same time she assured me that she would advise those in charge to costume me gorgeously so that I would have no reason to feel self-conscious.

The day after the performance, I went to see the Mother. She met me on the stairs and expressed her happiness and satisfaction with my dancing by drawing me close and embracing me.

The saddest part was that my uncle refused to see the show. It was the first time I had performed without him there, and when I remarked upon it, he did not reply.

In February, we had to shift from his house to a certain Bhaskar Lodge in the town. There my son contracted measles and the Mother sent strict instructions that we must not enter the Ashram under any circumstances. After a week or so, my uncle asked the Mother if I could come to see her after taking the proper hygienic precautions. She granted the permission, but when he asked if my mother could come too, she refused emphatically. This ruffled my uncle who could not accept such a discrimination with equanimity.