Esha's recollections of some episodes of her life, as narrated to Nirodbaran in Bengali, who translated it in English. This is presented here in form of a book.
Sri Aurobindo : Contact
Nirodbaran on Esha's story : Esha, the late Dilip Kumar Roy's niece, was a little girl visiting the Ashram when I came to know her through my niece Jyotirmoyee with whom she had become very friendly. She wanted to settle in the Ashram, but her mother did not want it as she was still a minor. When after many years she came to the Ashram again and stayed with Sahana Devi, I became more closely acquainted with her. By that time she had already married and obtained her divorce and had decided to settle here. I came to her help and made all possible arrangements for the purpose. Since then I have come to know her well and listened to her narration of the incidents of her life. As I found them interesting I began to note them down and was thinking of publishing them in Mother India when somehow she got wind of it and strongly objected to it. As I felt I had Sri Aurobindo's sanction for it, I did not listen to her. In spite of my disregarding her objection, luckily she did not stop recounting her saga. Of course she narrated it in Bengali and later I put it down in English as faithfully as I could. When the story began to appear in Mother India, she insisted more than once that I should stop it. My answer was that I believed it could be helpful to many readers and that Sri Aurobindo seemed to support me.
THEME/S
7.5.1935
To Esha with our blessings.
I am not sending you away from here. I know that here only you can be really happy. I would have liked very much to keep you with me. But you are too young to be able to do as you yourself would like. You depend on your parents. Your mother is returning to Barrackpore and has to take you with her. So I have to let you go. When you are older you will be able to choose for yourself, then you can come here. Meanwhile remember me always as I will remember you always. I will always be with you there and I will try to make you see me. Be happy and become strong and wait till things are changed and you can come back to me.
With love.
The Mother
Esha
Mother said she would try to make you see her because it is not always easy for people to see her even when she is near them. It is also easier to see with eyes shut than with eyes open—though this too is possible — because it is a sight within you that has to open in order to see her. It is not necessary to call her for any fixed number of hours. It is enough if you love her always, remember her often, sit every day a little time before her photograph and call her.
You must never doubt that the Mother loves you and you need never weep for that, for her feelings towards you cannot and will not change.
Of course you can take the photographs given to you by the Mother and keep them with you there.
Sri Aurobindo
8.5.1935
It is not that because the Mother loves you she can show herself to your physical eyes at a distance. The physical eyes of men are not made so as to see in that way. It becomes possible only after long sadhana. First one sees with the eyes closed, because that is easier. When one is accustomed to see with the eyes closed, then afterwards it becomes more possible to see with the eyes open. So you should not be too eager to see at once in the more difficult way. It will come in the end, if you want it, but it does not come at once. Don't mind if it takes time. You must grow first more and more able to feel the Mother near you; that you can do by thinking of her and calling her often. Then seeing will become more easy.
9.5.1935
Do not mind about the time that it will take — one can't fix the time of these things beforehand. When you feel the Mother's presence more and more, when you begin to see her with the inner sight, then it can come.
It is better not to speak of the Mother to your friends — they do not know her, therefore they can take no interest in her. The more you live close to the Mother in yourself, the less you will need to speak of her to others.
P.S. You can of course take your temples with you.
We shall certainly write to you when you are over there.
17.5.35
Our blessings to Esha, our love and protection with her always.
Sri Aurobindo The Mother
Esha,
Always remember me as I will always remember you. My love and blessings will always be with you.
Dear little Esha
I have received all the nice things you sent me; the sari and the cloth for the blouse, the slippers and the frame -- they are all so very pretty.
Hoping you are quite in good health and happy.
Our love and blessings are always with you.
(Letters in Bengali from Sri Aurobindo)
10.5.1935
It is not necessary that one should leave home in order to call the Mother. One can do it remaining at home. Besides, the Mother doesn't like what you want to do in this connection. Because you are very young, you'll not be able to do it but you'll only suffer. And the Mother doesn't want you to suffer in any way.
No, it's much better that you remember the Mother within you, call her, in all circumstances, whether happy or unhappy, pray for her nearness, her help, her protection.
If you do that, then everything will be achieved.
13.5.1935
I don't know when you'll be able to come again — perhaps your father won't let you return so soon, don't be sad about it. Remember the Mother always, she will be always with you. Let this firm faith be awake in you that she is always with you and protecting you. You will try for three months, and if there are no results after that you will give up: that's not right. The main thing is: remember her and call her, however long it may take; as you go on doing it you will become conscious, feel that she is with you, and also see her.
14.5.1935
I am replying to your letter in Bengali. From now on I will do so. It is difficult to say what will happen in the future, but I hope that circumstances will be such that you will be able to come back to have darshan before long. Till then remember us and wait. The closer our inner relation becomes, the greater will be the possibility of your life being fulfilled.
17.5.1935
It is better for you not to go to a house where no one calls the Divine. But if you are sent there, even then call the Mother. If you can't do it any other way, do as you do now, silently in your mind — in such a way that nobody will understand or know. Then you will get the result of your calling the Mother.
28.5.1935
I have got three letters from you, but as I was busy with many things I couldn't answer them — today I am answering all the three together. It was known that it wouldn't be possible for you to come for darshan this time, it can't be easy to come twice within this short time. Don't be sorry, remain calm and remember the Mother, gather faith and strength within. You are a child of the Divine Mother, be tranquil, calm and full of force. There is no special procedure. To take the name of the Mother, to remember her within, to pray to her, all this may be described as calling the Mother. As it comes from within you, you have to call her accordingly. You can do also this — shutting your eyes you can imagine that the Mother is in front of you or you can sketch a picture of her in your mind and offer her your pranam, that obeisance will reach her. When you've time, you can meditate on her with the thinking attitude that she is with you, she's sitting in front of you. Doing these things people at last get to see her. Accept my blessings, I send the Mother's blessings also at the same time. From time to time Jyotirmoyee will take blessing flowers during pranam and send them to you.
16.6.1935
I've got your two letters. Remember what I wrote to you when you were here and remember the Mother with a calm mind, call her. At the beginning one sees the Mother by shutting one's eyes, can hear her words within oneself, but even that does not happen easily. Man sees the external form, hears external words and sounds — only what he sees and hears with his outer senses, that alone he sees and hears. To see or hear anything else is difficult for him, but the capacity for inner vision and hearing has to be opened, one has to try for it, it takes time. If it doesn't happen in the beginning, don't be sad. The Mother will always love you and remember you, one day you will have her vision and hear her voice. Don't be sorry, invoke the Mother's peace and force within you, you will feel her nearness by that.
4.8.1935
No, why should we be angry with you? I was very busy, there was no time to write. Even now I am indeed very busy because it is a darshan month. This time many people are coming for darshan. I hope your health will be better than it is now. You have written that you were ill twice recently — see to it that you keep good health. You have written that you will go to Ranchi. When will you go and for how long will you stay there?
Don't be anxious or sad because of the present condition. Remain calm and content, relying entirely on the Mother, wait for better times. One day you will certainly see her. Those who rely on her firmly and call her, they reach her at the end. There may be many obstacles and many upsets in life in this world, it may take time, but even then they will achieve nearness to the Mother.
Sri Aurobindo wrote the following letter when I was suffering from typhoid at Calcutta. Typhoid was at that time a very serious disease and had practically no effective treatment. Father was much worried. He consulted a famous astrologer who said after much deliberation, "I don't see any premature death of your daughter. Be consoled." But he was not to be consoled. My uncle, it seems, informed the Mother and Sri Aurobindo about my condition. But there was no improvement. One day I am reported to have said, "Why is there so much darkness in the room? Open all the windows." Father cried like a child, for it was bright daylight. Fearing that my end had come, he could not control himself. The doctor also gave up hope and left me in my delirium. My mother told my father: "Go to our Thakur's room and pray to him." He obeyed though he had no faith in God. I recovered after all and received this letter from Sri Aurobindo. It seems he said to someone that with much difficulty he had saved me.
26.12.1935
I haven't been able to write to you though I wanted to. Work doesn't become less, in fact there is always more of it, — if there is less work of one kind, other kinds pile up. While I'm trying to finish all this the night is already over; after that there is no time left to write letters outside the Ashram. It's the same today also, still I'm writing.
I see that both you and your mother have been very ill. I hope this won't happen again and all that has come to an end. This has happened in many places, here and also in the case of many sadhaks in Bengal. It hasn't been easy to control the situation and bring it to an end.
No, I am not angry with you, why should I be? Our love for you is undiminished, it will always remain so.
There is no time to write anything more, I shall do so later. Accept our blessings.
Love and blessings to my dear little Esha. (Added in English)
Here I include the last three letters written to me by Sri Aurobindo in 1936 during my stay in Pondicherry, and one more after I had returned to Calcutta. These complete all the correspondence I had with the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. There was another beautiful letter written in Bengali touched with sweet humour; it is missing.
17.5.1936
Why have you written that we are annoyed with you? We never were nor are we now angry with you, there is no reason for annoyance, you haven't done anything wrong.
Did you not get my letter yesterday morning? I certainly wrote to you, about our love, also that you would attain union with us. Anyway, I am writing the same thing again, we love you very much and that love will always remain unimpaired. Don't be sad or give any quarter to hopelessness in your mind. Foster this firm faith always in the mind — "I shall certainly attain union with the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, shall have their vision even though I stay far from them." Remember us always, look towards us always. Those who do so achieve unity with us, you will also do the same. And if you do this, it is very likely that there will be such a combination of circumstances that you will be able to come here and have our darshan. Come tomorrow definitely and see the Mother.
I could not reply to your letters because till now I had work all day every day. It is the same even now, but there is a little respite today, it being a Sunday; that is why I am writing a few lines.
Why do you feel sad if you think of us or see us in dreams? It should be a matter of joy that the Mother came to you in a dream. Don't allow yourself to be sad because you will not see us now. Remain calm, believing that the Mother is remembering you, loving you, is near you always; wait for the right moment; what obstacles are there now will not be there always.
Remember the Mother at all times, rely on her. If there is constant remembrance, one day you will see her, see her within yourself too.
Look, if I see you, will anybody else spare me? Won't they say, " You have seen Esha and you can't see us? What is this arrangement? Why this injustice? Aren't we also human beings?" And then when one hundred and fifty people will come crowding onto me, what will be my fate? Just think about it and tell me. -
I have to write a long letter in Bengali? Have I got that capacity or the time? I am at the end of my tether trying to write this small one, the night also is over. All right, this time I have somehow written in Bengali, but I warn you that I shall not be able to do such an exercise again.
I haven't been able to write to you for a long time — I wanted to but couldn't manage. This time more than seven hundred people have come for darshan — many came long before the 15th, many have stayed on even after that date till today, now they are departing. That is why there was a great deal of additional work. The Ashram work also increased a lot. It could not be finished in spite of working all day and night. That is why I couldn't write to anyone outside. Now it has eased a bit, I can therefore write this letter. But the decrease in work is very little. I still have a good deal of necessary work, can't finish it, can't find the time yet.
I can't understand why you haven't received Jyotirmoyee's letter and the flower sent by her — but you may have perhaps received the letter sent meanwhile, she must have given her own explanation.
I hope you are well. Even if you can't get fixed times to call the Mother, call her always and try to offer all your life and all your work to her.
*
There is another short letter written to Jyotirmoyee (in English) in 1931 asking her to forward it to my Calcutta address:
You can tell Esha that we have never been angry with her at all. If I don't write, it is because it has been practically impossible for me to write letters outside. Even the most necessary and urgent correspondence has been left unreplied for months together — this is due to a pressure I cannot avoid.
As for their coming here the Mother said that it was impossible to provide them with rooms in the Ashram. They would have to arrange outside. This is first because there were many difficulties last time, neither Maya nor Esha being accustomed to live as sadhaks here do and yet it is too difficult to ask special arrangements, but also because Dilip's rooms cannot be used this time and there is no other place that we can spare.
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