Painting as Sadhana

Correspondence (1937-1970)

Correspondence (1937)

20-Jan-1937:

Mother,
Yesterday I sent one copy done from Ajanta painting. I did it on a piece of wood which cracked a little while I was working on it, as it became wet by water-colours. I think some precaution should be taken to prevent it from cracking more due to weather. It can be fixed in the groove of a specially made frame. Can Chandulal see it and suggest anything?

Sri Aurobindo: It is a little difficult perhaps but Mother has asked Chandulal to do whatever can be done. Chandulal thinks it will not break any more.

*

Jan.1937:

Mother,
Herewith I send a card which can be given to Romen to-morrow.

Mother: The card is very pretty. I have sent it to Romen. Blessings.

*

Mar-1937:

Mother,
We have done portraits of Romen with his sitar. We wish to offer the pictures to Mother and at the same time to have more practical hints on portrait painting. We feel that we are lacking much in this line, and so Mother's guidance will be much helpful. If there is no inconvenience may we request for an interview when Mother finds time? [Signed also by Sanjiban]

Sri Aurobindo: As soon as it is possible, Mother will call you.

*

23.3.1937:

Mother,
Sometimes I want small pots of plants which I require to keep in my room for some days for drawing and painting. I have asked Manubhai and Jyotin. They have no objection. I shall keep them according to the instructions.

Sri Aurobindo: Very well.

*

27.3.1937:

Mother,
What is meant by 'difficulty' in our sadhana? And what is its nature?

Sri Aurobindo: The main difficulty in the sadhana consists in the movements of the lower nature, ideas of the mind, desires and attractions of the vital, habits of the body consciousness that stand in the way of the growth of the higher consciousness—there are other difficulties, but these are the bulk of the opposition.

*

10.6.1937:

Mother,
Since some 3 or 4 days I don't get sound sleep. A little of constipation is also there. And there remains nervous strain. I get some pain on the heart, I think, I don't know if it is on the chest muscles or inside.

Sri Aurobindo: You can consult Becharlal about the pain.

*

21.6.1937:

Mother,
I took medicine from Becharlal for the pain on heart. Pain stopped and so the medicine is also stopped. But now and then I get a little pain on the heart, but I am not inclined to take the medicine unless You find it quite necessary. I am attending to all my usual works, and going out for a walk as before.

Sri Aurobindo: It is not necessary to take medicine, I think.

K: But as yet sleeplessness is continued more or less. I get sleep very late—twelve or one o'clock or so. And in morning I wake up at about five and don't get more sleep. During day also I lie down but don't get sleep.

*

[Undated]: [end]

…I do not know how to relieve the strain on nerves. Lately I was remaining more reclusive. If that is the reason for this strain I think of taking a walk in the morning and do some outdoor sketching, and do sometimes studies with Sanjiban and like that come out from the seclusion. I would be happy to have your suggestions. I have done a picture and a study from nature which I will bring to You when I come next Friday.

Sri Aurobindo: Yes, Mother approves of this idea. It may release the tension of nerves and prevent the brooding on the suggestions.

*

29-6-1937:

Mother,
I asked Jwalanti whether she had time and no inconvenience to take my French lesson. She said that she was ready to help in such matters with Mother's approval. So may I know what You think about it?

Mother: You can go.

K: If you approve she has given me time on Tuesday and Friday at 11am to go to her place.

Mother: Since some time I wanted to tell you that the cards you are sending me daily are very good. I shall use them to send the blessings of 15th August to France and elsewhere.
With my love and blessings.

*

6-7-1937:

Mother,
Now I don't remain in the nervous strain as before and so am getting better sleep than before though not quite sound. But I find that more or less like a cinema-film ideas come of how I am injured, how I was given blows in the vital, and so I feel repulsion against the persons who did that and still show in some way the same attitude. When I received the blows I could keep quiet and firm, but now I don't know why those things rise and go on. I wish I should be free from such repulsion towards any person.

Sri Aurobindo: When these thoughts arise, there should be no acceptance, and as far as possible the mind should pay no attention to them and turn away elsewhere. I do not mean to struggle with them for that will only bring strain, but to detach yourself from them, refuse to regard them as your own, ignore and not attend to them, as far as possible.

*

8-July-1937:

Mother,
I was told by somebody that I was going on indulging in my desires—especially sex impulse—under the pretext of my weakness. About this weakness I have written to you quite in the beginning and again I had a talk with you when I confessed it. As far as I am conscious of this confession to you or to some whom I trust as friends I never wanted to cheat them, i.e., behind the confession wanting to continue my desires. But I may be mistaken in this, so I think it best for me to put it before You and be sure of my confession.

Sri Aurobindo: The question is whether there is any indulgence of the desires or not. If you do not give them any indulgence however slight in action, if you keep away from all opportunities for stumbling etc, then it is all right. Then there is the inward indulgence, attachment, etc.—if you sincerely reject that from within, then it is all right.

*

6.8.1937:

Mother,
Sometimes when I go to sleep at night I find some disturbance. As if the consciousness is covered up, I fall asleep for a short time and all of a sudden I wake up and find myself suffocated and helpless as one would feel when drowned. Last night it was more. During daytime I don't find any disturbance; but to-day in the morning meditation I went in that suffocated condition. Can this be due to my going to the hospital for the ear-treatment?

Sri Aurobindo: It is not likely. This kind of attack is often due to a resistance somewhere in the being. When it comes you should call in the Mother with a will to get rid of the resistance and open.

*

27.9.1937:

Mother,
I have finished two pictures which I want to bring to You. I will be very glad if You allow me an interview if possible at Your convenience.

Mother: The end and the beginning of the month are very busy times for me, but as soon as it is possible I will call you.

*

Oct. 1937:

Mother,
I have received an invitation for sending pictures to an exhibition to be held at Karachi in December under the auspices of the Gujarat Sahitya Parishad. They undertake to take care of the things and send them back carefully. I put it for Mother's consideration.

Mother: How do you intend to send the pictures? will somebody take them there? Apart from that, no objection. Blessings.

*

Nov. 1937:

Mother,
Pictures can be sent to the exhibition by post or railway. They should be sent without frames, so that they can be rolled and packed in a roll made of thin tin plate. This is what I think if You approve of it.

Mother: Will they not pay customs? If not, it is all right.

*

29-11-1937:

Mother,
I have not written any prices for the pictures of Karachi exhibition. If You mean to put them for sale I may write their prices.

Mother: It is better not to sell the pictures. Blessings.

*

(Dec.1937): [end]

…come down? Why was this movement? And what was it that I had to come in the normal consciousness and not expand or not go up and receive from above?

Mother: It was the vital ascending to join the higher consciousness. The pressure was necessitated by the resistance in the outward being. In such cases one must remain very quiet and fearless so that the movement can complete itself.

Correspondence (1938)

(1937-1938?):

Mother,
Herewith I send Kamala's drawing book for You to see. I would like to know how you find her work.

Sri Aurobindo: Mother finds that she is doing very good studies.

*

(8.1.1938):

Mother,
Yesterday I went to Nakashima to give him the money. As he had told me before, I had to give him Rs.15 but now he said that it was only Rs.7, which sum he did not like to take. I pressed him for it but he did not want to accept it. So I return the whole sum to you. As for the two books, shall I give them to the library? I wish to keep them with me only if you permit me to do so.

Mother: You can keep the books—but if somebody wishes to see them, I will send him or her to you.

*

11/1/1938: [end]

…have instructions. If it is possible may I request for an interview at your convenience? [pencilled here "(oil paintings)"]

Mother: I will let you know as soon as I shall have some time. P.S. I have given your list of requirements to Chandulal who will do the needful.

*

18.Jan.1938:

Mother,
Last night I got disturbed and could not sleep well. When I went to sleep thoughts began recurring at random. I tried to keep quiet but on the contrary got a strain on the nerves and heaviness in the head. I woke up very soon due to some sounds of the procession in the street. And the thoughts began to move again. Also the thoughts of losing the balance of mind began. I got up, walked in the room for some time trying to be quiet. Again I went to sleep. I had some dreams and after about an hour woke up and the disturbance continued like the first time. After some time again I slept; this time I woke up twice but there was no disturbance.
I have not found any cause for that in my outward dealings.
Since some time I find that thoughts go on moving. I try to remain quiet and aloof from them, but sometimes succeed and sometimes get strain on the nerves. Thoughts are not of anything in particular. Yesterday I had the thoughts about painting and also I saw some colour schemes but then everything began to muddle up with the heaviness in the head. I don't understand as to where the defect lies.
P.S. Sometimes in sleep I feel going on what I have talked or read during daytime.

Mother: Why do you get upset about such things? Do not worry about them and they will lose their power. Blessings.

*

18.4.1938:

Mother,
Since 15 or 20 days I find that I remain fatigued. During day-time I work in G. office but due to the fatigue in the body I can't work steadily. Before evening I am completely exhausted. In my food and sleep I am as usual. I don't find the cause of this weakness. I am interested in the work also.

Mother: You may need a tonic. You can ask Nirod for one. Blessings.

[Nirod gave him Melatone, but ten days later, he (Nirod) wrote to Sri Aurobindo, "Melatone didn't give him much good effect. As it looks like nervous fatigue, Kola may do him good. If you have any more Nergine, he could resume it, perhaps." But Mother's stock was over.]

*

6/July/1938: [end]

These pictures seem to have been done by some artists of Rajput tradition. Mr. Raymond has presented to me his new book on architecture. I think of presenting to him four or five of these pictures.

Mother: It is all right.

*

20/Sept/1938:

Mother,
The pictures which were sent out for the exhibition [to Karachi in Dec. 1937] have come back. They were carelessly handled and so are torn in some places. One of the big landscape-pictures is torn much near a corner and also in the middle. I shall try to repair them. I think of showing them to:– Sunderanand, Mr. & Mrs. Sammer, Jwalanti, Krishnamurthy (who comes for pranam), Jyotindra, Pujalal, and perhaps a few more ashram people. I may arrange them in my room for one day if you approve of it.

Mother: Yes, it is all right. [signed]

*

Oct.1938:

Mother,
Since to-day morning I feel a little feverish. My legs and joints ache. I may take medicine if you find it necessary.

Sri Aurobindo: Yes, you should have it treated.

*

17.10.1938:

Mother,
I saw one enlarged photo of Sri Aurobindo with Jatindra. I would like to have one like that. Will you kindly permit me for one? If you sanction, Jatindra says, it can be ordered from Bengal.

Sri Aurobindo: Yes.

Correspondence (1939)

13 Feb 1939:

Mother,
Harivadan, my brother, asked for a copy of "Conversations with Mother" some time back which you kindly gave him. He writes to me now that he wants to come and stay here for about a month and a half during his May vacation. He asks for your kind permission.

Mother: Yes, he can come. Blessings.

*

[Undated]: [end]

Will you kindly let me know whether Jwalanti can teach Sanjiban also?

Mother: Yes, she can teach you both together.

[On 13th May, Krishnalal and Sanjiban went to Madras. They returned on the 16th.]

*

16-5-1939: [end]

…in mind. [Here, in pencil "(about Harivadan)"] I had to be very strict internally against this attitude of his, because it seemed that he showed some vital cunning which was fatiguing me and Jayantilal. And I found it necessary to part from him as soon as possible. I had some faith which kept up my resolution that he can go alone to Bombay, so disregarding all his apparent weaknesses I sent him off. May I ask you what you think about my attitude and his safe travelling?

Mother: You did all right. What you felt was quite correct and the attitude you took was the best to bring to him a prompt recovery. Love and blessings.

*

3-8-1939:

Mother's chit: Krishnalal I would like to have on a card the drawing of the palm tree in the courtyard of the Meditation House. Can you do it? Blessings.

*

4.8.1939:

Mother's chit: Krishnalal, The palms are both very good.
My love and blessings.

*

6-10-1939: [end]

…to take because she is… [rest is torn] [Here, in pencil "(about Kanta's English lessons)"] May I ask you if there is any objection?

Mother: It is better not to do it for several reasons.
My love and blessings.

*

19-Oct-1939:

Mother,
I want white cards for sketching work. Shall I ask from prosperity?

Mother: Yes Blessings

*

[On 24 February,1940, Champaklal gave Sri Aurobindo a book with some pictures by Krishnalal's brother, Harivadan who had passed away in Ahmedabad on 22 December 1939, of severe burns. Seeing a photograph of him in which his head was bandaged as a result of a lathi charge during the Non-cooperation Movement:]

Sri Aurobindo: He looks as if he was suffering. He was predestined to die as he did. …His past Karma required some such experience. …Not Karma in the ordinary sense. It is his psychic being, his soul, that had to pass through such an experience in order to exhaust some Karma left over.

[Nirodbaran, Talks with Sri Aurobindo, Vol. 1, pp. 478-79]

*

[20 August 1940. Krishnalal had drawn a horse. Satyendra remarked that the horse had checked the German onslaught. In the Indian tradition the vahana or vehicle of kalki, the last Avatar, is said to be the horse.]

Sri Aurobindo: Yes, Krishnalal is very apposite and has some power of intuition. Just when the Germans began their attack, he painted an eagle, as if swooping down on its prey, and then there was the monkey picture representing the refugees. The picture of the goat represented the English waiting for the attack and now the horse. He has a remarkable gift in drawing animals.

[Nirodbaran, Talks with Sri Aurobindo, Vol. 2, p. 859]

*

September to November 1940: Gujarat

On 30 August 1940, Krishnalal wrote to the Mother that his mother was seriously ill. "She is remembering me and wants to see me once. If you permit me I may go."
The Mother replied: "Do just as you like."
On 1 September Krishnalal left for Gujarat and returned on 21 November, spending 81 days outside his guru-griha arriving where in 1933 had been, in his words, the beginning of his "real journey… a life and progress in the true direction". Why then did he submit to the family's call when, as his correspondence so far shows, his attitude to and relation with them had undergone a complete change and he was progressing both in Art and in Yoga?

Of course, the call of one's mother has been irresistible even for great yogis, and the recent death of his brother Harivadan, just six months after he had spent his May vacation at the Ashram, may have raised a fear that his mother may not survive this illness. Also, his wife, though currently with him, was ailing from a sickness that, in those days, brought great mental stress along with physical suffering and always swiftly reduced one's life-span. The pressure of family pulls was undoubtedly extremely strong.

But had he forgotten the Mother's and Sri Aurobindo's replies when he asked them how to respond to the family's requests, demands etc.? "You might answer to this effect that you do not think that you could be of any help by going there, and that you think that whatever help can be given, can better be done from here than from anywhere else." (The Mother)—"These difficulties and the reproaches also are inevitable for a sadhak coming away from his family. If he wants to stay here he must be prepared to face them and live them down. Many have had to do that before you." (Sri Aurobindo). More importantly, Sri Aurobindo had categorically stated that the difficulties that visited his loved ones had "No relation" with his staying here for his sadhana. In January 1934, on hearing about the news of the death of his child and a brother's declaration to cut off all relations with him for his "callousness", he had asked what should be his "attitude as a sadhak in both matters".

Sri Aurobindo: "The right attitude is perfect equanimity and faith that the Divine's Will is always for the best."

Again, he had told the Mother that even under great difficulties his mother always maintained her calm because of her great faith in God and her regular religious practices, and that whenever memories of his past relations with family and friends revived he could "very soon become conscious of them and reject them". Finally we have this significant exchange in April 1934. Admitting that because he had been "strongly attached" to them "sometimes I have the idea that they might be suffering a little more due to my absence", he had asked, whether, by rejecting their requests had he not become unduly "harsh and indifferent" towards them. Sri Aurobindo had replied, "When one enters the spiritual life, the family ties which belong to the ordinary nature fall away—one becomes indifferent to the old things. This indifference is a release. There need be no harshness in it at all. To remain tied to the old physical affections would mean to remain tied to the ordinary nature and that would prevent the spiritual progress."

But if the family ties and pressure were under control, what then succeeded in pulling this dedicated sadhak-artist at this stage of his progress?

There is a clue in the incident of his going out to Gujarat in May-June 1936 to hold exhibitions of his paintings in Ahmedabad and Baroda. So did the artist get the better of the sadhak then? Possibly not, for there is Sri Aurobindo's reply to his question in January 1936: "Of course everybody is here for Yoga and not for painting. Painting or any other activity has to be made here a part of Yoga and cannot be pursued for its own sake. If it stands insuperably in the way, then it has to be given up; but there is no reason why it should if it be pursued in the proper spirit, as a field of and for a spiritual growth or as work done for the Mother." And there is his own statement published in Kumar that it was only at Pondicherry that his paintings had begun to express "an added element which I could never have obtained in Gujarat" and he could turn "towards symbolic paintings", because it was only Sri Aurobindo and the Mother who "perceived my inner movements and began to turn me towards the true nature of Art. But it was not at all easy to turn that way. Outwardly I knew nothing about Yoga. I used to even think, 'I am an artist; spirituality is not for me.' It was difficult to pull me out of this, but it was because of the devotee in my nature that it was finally made possible. Gradually, I immersed myself in the atmosphere of the Ashram. But the difficulty of progressing in my art still remained. I managed to accept the new lifestyle of the Ashram within, but to bring out its influence in my art took a long time. The sanskaras, thoughts, techniques etc. with which I had begun my training had established themselves inside and kept swallowing up whatever new things were coming in. How much of an obstacle the narrow viewpoints and methods one has learned can then become, can be known by one who has to go through this experience. Things that had made a home in my nature refused to leave. But under the influence of the new Force, it has been finally possible, and my pictures have, thanks to it, acquired a new element."

*

On 21st November 1940 Krishnalal returned to Pondicherry. His talks with Ambubhai led the latter to mention to Sri Aurobindo (during the evening talks upstairs on 5 December) how Nanda-babu's devotion to Gandhi had taken him to Porbundar to visit the room the Mahatma was born in. And how, while Nanda-babu failed to accept the current European forms of art, he accepted Gandhi's opinion that art must appeal to the average man to be true Art.

Sri Aurobindo's comment: These two influences unfortunately work for the deterioration of Art. One is this modernist spirit and the other this popularisation, that is, vulgarisation of Art. People very often forget that the tendencies seen in modernist poetry, painting, sculpture etc., and the rise of Hitler are not isolated but connected phenomena. They come from a common origin. Writers like Leonard Woolfe complain that "the barbarian is at our door", but they forget that it is they who put the barbarian in power by insisting on the importance of the average man. The average man, if you give him rights, will put such men as Hitler and Mussolini in power. These people themselves are average men—Hitler is nothing but an average man gone wrong.

*

24-Jan-1941: [end]

…for me. He is ready to take once a week. ["(Learning Mathematics)" is pencilled here.] Kindly let me know whether you approve of my studying the subject? And if so whether I can do it with Chandulal?

Mother: Yes, you can study with Chandulal.
My love and blessings.

*

October: [Krishnalal's mother passed away.]

(His father passed away on 31 December 1945. On 23 May 1946 he had to leave for Ahmedabad with Kanta who was severely ill. After a fortnight in Bombay he took her to Poona but a fortnight later they had to return to Ahmedabad where she passed away.)

*

9 Feb.1955:

Mother,
From Ahmedabad my brother and some friends are eager to hold an exhibition of my paintings. I think it better to have the exhibition, not only of my paintings, but those of all the artists of the Ashram. The photographic section also may be included. So it will be an exhibition of the cultural activity of the Ashram. If Mother thinks it can be done then I may write to them showing our willingness. If it is to be held it will be in the month of May (1955). It will be convenient at that time because they are going to celebrate the 60th birth anniversary of Purani. I will propose to them that they should organise and bear the expenses. It is likely that other centres in Gujarat connected with the Ashram may want to hold the exhibition. I think if we select 125 or so, paintings and photographs, that will be alright. My brother insists on my presence there during that period. I think it would be better if someone of us here goes with the paintings so that they are handled properly.

Mother: It is better if I speak to you about it.
Tomorrow (Friday) morning at 8.30.
Blessings

*

[The touch of Sri Aurobindo in their lives in December 1907 turned Chhotubhai and Ambubhai into such powerful dynamos that many who came in contact with them were deeply influenced. Although they could no longer personally lead it, their Mandal continued to dedicate itself, as best it could, to their ideals. Here was an occasion—completing sixty (Shashtipoorti) is, traditionally, an occasion for celebration—every member was determined to contribute his utmost. The main events were held in Baroda where the movement was born, but Ambubhai visited all the major centres and so did the exhibition. At Ahmedabad it was put up in a large new building built for such public expositions. There is no record in the Ashram Archives of Krishnalal ever leaving the Ashram after 1946.]

*

29 February 1956: The Supramental Manifestation.

One day in this month, Promode Kumar Chatterjee (Krishnalal's old teacher who till now knew nothing about the Ashram) "saw a vision, too vivid to be forgotten. A pair of divinely beautiful swans, golden, was streaking through chidakasha (the ether within the heart) at dawn. An artist to the fingernails, the first thing he did when the beatific vision faded was to make a pencil-sketch of it. Later on he applied the colours. Although he found this vision rather remarkable, he had no idea that he had become an unconscious witness to a momentous happening."

Promode Kumar would come to the Ashram, for the first time, in October 1958, when along with many of his other creations, he would show the Mother this painting which he had called 'The Two Swans'. She "put him wise, and, to the obvious delight and astonishment of the painter, she spontaneously wrote, then and there, the caption of the picture on its lower margin, Les annonciateurs du monde Supramental—The Heralds of the Supramental World." She had the painting printed at the Press as a card, and distributed copies at the Darshan of 21 February 1960.

*

29 March 1956:

The day of the Mother's arrival and meeting with Sri Aurobindo in 1914. At the time of Pranam, she distributed copies of a print of 'The Golden Purusha', (a painting done by Krishnalal in 1934), captioned with the following lines typed in French from her Prayer of 25 September 1914:

The Lord has willed and Thou dost execute:
A new Light shall break upon the earth.
A new world shall be born,
And the things that were promised shall be fulfilled.

(Later Mother made some alterations in the message and distributed it on 24 April in 1956. (See Mother India, November 2004, pp. 1008–1017.)

*

4 April 1956:

The day Sri Aurobindo arrived in Pondicherry in 1910. The Mother distributed at Pranam copies of a print of Krishnalal's painting of the red lotuses with the following sentence from one of Sri Aurobindo's letters as caption:

The Supramental is a truth and its advent is in the very nature of things inevitable.

*

24 April 1956:

The day of the Mother's arrival in 1920—a Darshan day since 1939. The Mother distributed at Pranam the following message:

Without care for time, without fear for space, surging out purified from the flames of the ordeal, we shall fly without stop towards the realisation of our goal, the supramental victory.

*

24 November 1956:

The thirtieth anniversary of Sri Aurobindo's Siddhi Day. The Mother distributed at Pranam a card with a painting by Krishnalal of a vision he had seen while meditating on the Mother's message of 24th April quoted above. Beside the vision—a slender human figure emerging from a universal fire and soaring up towards a golden sun beckoning from beyond a remote peak—was printed her message of 24th April written out by her.

*

1960

Mother: Krishnalal, You can give to Jagadish [Pandya, a young Ashramite] what he needs to do some drawing and let me see what he does. If he has some gift, we shall help him. But the best would be if he learnt technical and engineering drawing.

*

13.12.1960:

Mother,
Mrs. Tompkins asked me if I could do Mr. Tompkins' portrait. I have done it and am sending it to Mother to see it.

Mother: It is all right. Blessings

*

1 Mar.1962:

Mother,
It seems definite that Vasudev will be relieved from his present work. He is going to depend upon Mother's decision for his future work.
If Mother has not decided any work for him as yet we have a proposal for Mother's consideration.
We need one person to organise: 1) the picture store, where drawings and paintings are increasing more and more. 2) The painting materials. 3) Occasionally the theatre work and exhibitions. 4) When the art-gallery will be ready he may be given charge of it.

Pranam
Jayanti
Krishnalal.

Mother: Very good. I fully agree.

*

10-8-1962

Mother [on a card on which is printed in black, in Gothic script]

God speaks to the heart, when the brain cannot understand him.

To Krishnalal
with love and blessings.

*

[10th August 1933 was the day Krishnalal first stepped into his guru-griha*—the ultimate home of every seeker. His diary entry of 1933 reads:*

In one and half years of my acquaintance with Leelavati-ben [Mrs. Purani] at Ahmedabad, higher sentiments for Art and Yoga were awakened in me. I turned towards Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. A scrutiny of my past life made me feel the help of an Unknown Force. And I was made to feel that Sri Aurobindo's Yoga was the only true path for me. I also got some spiritual experiences under her guidance. Finally, with the help and guidance of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, I could leave for Pondicherry, in spite of very adverse circumstances, for Their Darshan.

August 10, Thursday: I got down from the train at Pondicherry in an emotionally charged condition. After booking in the hotel, as I was making arrangements for my bath, Ambubhai came. I was seeing him after many years. His ways of talking, his style of walking were still the same, but with something powerful added—the light of Yoga. I had suppressed my emotions about my leaving Ahmedabad since the last three days. They gushed out in the afternoon in Nanubhai's room in a cascade of weeping. Now I am at peace. I did not receive permission for the Mother's Darshan today. But I saw Her as a shadowy figure dressed in green-coloured clothes in the pale evening light when She came out to walk on the terrace. The food here is very simple, tasty and nutritious. Though there is no allure of strong spices, I have taken to it as if I have been eating it since a long time. Ambubhai took me for a walk in the evening and I understood that gradually he is trying to influence me to remain here for a long stay. I also met Pujalalbhai in the afternoon. He still remembers our family with great warmth and affection.

August 11, Friday: I had sent a note last night requesting permission for the Mother's Darshan. Accordingly I received it today. There is no ritual as such for the pranam. Mother was distributing flowers to everyone from the terrace. Instead of going to receive the flower, I took a good position for observation. I have no words to describe Her. A person of a delicate build, a smiling face like that of the Goddess of Compassion. A chaitanya (Consciousness) from which world? I cannot understand.]

*

12 Jan. 1965:

Mother,
Bharati-di wants to publish a book in French of Indian mythological and other stories. She wants to have it published in a foreign country—Japan, France or Sweden. She wants to have it illustrated by me, because there are many stories with animals and birds as characters. Satprem had approached me on behalf of Bharati-di and suggested about my taking up this work. I do not have time enough to attend to that work, so I agreed on condition that I may do the illustrations gradually as I find time. I have illustrated 5 or 6 stories, out of 38, which she has liked. I send them herewith to show to Mother. I think she will get some royalty on the book. The publishers also pay for the illustrations. We have not yet talked about the remuneration for this work. If some money is earned through this work it may be helpful in furnishing the studio.

Mother: It is all right. Blessings

*

[Undated]: [end]

File with 'B' will have numbers B.1, B.2, B.3, etc., and so on with all the files. In this system the advantage will be that any new flower-plate can be added at the end in its own particular file, instead of at the end of the whole lot. E.g. if the new flower is 'Divinité' and we have 50 plates in the file 'D', then the plate of 'Divinité' will be numbered D.51. In the new edition of "Le Rôle des Fleurs" corresponding numbers of these files can be introduced. Richard is ready to help in rearranging the numbers.

Mother: Very good. You can do so. I have already asked for the necessary files for the arrangement. Blessings.

*

11-11-1965:

Yesterday at noon-time I was resting—not in deep sleep. In dream or in an experience I heard someone knocking at one of my closed windows on the road side. I did not pay attention. It was as if somebody had come to the open window from the other side. I did not see anybody but I felt I was lifted swiftly and carried up in the lying down position in space—nothing was there. I had become very big in size. I was being turned round and round [sketched in the margin is an arrowed whirling-circle—the arrows pointing to its movement from the inner smaller to the outer larger circles] vigorously. I felt as if I was merging in the space. At that moment I became conscious of a slight fear of the whole movement. But soon I decided to allow it to continue. But the movement slowed down and I was brought down and laid in my original place and position.

(Compare this to his experience of the day he received the news of the death of his child and of his brother (whose calls for a visit he had not satisfied) cutting off the relationship: "…I thought it good to remain quiet. So I went to my room and began to aspire for peace. After some struggle my mind was thrown in the background, and I felt my head very light and cool. I felt also Mother's presence and her aspect in vision—there were different lights and visions too. In between, I had lapses when some hostile atmosphere was trying to attack me especially a black shadow was covering the right side of my body. By asking for Mother's help I was protected from all that. One hour passed like that, still I tried to separate myself and go deep. And quite a new experience, for me, began. My physical body seemed to be sinking somewhere and becoming smaller and smaller and some body like a vibration separated and seemed to be revolving just over the physical body. I felt a great pressure of that vibration as if it will break me down. At that time I remembered that I had such experiences before when I used to suffer from fever. The vibration-like body seemed big like an elephant in proportion to my physical body which was like that of an ant."

Sri Aurobindo: "The experience must have been that of your vital being coming out of the body and standing above it.)

Was it to be continued without fear?

Mother: It is always better not to fear. Without the fear you would have known what to do or even done the right thing without thinking about it. —Blessings.

*

[?June]:

Mother,
I pray for Mother's Blessings On my birthday the 1st July with pranam Krishnalal.

Mother: Yes. [This is a small handmade paper (h.m.p.) folder: On the left flap is a line-drawing of a man (in brown water-colour), his arms stretched sideways-downward-oblique, standing over a curved line also painted brown signifying, obviously, the earth. Overhead is the Mother's symbol, small and golden, from which rings of gold clouds rise up to descend as waves growing larger and larger, while golden rays are flashing out from the symbol. On the right flap are Krishnalal's prayer and the Mother's writing: 'atheist'.]

*

27.12.1969:

Mother,
I have prepared Blessing-cards for offering on the New Year day. May I come on the 1st January for offering and Pranam?

Mother: All right Blessings [This is a white h.m.p. card cut-out in the form of a rose; darker pink lines stress the petals.]

*

29.3.1970:

Mother,
Let me grow more and more in Mother's consciousness.
with pranam
Krishnalal

Mother: Love and blessings.