Talks by Vasudha

Talk on 4-April-1975

Given at 10.40 a.m. in the Hall of Harmony to the Students of the Sri Aurobindo International Centre of Education

I have been asked to tell you something about the Darshans. I can tell you how the Darshans used to be from the 21st February 1928 only, because that was the first Darshan I had of Sri Aurobindo.

There were three Darshans a year. We called them Darshans because we used to see Mother and Sri Aurobindo together. We saw them on 21st February, 15th August and 24th November. We saw Sri Aurobindo only thrice a year but from very close. We went near him, did Pranam to him and he blessed us with his hand on our head.

My first Darshan was in the Meditation Hall upstairs.

There is a big sofa there even now — Mother and Sri Aurobindo used to sit on it and give us Darshan. At that time we were very few in the Ashram, and very few visitors were permitted for Darshan. The day previous to the Darshan, or two days in advance, the list of the names of all those who would be going for it was made and put up in the hall downstairs for everyone to read. One copy of it used to be with Sri Aurobindo at Darshan time. According to the order in which the names were written in the list, we had to go, and when Sri Aurobindo saw a new person coming he took up the list to see who that person was. I have still with me the list of the names of the people who went for Darshan on 21st February 1928. I should have brought it to show it to you.

I was to go for Darshan with my brother. We took flowers — we could offer flowers. From outside the Hall, from the staircase steps we could see what the previous person was doing but we would enter the Hall only individually. Each one was allowed some time to make his offering and do Pranam to both Mother and Sri Aurobindo. Generally the Darshan would start at about 6 or 6.30 in the morning. It did not last very long as there were not many people, but still it lasted two or three hours as people were allowed some time. Since we used to see Sri Aurobindo only thrice a year, we were not hurried on.

On the day of my first Darshan there were about 65 people — Sadhaks plus visitors. In the afternoon Mother would distribute among the Sadhaks the garlands received at Darshan time. She gave each one of us a garland. And then at night we used to get soup from her, as on all other days. But on Darshan days we used to decorate with flowers a canopy over her seat.

That very year or the next the Darshan room was changed. The Darshan was held in the small room at the further end of the upstairs Meditation Hall. There is still the sofa there with Mother's and Sri Aurobindo's Darshan photo on it. You must have seen it.

These Darshans thrice a year went on till November 1938, when Sri Aurobindo had an accident. We did not have Sri Aurobindo's Darshan on the 24th November that year. Until Sri Aurobindo recovered we had only Mother's Darshan.

After he had recovered, the Darshan was no more as before. We did not go near Sri Aurobindo as we had done formerly. The number of people also had increased and as Sri Aurobindo was unable to sit for a very long time the Darshan was made simpler; we had to pass before him and Mother in a line outside the small room, without going inside individually to them.

As we had Sri Aurobindo's Darshan only three times a year and since we had missed two Darshans (November 24, 1938 and February 21, 1939) on account of the accident, the need to see Sri Aurobindo was felt very acutely and, August being still far away, another date in the calendar had to be found before that month. Thus 24th April, the date of Mother's final arrival here (1920), was decided upon.

After that, there wasn't much change, except that, much later, in April 1949 and 1950, after the groups got their coloured uniforms, in addition to the regular Darshan all the groups had the privilege of marching past Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

Is there anything more I can tell you? Many of you may not have ever seen Sri Aurobindo. In those days generally we used to see Mother once in the morning — this was 'Pranam' time; then, in the evening when she went out for a drive, we stood on the road and saw her go; and then again at night when she gave us soup. These three times all those who wanted to see her could do so.

Sometimes Mother called people for a meditation or for an interview with her individually in the morning. Some she called once a month, some twice a month, some once a week, and some even more often.

In the evening before going for her drive she would sometimes go to some Sadhaks' rooms on a visit. These were her activities mostly.

There was another thing (which of course I have not seen myself though I was here). In 1928 the Dining Room was where we have now Prithvisingh's room and Ravindra's cold-storage. The Dining Room was for men only. Lunch would be served and the plates kept ready; Mother herself would take each plate and give it to each sadhak. One plate was served for Mother also, from which she would taste a little and give the whole plate to a sadhak as prasad by turns. The women were few at that time but, as Mother did not like men and women sitting together for food, the food was sent to their rooms. Later on she arranged for a dining room for women in the Ashram compound — the room which is the cartonnerie at present.

Q: When did the Balcony Darshan begin?

It seems it started sometime in 1938 after Sri Aurobindo had the accident and we could not see Mother for Pranam in the morning. She was busy then. I don't remember details because I never noted down these things. Also, perhaps the Sadhaks wanted to see her before starting their daily work. And so she started the Balcony Darshan.

Q: Did she give flowers every time?

At Darshan time she did not give them. When she called us for an interview or meditation or on a birthday she used to give flowers. And also at Pranam time.

Q: Say something about the Terrace Darshan.

Mother's new room upstairs was not there then. The second floor was a flat terrace. She used to go to that terrace, specially after a hair-wash to dry her hair in the sun. She used to go with a parasol — I remember I had embroidered parasols for Mother. To match her sari I had embroidered one with suns on white satin. What is usually known as Terrace Darshan used to be on the top of Dyuman's room. She used to walk there accompanied by Chinmayi. There was a time somewhere in 1944-5 when Mother used to come and stand on the terrace in the evening and give a short meditation. Down below, in the courtyard, the sadhaks would occupy each a square of the concrete floor and sit and meditate.

Mahendra: Tell us the story of the "supramental fish".

Oh! Supramental fish? (laughing) You all know that I used to do embroidery for Mother. I embroidered many sarees for her. The design on one of the sarees I had done was fishes in the sea. The fishes were in gold and silver. After I had finished the saree, some thread was left, so I thought, 'Why not make a fish for Sri Aurobindo? He must have eaten fish long ago. Now he doesn't eat it any more. So I can make one in gold, fill it up with chocolates and give it to him to eat.' So I embroidered the two sides of a fish, stitched it up and made it into a fish-shape bag with the mouth open, through which I filled the body with gold-coin chocolates which we used to get in those days. I gave the fish to Mother, saying that it was for Sri Aurobindo. She took it to him. The next day I received a letter from Sri Aurobindo:

Vasudha,
It is a supramental fish surely.
Every detail so perfectly filled in.
Sri Aurobindo

I was naturally thrilled. I had not expected such a response from him.

But after that, one day I found those two sides of the fish on a 'crown' of the Mother! The bag had been taken from Sri Aurobindo, the two pieces opened up and stitched on a band which she wore round the forehead to keep the saree in place there. My first feeling on seeing it was not too happy, though it was on her crown! I thought I had made it for Sri Aurobindo; then why did she take it away? (laughter)

Q: Please recount some reminiscences of your long association with Mother.

There are so many incidents. If you remind me of any like the one recounted just now, I can relate it to you. Otherwise I shall have to prepare beforehand. On the spot it is not possible to say much, and everything cannot be told.

Q: How did she teach you not to waste things?

Yes, we were taught economy by Mother — not to waste things at all. You must have seen small notes written by Sri Aurobindo, on bits of paper, or in the margin or on any ordinary paper which we would have simply thrown away. You may have seen the envelopes they give at Prosperity — often they are used ones turned inside out, to be used again. Even old clothes, Mother said, should not be thrown away, but must be used as dusters, etc. If the clothes are a little torn, they should be mended. Mother's clothes were always mended before washing; that was one of our daily works. Before washing her clothes we had to go through each one to see if it needed any mending.

You know we used to get tins which were covered entirely with paper labels. There were some people who went too far in their economy and they would remove those labels very carefully in order to write on the other side which was blank. I do not know if it was really economical, for it helped the tins rust faster.

Q: Will you tell us how you came here?

I have already spoken of that at 'Knowledge' in February. It will be a repetition.

Q: It was not told to the same children.

Yes, but for me it will be a repetition. I could very well make you hear the tape-recording. Besides, the talk will be published in Mother India soon — you can read it or I can read it out to you one day. To say it all over again is not interesting. I must get into that spirit — without the spirit it will sound very flat.

Urmila: Will you tell us about your 'Bourse'?

Bourse? (laughing) Caught me! O.K. So I shall tell you the story. We had no school then. My brother used to teach me mathematics. He was an engineer. He taught me mathematics in French. You know that in the French books, under some of the problems, 'Bourse' is written, which means scholarship. So these were the problems given to students in France for scholarship exams. There were many such problems at the end of the book. Out of them my brother gave me about seven or eight to do and told me that if I did them all correctly he would give me a 'Bourse.' I was a hard-working student, and I did them all correctly. Now he was in a fix — what to give me as a 'Bourse'? He had no money, and the little he had — a few annas — was the money left over after paying the workers; he could not use it as he liked. So he went and put his problem before Mother. Mother was pleased. He asked her if he could give to me as 'Bourse' the few pice that remained after paying the workers. Mother granted his request and she gave him a small purse to put the coins in. He put a few small coins in it and gave it to me as 'Bourse.'

Then I thought this was my first earning, so I must offer it to Mother. The bag had been given by the Mother. I did not want to return it to her. I was quite young and had my childish ideas. So I took a piece of cardboard, cut it in the shape of a hexagon or octagon (I don't remember) and set the coins in the centre and fixed them with a few stitches. And I wrote around them that they were my first earning and that I was offering it to her.

This was long long ago, in 1939. I had even forgotten about it. Years after Sri Aurobindo had left his body, one day Mother brought out this cardboard piece with the money stitched on it from her safe where she kept some of her jewels, money and other valuables. She showed it to me and said, 'Do you see? I keep it in my safe, it is never empty, I am never in want of money. It serves me as a talisman.' A talisman, you know, is something that has been charged with a Mantra by someone who has the power and it carries in it a power and protection.

Many years after that, in April 1962, she shifted to the second floor and did not come down any more. There too she had a little safe in the wall, and one day again she brought out the 'talisman' and said, 'See, it is still here with me.'

This is the story of my 'Bourse'.

Sumedha: Now, the story of the roses.

Roses? My dream?

It was a very short dream. I was then very small. I had just had my first Darshan of Sri Aurobindo. A few days later, I had a dream:

I was standing in the Guest House in the upstairs verandah, leaning against a window. I was standing there with four country roses (meaning 'surrender') on a single stalk in my hand. The door of the room in front of me opened and I saw Sri Aurobindo standing in the doorway. He called me just by a gesture, without any word. I thought within me that he wanted to smell the roses, and that after smelling them he would give them back to me. So I went near him and stretched out my hand. He just took the whole bunch from my hand and disappeared inside the room! (laughter) The dream ended there.

But when I woke up I felt so delightfully happy, I felt I had really seen Sri Aurobindo! The feeling was even more intense and real than the one I had had on first seeing him physically on the Darshan day. My feeling after the dream was quite different. Constantly I kept feeling 'I have seen Sri Aurobindo, I have seen Sri Aurobindo ….' This went on within me like a Mantra. It lasted for full three days. The dream was a very short one, but its effects have been felt throughout my life. Would you like to hear more about it? All right — I'll continue.

I had forgotten this dream completely, when suddenly after twenty-five years or so, one day I saw with Mother a similar bunch of roses. I was strangely reminded of my dream and I told Mother about the old dream. After hearing of it she said, 'Oh, so Sri Aurobindo took all of them away? Now I will give you one out of them', and saying this she plucked one out of the bunch and gave it to me. I could not refuse, so I took it in my hand, yet I told her, 'No, no, it was not for giving back that he took them from me!' That very afternoon when I was waiting for Mother at the tennis court and was pondering over it, the meaning of the dream became clear to me. I saw and felt that everything I did or everything that I could do in the sadhana was actually done by my Master, Sri Aurobindo. The four roses which mean the surrender of the whole being (mental, vital, physical and psychic) is not so easy to make by one's own effort. By my own effort I could never do it. So Sri Aurobindo himself, in his deep compassion, asked them of me, and took them. I have been really fortunate and am so grateful to him that he did it for me! It shows how much he loves us and does for each one of us everything if we are sincere and willing to do the sadhana. In everything that happens in my life — in all that has happened so far — I see nothing but his grace, his great compassion.