Poems of Narad

The Self I Was Before

I sometimes see the self I was before
And what through years of toil I have become.
One was with me who channelled all my dreams
And made my days a symphony of song.
Now she is gone and silent and alone
I walk the garden lanes to still the soul.
Yet I seem to pass through a revolving door
Only to enter and go round again,
So little appears the progress I have made.
If one cannot control emotion's thrusts
Or summon help when adverse beings come,
To look with an uncompromising eye,
On habits and the long established ways,
Then in truth a Sisyphus-like task,
A moving forward only to fall back
Seems my destiny preordained.
I cannot say that nought has been achieved,
A peace unknown in turbid years of youth,
A presence that one feels as intimate,
A calm companion on the upward way
And someone who responds in times of prayer
Are signs and symbols not to be ignored.
Outward anger much subsided now
Is turned to things I cannot overcome.
Perhaps a darkness in my spirit hides
Emerging when the mind is sorely stressed.
Or the restless vital clamours to be fed.
Only by exposure to the Light
Can the cross of ignorance and pain
Be lifted and desire rooted out.
That faith and consecration are my path
And love the rose that blossoms in my soul
I have no doubt, but the way is long and hard
And the distractions of the world are there
To turn the being from its intended course.
Resolve and an uncompromising view
Of what one is and what one must become,
Stripping away the costumes we have worn
From birth to birth hiding the diamond's glow
We must or miss the purpose of our lives.
Surrender and sincerity are key
To That which still lies silent as the soul.
The man of truth whose standard beauty is
Must now emerge from the heart-space where he sits
To lead us swiftly to the predestined goal.